My apartment is not described as “luxury,” but it does have some redeeming qualities.
– A squirrel that lives on the roof who you can hear running around at 7am.
– A REALLY old elevator. I’m waiting for the cord to snap on my ascent to the fifth floor.
– Parking lot who’s lines were painted by Hellen Keller
– A nice Directv satellite dish hanging off of my balcony
– A pool that you pray is clean.
– Neighbors below you that complain about sex. IT HAPPENS ONCE IN A BLUE MOON, GUYS. CHILL OUT.
P.S. Hauling groceries to the fifth floor really fucking sucks.
When I was 16 or 17, I was regularly hooking up with this girl from class after school. One day, her dad decides to come home early from work while we were hooking up in the shower. (Her dad HATED me from a unrelated story. He owned guns, so I was scared) We turn off the water and she walks out of the bathroom while I get dressed. I couldn’t lock the door because it would be obvious that some one was there, so I hid in the shower. 30 seconds later her dad comes in to poop. He finished his business 5 minutes later and left.
Advertise
The only guarantee Durex can give you is the guarantee of the condom breaking.
If you don’t enter it into the fitness pal, those calories don’t count.
It’s hard to lose you wallet THEN buy an iPhone.
Nothing is worse than a mouth full of spit and the boss stops by wanting to talk.
“If you come out of this childbirth single, you’re both still in your attractive prime.”
That left me a long, long time ago.
Just realized McGannon didn’t write this, only tweeted about it. Damnit.
Bolen makes a 9/11 joke and he’s burned at the stake. McGannon drops a Katrina reference and nobody bats an eye.
My company only allowing mustaches. PGP.
I can’t search for music I enjoy because Garth Brooks is a goddamn communist.
You spoke to somebody you could understand?
Count your blessings, Matt.
This is a subtle way of saying GTFOH
My apartment is not described as “luxury,” but it does have some redeeming qualities.
– A squirrel that lives on the roof who you can hear running around at 7am.
– A REALLY old elevator. I’m waiting for the cord to snap on my ascent to the fifth floor.
– Parking lot who’s lines were painted by Hellen Keller
– A nice Directv satellite dish hanging off of my balcony
– A pool that you pray is clean.
– Neighbors below you that complain about sex. IT HAPPENS ONCE IN A BLUE MOON, GUYS. CHILL OUT.
P.S. Hauling groceries to the fifth floor really fucking sucks.
When I was 16 or 17, I was regularly hooking up with this girl from class after school. One day, her dad decides to come home early from work while we were hooking up in the shower. (Her dad HATED me from a unrelated story. He owned guns, so I was scared) We turn off the water and she walks out of the bathroom while I get dressed. I couldn’t lock the door because it would be obvious that some one was there, so I hid in the shower. 30 seconds later her dad comes in to poop. He finished his business 5 minutes later and left.
Shower sex is forever ruined for me.
Cincinnati.
One snowflake and the entire city becomes one big fucking pile up.
The red Mercedes was awesome. The turning radius was similar to an aircraft carrier though.
Exactly.
If you believe your bank account is safe with Snapchat, I have oceanfront property in Montana I would like to sell you.
With Hidden Valley, anything is possible.
#6. Buying better gifts than what I buy my girlfriend of 2 years. You’re putting too much stress on me and my wallet.
A snap of an empty room captioned “Hanging out with all my friends” makes me want to set my phone on fire.
Real hard-hitting analysis, here.