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Some of us like to abuse substances around these parts. If that sentence rubs you the wrong way, and you’re about to pipe up and say, “but Icehouse, I only have 2-4 alcoholic drinks a week” I’m going to say thanks for writing in, but you suck at parties and your parents never loved each other. While I admit that last part wasn’t wholly necessary (it still partly was), I’m going to leave it because you’re not welcome here.
Everyone here likes to drink. A few of us like to do drugs also. The reason we do these things is because they make us feel good and convince us that we are perfect human beings.* Unfortunately, the folks over at Vice had to kill our collective buzzes by publishing an article about how not altering our realities will improve our mental health in the long run.
Which – no shit. You’re telling me that driving fast leads to running out of gas earlier? Well bless my bloomers. Of course drinking and doing drugs in excess is bad for your mental health. The whole reason to do them is to escape the lousy mess of a reality we currently live in. Remember in Platoon when Sgt. Barnes goes into the underground and starts talking shit to all the stoners? He says, “Why do you smoke this shit? So as to escape from reality? Me, I don’t need this shit. I am reality.” Uh, yeah. And he was really unhappy. Everyone else had a fine old time getting fucked up and cradling statue butts when he wasn’t around.
The article goes on to say:
“Alcohol, for example, is a depressant, and it actually messes with the neurotransmitters in your brain, including the one needed to help you keep anxiety at bay.”
So there you go, Will and #SundayScaries army. Your problem is that your brain doesn’t like how much you’re drinking because you’re weak. Let that be a lesson to you.
The article dwindles on the facts fast, and spouts a few things about how dudes are more likely to hurt themselves while under the influence (duh), before going into the author’s personal experiences. One story is a guy named Bob who kept a weekly schedule that I think everyone here can relate to. He got fed up with the lifestyle and decided he needed a change so he RESULTS NOT TYPICAL PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT went to a heavy metal festival with a whole shitload of drugs with the intent to create a hangover so bad he never wanted to do them again. He succeeded, and Bob is now happy, healthy and sober, in addition to a hero.
So if for some reason you made it to postgrad life in 2016 without being told that drinking and doing drugs is bad for you, Vice is here to tell you that drinking and doing drugs is bad for you. Take that information for what you will. .
*We are not perfect human beings. Almost all of us are ok with that, but there are a couple of us who can’t help but dwell on every single imperfection about themselves, to the point that their entire worldview only consists of ways they are shitty. These people are depressed and it totally sucks. If you or a friend or even an acquaintance might be one of these people, have a sober conversation with them to explain that there are beautiful things to love about this world – like Shakira music videos and themselves – and offer support.