As women, we question daily whether or not we should let freedom ring from the confines of our shirts. One too many buttons and we’re deemed as frigid bitches who constantly needs to use a broom to brush out the dust collecting on our vaginas; but unbutton too far and we might as well have moved to the seventeenth century and offered our heads up for one of the Salem Witch Trials for using our voodoo to wrongfully seduce the male species. There isn’t much of a fair play area, and because of that, we are ostracized whichever direction we choose to go. Below are few key scenarios where the question “to cleavage or not to cleavage” plays a vital role in the outcome of our lives. Follow these guidelines closely, ladies, because according to my research, one out of four times, too much attention on our tatas will cause major life destruction. I did not, however, add an outcome, because I have about as much boob as a 12-year-old boy with the metabolism of an Olympic long distance runner. That said, I am in no way a credible source whatsoever on how boobage can directly affect results of questionable situations–or any situation for that matter.
A surprise meeting with your boss in 20 minutes suddenly pops up on your calendar. Subject? “Work Completion Status Inquiry.” Well, shit. You haven’t even thought about those two totally bullshit writing projects you were supposed to have done by noon yesterday. You’re about two weeks behind in whatever data you were supposed to be filling in on some boring spreadsheet. Your browser history reeks of online shopping, entertaining columns about hating your boss as a recent college grad, and an abundance of Google searches relating to maximizing pee time without getting caught. You knew this meeting was coming. You knew you would eventually get fired.
Pro: Your boss is a total DILF.
Con: Your boss may or may not fire you for sexual harassment.
Ruling: Cleavage. You’ve got nothing really going for you anyway at this point, because you are actually known around the office as the slacker who gets a kick out of jamming the printer by confusing it as the shredder. Unbutton a button or three and let the ladies free. Pray he’ll be so distracted by the twins that his boner will quite literally sign the papers for your promotion to that desk closer to his.
Scenario: Family Mass
Your mother forces you to attend Easter mass because you are a Christian, dammit, and you must go twice every year. You already skipped Christmas morning due to
a hangover the stomach flu, so the only way you’re getting out of this one is if Jesus himself writes you a doctor’s note.
Pro: Your high school boyfriend will probably be there and you obviously need to remind him who “won.”
Con: God will look down from the Heavens and also down your blouse.
Ruling: Cleavage. Good thing the only clothes you brought home with you fall into the “I swear I’m still young!” category. It’s time to put together an outfit that screams, “I’m not exactly a whore who deserved to be stoned, but I’m not exactly ready to be ordained.” Be sure to remind God mid-prayer about all those times your ex cheated in Latin, just in case He’s feeling up to a little smiting.
Scenario: Night Out
You’re getting ready to barhop with your best girlfriends and are excited to finally have a good, old fashioned ladies night with no boys. After realizing you’re lying to yourself and can’t wait to have all the men beg you to even allow them to buy you a drink, you start to put a little more thought into your outfit–and how you can look hotter than your friends. You want to wear the new high waisted black shorts you just bought with your favorite black pumps, but what the hell do you wear on top?
Pro: Less clothing means you’ll sweat less. And So. Many. Drinks.
Con: Letting the whole world see both your booty and your boobies leaves nothing to the imagination. Also, it’s winter?
Ruling: No cleavage. If you’re showing off the glutes workout you’ve been shoving in everyone’s face for the past six weeks, go a little more conservative upstairs. Sure, you may get a few more drinks purchased in your name, but do you really want to attract the attention of the man who has a pencil ‘stache and no eyebrows? No, ma’am. A little mystery never hurt anyone.
Scenario: You’re Wearing A V-Neck
Pro: The only way to avoid it is by nixing your bra and that is just not happening.
Ruling: Cleavage. Always. Not necessarily to please the wandering eyes, but to take away from your bulging belly that practically hand-delivered baby announcements to every individual in the world of your unborn child–a Chipotle burrito.