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23 year old John: No reservations? Sure we’ll wait! Let’s stand around on the sidewalk for an hour.
28 year old JR: “I don’t care if they are finishing their dessert. This is garbage we have a reservation.”
John: I read on Twitter this is the hottest new restaurant in town!
JR: Restaurants with single nouns for names suck. Raven. Sailboat. I should tweet that.
John: So glad they could fit us in. This tiny table next to the bathroom is fine right?
JR: “Yeah no, we’re not sitting here. Something by the window please.”
John: I treat my server with the utmost respect because I remember what it was like working in the food industry.
JR: I treat them exactly as they should be treated. As lazy, insincere teenagers, who can’t handle simple things like multi tasking or following directions.
John: (to server) “Hi, what’s your name? Thank you for taking care of us!”
JR: (to server) “Hi, first off, can you just bring us a carafe of water? What drought?”
John: Let’s get a bottle of this wine. This one’s from Australia it sounds fancy.
JR: “She’ll have a Brut Rose and I’ll have a vodka soda.” We’re trying to do a no carbs thing.
John: Now let’s talk about some really important stuff I’ve been meaning to get off my chest before the apps get here.
JR: Let’s silently eavesdrop on the couple next to us and communicate to each other how awful they are through facial expressions.
John: “Order whatever you want babe, it’s my treat.”
JR: “It’s your turn to pay for dinner. I bought groceries this week remember?”
John: “You want to split an entrée?”
JR: “Can I substitute one of the side dishes for my bread? I don’t care about the upcharge.”
John: This entrée is pretty good, not exactly what I expected but I’m happy with it.
JR: Not only am I going to send back this pork loin, I’m going to Yelp the shit out of it too.
John: “Can I get a to-go box? Any way you can put the sides, salad and some extra bread in there too?”
JR: “Naw I’m good, take it away.”
John: We should come back here for your birthday!
JR: “Oh also, it’s both of our birthdays. Crazy right?”
John: Sure, we’ll take a look at the desert menu.
JR: I’m lactose intolerant, remember? Fine I’ll have a scoop but I’m camping out in the bathroom when we get home.
John: No matter what, everybody deserves a 20% tip.
JR: We lowered his tip a dollar for every minute he yammered on about his student loans.
John: Let’s sit here while we digest and engage in deep conversation until the restaurant closes.
JR: (finishes last bite) “Alright let’s get the fuck out of here.”.
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
You can be a restaurant snob all you want, but at least show some respect to the waiter.
Gotta respect the wait staff, no doubt. Do a good job, big tip. Do a shit job, tiny tip. Meritocracy, it’s not rocket science.
Amen. Don’t just shell out 20% if they don’t deserve it.
The corollary to that is, tip well, get even better service the next time. Tip like a tightass, expect to get slow service next time you return.
Bingo. Every server starts out with a 20% tip. Could rise. Could fall.
Better bring me some free dessert or toss your number on the bill if you want higher than 20%.
20 year old me: Let’s go out and grab some fajitas and margs!
27 year old me: Let’s go to Kroger. I can make unlimited fajitas and margs for $26.
And have leftover fajitas for a week if they’re made at home, and not to mention the ingredients for margs so you can have a couple (3+) poolside this weekend.
Yes that’s pretty much what unlimited means
Yea, but everything sounds cooler when #33 says it.
#TexasForever
It doesn’t sound like you’ve gotten bad at restaurants it sounds like you’re a inconsiderate fuck from the Northeast with zero manners
23 y/o me: Hell yeah, Chili’s* has $2 Margs tonight!
34y/o me: No fucking way I’m going to Chili’s, there’s a real Mexican place nearby which is cheaper and the food is way better.
*or Olive Garden, Red Lobster, any other chain place
Bold move hating on Chili’s before it’s even 9:00.
Chili’s fucking sucks. There, I said it.
You’re a piece of shit for saying that.
I’m a piece of shit, but saying that was pretty far down the list of reasons why.
All those restaurants are fine under certain circumstances. But hell yeah you go local if it’s an option.
The only good reason is if you’re in a hotel and on an expense report and the hotel is adjacent to one of those allowing you to go get blasted there on the company dime without driving.
“Ah yes, I will take the farm raised, antibiotic and heavy metals stuffed salmon with the 78% up charge due to the name. Could you also bring out some wood pulp parmesan cheese for my girlfriend’s pasta?”
Look at the total, move the decimal place left one digit, tip twice that amount. That is all it takes to be a decent human being. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to eat or drink out.
And then round to the nearest dollar or whatever makes sense. No need to make your bill $63.72 because of the tip, just pay $65 and give the waitress the balance.