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I’ll let you guys in on a secret — I don’t like getting up at 6 a.m. and going to work. I don’t like wearing stifling business casual, I don’t like granola bars for breakfast, and I don’t like the fact that I’m not in bed watching Saturday morning cartoons as if I were still eight years old. Even if you like your job, every morning when that alarm clock goes off, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t think about calling in and telling your boss you’re not going to make it.
However, since I’m not a total piece-of-shit coworker (and Sallie Mae owns my life), I overcome the desire to stay in bed and get my ass to work. I can’t say the same for this guy’s coworker. According to Reddit, this hero “maintained a spreadsheet for a year of a coworkers call outs and the excuses.”
I would also like to point out that he successfully (until the end) missed 51 days of work over a year of work. That averages out to one day off per week, or in more impressive terms, a three-day weekend every weekend.
Below are my favorites, with the excuses in italics.
Still have a headache and am super nauseous this morning. If this headache doesn’t break in 30 minutes I’m going to the ER.
A fucking headache? Let the ER doctors help people that actually need medical care and go take some Excedrin, ya big baby.
Power went out, resetting my alarm.
It’s 2016, we know your “alarm” is just your iPhone playing that panic-inducing air raid tone.
“Running a bit late this morning” 1.5 hours later “Ok the car is just not starting. Like, at all. I’ve been towed to a shop, but I probably won’t be making it in today.”
This wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t use car issues as an excuse seven other times. It’s been a while since I’ve filled out a job app, but I’m pretty sure one of the main questions is, “Do you have a reliable mode of transportation to work?” Hell, with the money earned from not taking 51 extra days off, you could have probably afforded a working car.
Super sharp chest pains this morning.
Back decided to tap out this morning.
Large amounts of pain.
Not coming in, chugging Theraflu instead.
Not feeling well at all, been up all night holding my stomach.
Coughing up a storm all night and woke up with the cold sweats. Think it’s best that I stay here.
And countless other illness based excuses
Honestly as his boss/coworker/fellow human at this point you just hope he’s faking because if not I give this guy three more weeks to live.
Claimed to not know he had work despite us telling him several times.
Gotta love the balls on this guy. “Yeah I know the schedule is posted in multiple locations and emailed to me and you guys specifically told me I had to work, but I just didn’t think I had to.” Elephantitis of the testicles is probably one of this guys many illnesses.
No call, no show.
What job is this where you can just give yourself a little vacay without letting anyone know? Are they hiring?
Fired.
All good things must come to an end. The real winner of this story is whoever was hired to replace this guy. Dude could just be half-assing it all day, as long as he physically showed up at work he’d be loved by the company. .
[via Reddit]
Image via Shutterstock
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
“Sorry boss, I have rectal glaucoma. I just can’t see my ass coming into work today.”
“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. The oligarchs have taken over everything and have killed all that is good. The walls are closing in. Must ration food and hide underground from the impending war with the aliens who created this societal zoo planet.”
Being the boss’s nephew will only last you so long.
There’s someone at our company who works remotely and does this regularly. “Oh man guys, I might be out the rest of the day, just a terrible migraine not sure when I’ll be back online.” Protip: If you’re going to send out these emails to your team on a weekly basis, don’t go posting pics to social media of your bar hopping adventurers that day.
The guy who chronicled all of this probably went out for celebratory shots the night this kid was fired. I know I probably would.
I’m an American. I do not need an immigration lawyer thank you though PGP.
what?
He picked Ricky Fowler to win.