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Hey there, kid. How was class today? Hope your weekend ended better than it started. I really do mean that, by the way, and I hope that this sincere explanation provides you with the closure you’ve likely been searching for over the last few days. You see, even though you reminded me a lot of myself when I was your age, I had no choice but to deny you.
I’ll begin by complimenting you on your overall strategy. Bravo. While I obviously wasn’t privy to the preliminary conversations that likely occurred in your murdered out Tahoe, I have to assume that you executed accordingly in all phases of the game. From identifying a somewhat chill looking dude that was clearly above the legal drinking age (me), to stalking said dude throughout the supermarket until he was isolated and vulnerable (buying whole wheat angel hair pasta), you never took your eyes off of the prize (a case of Bud Light).
Most importantly, though, you deserve to be commended for your forthright approach to Hey Mistering. The fact that you didn’t even try to spit some bullshit story about losing your ID or something is very commendable. You are a true straight shooter, and for that, I tip my cap to you.
Remember, just because you didn’t take home the W doesn’t mean you should hang your head.
With that being said, I’ve identified a few areas that I believe have room for improvement. First, you probably shouldn’t initiate a conversation with a stranger who you’re about to ask to commit a crime by saying, “Hey, chief.” Just a bad start there. Now, it wouldn’t have made a difference because in Texas, “Sale to a minor is a class A misdemeanor, punishable by a fine up to $4,000, confinement up to a year in jail, or both.” I’m not trying to catch a case for anyone, but I’m really not going to put myself out there for someone that big times me by calling me “chief.”
Second, I would advise against inviting the guy you just “Hey Mistered” to drop by the party for a myriad of reasons. While I understand you were being nice, I really began questioning myself after this all went down. I’m fairly certain I don’t look like the kind of guy that would hit up a high school party, but I have to admit that your invitation made me question everything about myself. Was I giving off the burnout vibe? Maybe my casual Friday attire was a little too casual. Thanks for the existential crisis, chief.
Third, you were dressed like you just left a Lumineers video. I know it’s been warm here lately, but tap the brakes on the designer tank top, bud.
Listen, don’t you go hanging your head, kid. We’ve all been there before — 16, no fake ID, and big Friday night plans to get as drunk as humanly possible and hang out in a parking lot somewhere. Or maybe your boy Tanner’s parents were gone and you guys were going to have a small get-together that would inevitably spiral out of control after Hunter, Brad, and a whole crew of seniors show up and take your girls. The point is, you can come back from this.
At the end of the day, at least you were the one with the balls to approach me. That says something. And after I let you know that there wasn’t a chance in Hell, you didn’t beg me like some desperate little prick. You just said, “Whatever,” casually walked back to your Tahoe, and tore ass out of the parking lot blaring that Chainsmokers’ song (I don’t know that for sure, but I figure that’s how it went down).
You’ve got heart, kid. You may dress like a douche and have an entitled demeanor about you, but you definitely have heart. Keep fighting. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
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This was great. We always employed the strategy of asking the most homeless looking guy we saw, and it usually worked. Except for the one time a middle aged man riding a Dyno VFR denied us because he didn’t want to get in trouble.
Always try and score booze at the most excessively pretentious grocery store possible. That’s where the “cool parents” shop.
Sketchy looking kid pretty much ambushed me in a parking lot a few weeks ago needing some beer. Saw a tinted-out unmarked car in the back of the parking lot. Wouldn’t put it past northern Virginia to pull off a sting like that. Probably caught the kid smoking a joint and left him with an ultimatum.
My two buddies in college got 50 hours of community service for trying to get a cab driver to buy them booze freshmen. Gotta respect the hustle, although this kid sounds like a douche, Chief.
Freshmen year*
The same thing happened to me recently. I told the kid no because he has plenty of time in life to drown his problems and runaway from reality. I then walked into the liquor store, bought some Hendricks and then raised my brown paper bag to the kid and said good luck and don’t give up.
As someone who rode around in my buddy’s “murdered out Tahoe” in the early 2000’s, I lol’d at the reference. The tires, stereos, lights, etc that teenage kids get mommy and daddy to put on their Tahoes and Silverados seem so silly looking back.
Fuck this kid.
I would probably do this if they greased me with a ten, but then again you have infinitely more to lose than me.