This Is Why I’m Broke: Postgrad Edition

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While sitting amongst a group of fellow degenerate ex-classmates turned 8-to-5 slaves, the topic of discussion was how to pass time at work, safely of course. One guy said, “I usually frequent sites like ThisIsWhyImBroke.com.” This sparked my curiosity. Did this website sell $13 dirty martinis? Because I know that’s why I’m broke. I inquired further. He said, “Trust me, don’t go to it…it will ruin your everything.” So of course I went to it. Let’s just say, I WANT EVERYTHING!!! I mean, I know I can’t realistically afford the water jet pack as featured on East Bound & Down due to it’s $68,500 price tag, but some stuff is actually relatively affordable and super useful as a young professional. Not to mention, when the dreaded question of what you want for your birthday/Christmas/any other day that warrants you receiving an undeserved gift comes along, you’ll know just where to send them. The following are my recommendations derived from my many hours spent trolling this gallery of temptation:

For Your Workdays

Finally, an alarm clock that might actually make your lazy ass get out of bed. If you hit snooze too many times, your bacon will either burn or get cold, depending on how this brilliant machine works. Either way, both are bad. Get up and eat freshly cooked bacon, now.

Because no one can perform their best on stale, settled office coffee:

Water rings on your desk inevitably will put water rings on important papers, or you will suffer a spill, and just, ugh, use this instead:

Multi-tasking is key. When you can’t be on the course because you’re at work, but haven’t worked your way up to the putting cup in your office that says you’ve made it, use this in the meantime. Four birds (at work, bathroom break, golf game training, entertainment), one stone.

Girls are careful and use Tide sticks in the case of an accident. Guys need to use these, because prevention is key, and what better way to look important doing it:

This might just get your lunch thrown away, but it could be worth a shot:

Ok, maybe not for work, but it’s fun to think about if you could:

For Your Home

Because nothing says, “I’m a classy, mature college grad, but my inner party animal is still a freshman” like this:

Sneak around those fire marshal ordinances. Plus, let’s face it; this is the only way some guys know how to cook:

I really think this may be my most needed item on this site for one reason: hangovers. I spend a majority of Saturday and Sunday mornings laying there in bed, all dry-mouthed and dehydrated, yearning for a bottle of cold water, but it’s so hard to bring myself to retrieve this due to the fact that I’m dying a slow death. Just think, one roll over, and bam, fresh healing water is all yours:

For the cost of this, you could probably just buy a bigger place, but who really wants to clean all that? Plus, if I’m drunk, passing out at your place since I can’t drive, and you have a couch that turns into a bunk-bed, omg, you’re my new best friend:

This really isn’t affordable, but think how cool you’d be. Just like a mullet, business in the front, party in the, you know the rest:

Hi, my name is Mr. Leon Phelps, the ladies’ man. Enough said:

For The Singles

Carrie Bradshaw from “Sex and the City” loved being back in Aiden’s “nook.” Girls in general love “the nook.” Now, here is your very own “nook,” and you don’t even have to worry about his arm falling asleep.

Don’t worry, dudes. Amazon has you covered, or you can just go purchase a blow-up doll if you have no shame.

For The Relationshippers

To prevent one the main sources of petty fights during that first year of shacking up:

Can’t get your bf to stop playing pointless video games? Give him this two-person game so you can join in too.

For Your Badass Parties

I don’t even want to think about if we would have had this thing in high school. Pretty sure my town already held the national record for highest teen pregnancy rate. However, I do think this is a brilliant way to save money. Instead of blowing ones at the strip club, just pull this baby up in your back yard and let the booze run its course. Someone’s getting up there and possibly naked, trust me.

Be the star of your apartment complex summer weekend pool ragers:

One can dream, right?

Baby Shower Gifts

If you are friends with me and plan on conceiving, I have now ruined the surprise of your gift, because this is it, for all of you:

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McMagistrate

After stretching college out for 9 years, McMagistrate is now an attorney in her late-ish 20's who earned her title by embracing the stigma that accompanies a healthy partying habit. She enjoys showing off her sub-par golf game and pretending her impressive law school loan doesn't exist. You can likely find her on her patio, live-tweeting her wine binges, and concerning her neighbors.

• @mcmagistrate