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I actually do have a girlfriend, and I am not writing this as some cranky, forever-alone hater who is just mad that he can’t find anyone. I have declared myself the expert on this topic and I hope you understand that as a man in a serious relationship, my opinion is automatically more valid than that of some miserable single hipster that probably lives in Seattle.
I had to go find someone in my office from another department and ask them to make some changes in their procedures. After about 15 minutes of looking (I’ve been here a year and still get lost), I finally located the person and knocked on her door. As soon as I said, “good morning,” she rolled her eyes and slammed her left hand down on her desk, making sure I could see her ring.
Really?
Let’s break this down, lady. First, I said “good morning” because I have to. Second, I’m not here to be friendly and definitely not to flirt. I’m here to let you know that my group is sick and tired of you screwing up the same thing every single month. Third, please stop flattering yourself. Fourth, piss off. Fifth, like I already said, you really suck at the extremely simple task you’re asked to do once a month. Sixth, that’s the ring? I could’ve bought a better ring in high school. Seventh, again, you really suck at your job.
We get it, you’re in a relationship. You know what you don’t get? We don’t care. We don’t care at all. We don’t care how he proposed because you’ve already told us 47 times. We don’t care about that special thing your girlfriend does because you tell us every Monday and we are pretty sure all of our girlfriends would make us lunch too if we asked. It’s not that special that you live with your girlfriend and her three psycho roommates every night of the week. Why are you paying four-figures worth of rent if you’re just going to live out of a duffel bag and stay with your girlfriend every night? Not like you’re getting any anyway.
Don’t even get me started on the couple that wants everyone to know they are engaged. I saw a girl on Facebook the other day that completely outdid it for me. Beyond the cheesy Facebook paragraph (book) that couples write to announce their engagement, beyond the 80+ ridiculous engagement photos, beyond the save-the-dates and all the other jazz, this girl was promoting her wedding website on Facebook. I don’t mean that she was just posting the link. This girl had actually paid Facebook top dollar to promote the website she had created specifically for her wedding at the top of my news feed. That’s next level.
I’m not just talking about social media, though. Sometimes I tweet about all the cute/funny shit my girlfriend says and I mention her from time to time in my columns. I’m talking about the people that are just miserable humans to be around when they are in a relationship. I’m talking about the guy that name drops his girlfriend into every conversation. I’m talking about the girl who says “my fiancé” every other word. I’m talking about the couple that never leaves the house unless they are together. I’m talking about the guy that talks about his girlfriend’s bowel movements (yes, this really happened) when he’s at the bar watching the game with his friends. I’m talking about the girl who puts every wedding detail online as she plans. I’m talking about the guy who only writes about his girlfriend having a crush on other guys that aren’t him.
So next time you want to shove your relationship down someone’s throat, just remember — we really don’t care. .
Image via Shutterstock
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@delph_13
@gdelph13
gdelph
SHOTS FIRED! I’ll get the popcorn…
Yeah okay
“Sometimes I tweet about all the cute/funny shit my girlfriend says”
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Historians will look back at this day as the first of a series of events that led to the bloody internal conflict that, like the Roman Empire before them, ultimately resulted in the downfall of the once mighty grandex empire.
My favorite is when she calls her boyfriend her “best friend” on Facebook. Then I see they broke up lol!
Or “partner in crime”. Fucking kill yourself, just bicycle off a bridge with your significant other.
Unless you’re actually a modern day Bonnie and Clyde
In which case, maybe posting it on Facebook wasn’t your brightest idea.
Unless you’re Steven Tyler singing the lyrics to 90s hit “Cryin.” Not be confused with “Crazy”….or “Amazing”
^ What? Dude just write another piece, you’ve kept us in the dark long enough….or is it that -you’ve- been kept in the dark… (shout out to shibbs)
A.Men.
Did you know that now in addition to engagement photos and wedding photos… People are now taking PROFESSIONAL HONEYMOON PHOTOS. I shit you not.
Wait a minute. They are leaving the bedroom and putting on clothes? Or have I misunderstood honeymoons?
Sup?
I’ve not seen full-on professional honeymoon pics but I’ve seen people do morning-after-wedding-night. Like, shots of feet at the end of the bed, drinking coffee together on the balcony with “I’ve-just-had-sex” smiles. It made me spit my coffee. I want to punch them. Hard. Where it hurts. Maybe then I won’t be subject to their equally-nauseating naked baby bump pics.
All I ask from these fucking people is to have some consistency. All the professional photos of the engagement, wedding, honeymoon, a typical night out on the town and all we get to see is the “good times”. These people should be required to show the other side. The gritty/real side where they have professional photos taken during the break up/divorce fight, the fights over shortages of money, the fights about a simple Facebook like from another member of the opposite sex that makes the entire house of cards crumble. They can at least tag their significant other in the photos of them cheating on their spouse on a business trip, or while they sit down together and get fat in front of the TV because they don’t know what else to do with their lives since they’re trapped by a system that is rigged against them.
By the way, I am available by appointment only for life consults.
Jesus, man. I both love the stuff you put on here, and regret my existence about 60% of the time.
Haha thanks man, I’m forced to create these comments since they never publish my columns I submit. Probably because of this very reason.
Just quietly smile at the fact all their posts / comments / pictures are rooted in insecurity and the fear of being forever alone.
That’s actually factually correct (well as factually correct as studies that rely on self-reporting and facebook information can be). The more people post on social media about their relationship, the more likely they are to be insecure in their relationship and be looking for outside validation. They’re also more likely to break up within the next two months.
She did NOT promote her wedding website. Can I sign up for updates? There is truly no race to the bottom of barrel with relationship self-importance.
passive agressive with a shade of humble brag. Love it
What’s really the worst is when the couple literally hangs out with no one else but each other. There’s a difference between caring about each other and not having lives separate from each other and living in your own world.
Tagging your partner in every Facebook post.
Fuck these people.
People with join facebook accounts. HimandHer Soandso. Shoot me now