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Guys, guys, guys. I’d like to think we’ve made some progress in this department, but we’ve still got quite a ways to go. So, we’re back. Not because I enjoy this, but because I feel it is my duty at this point. If I had a dollar for every time I rolled my eyes at a Bumble profile, I’d probably be able to get Starbucks every day or buy name-brand paper towels. There is a lot more bad than good, and while I recognize the brave few who are out here trying to change that, it would be a disservice not to tear the bad ones apart in the meantime. So, without further ado, I present this week’s worst.
Beach/sushi/dirtbikes/side boob/desert/skateboards/snowboarding/champagne Sunday/caffeine/being awesome/piss ur pantz/sarcasm/paying it forward/girls in baseball caps/inappropriate/bartender/girls yoga poses/instagram @_____
Really expecting a lot out of a girl for someone who doesn’t even visibly attempt to make his bio readable. I have to do yoga, wear baseball caps, AND flaunt the side boob? Is it not enough to wear a sundress and have a nice butt anymore? Either this guy abuses prescription drugs or he just listed a bunch of random bullshit to see who would read the whole thing. That’s a move I don’t entirely hate. Even then, “piss ur pantz?” Now I can’t shake the possibility that he’s a stroke victim or something. And now I feel like shit for making fun of him. Fuck.
Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor. Where will you end up? I know where I’m going. Join me.
You’re bananas if you think every girl hasn’t seen this quote on any #fitspo Instagram bio, but kudos to this guy for putting a new spin on it – reads a bit differently when you follow it up with things a serial killer would say. If you match with him – best case scenario – your first date will be going to a secluded park bench on a hill overlooking the city where you’ll just “talk about life.” Best case scenario.
Save the world. What will the planet be like for our children 100 years from now?
My children 100 years from now won’t give a fuck about the earth because they’ll probably be dead too. Do the math, my dude. It’s also generally accepted that we as a species need to do a little better to make sure we still have a home for the next few thousand years. If you’re on Bumble spewing popular opinions, you’re nothing to me. Give me controversy or get out.
I’m here to express my love to everyone! We must all understand the riches of life. Money is not that! I run a seaweed business. *a-ok emoji, plant emoji*
Being born and raised in Southern California (come at me, haters) has given me a strong stomach for hippie nonsense, but this is above even my threshold of tolerance. Just to make myself feel better I’ll assume he wrote this for all the barefoot honeys at Burning Man, found the one, fell in love, deleted the app but kept his account just in case, and his seaweed business is thriving. That actually doesn’t make me feel better at all.
I’m 6’3” since height seems to be a common requirement. Yoga mat entrepreneur, film enthusiast, and general layabout.
I’m not sure if I should admit I audibly squealed when I saw this. A seaweed merchant followed by a yoga mat entrepreneur? You have got to be kidding me. I also love seeing the “6’3 because so many of you were asking” revelation. Man, must have killed you to give up that information.
I work a lot and surf a lot. I eat really healthy and don’t really go to the bars. I never watch tv. I speak 4 languages and have my own business and ohh yeah I don’t like to talk about myself but you are welcome to ask anything. If you smoke cigarettes and eat junk food swipe left.
Good Lord. I have never encountered anyone more self-righteous in my life, and I grew up Catholic. If you even have friends, I guarantee they hate you. I would love to know more about your hemp bracelet business but it sounds like you really don’t like to talk about yourself. Also, I ate a donut today. Is this satire? I don’t think so, but I would love to be wrong.
Let’s dance to the music in our heads. Looking for an acro partner. Insta @______
At first, I thought “acro partner” was a sex thing, so I looked into it. Turns out it’s just a girl letting a guy hold her in the air with his feet all over her stomach. Most people do it at least partially clothed in public and all over Instagram, but that doesn’t mean I have to believe it’s not a sex thing. Especially if you incorporate dancing “to the music in our heads,” whatever the hell that means.
Fun facts: I read 50 books last year and speak Italian.
Since we’re doing fun facts, I’ll go next: Italian is the number one language for people who want to seem worldly but can’t be bothered to learn a language that will actually be helpful where they live. And sure, I read 50 menus last year but you don’t see me bragging about it.
Hola chica guapas! I’m 6’3, 210 with brown hair and hazel eyes. Half Portuguese, quarter Irish, and quarter Czech. I love adventures, playing every sport, being outdoors, reading, & cooking. Looking for someone to share these activities with and create new memories @______
There is way more genetic information offered here than most comfort levels allow. Are you applying to be a sperm donor? The disclosure of your complete heritage does not excuse you from the most basic grammatical error known to anyone who has taken more than one day of high school Spanish. Portugal is close enough to Spain that you should know better. The fact that “I love adventures” isn’t the worst part of your bio… Tighten up.
Livin’ life to the fullest. I’m just looking for fun – you know what I mean *a-ok emoji* casual sex
You’re the realest one out here. You just shoot your shot and let me know how it goes. Figuratively, of course, because there is no way I’d be caught dead swiping right on that. .
Image via Unsplash