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20-year-old John: Out of the dorms and finally on my own! I’m so pumped to move into my very first apartment. This is going to be SO sick.
28-year-old JR: My landlord is an asshat for kicking us out at the beginning of summer. This fucking blows.
John: This place is HUGE. So much room for activities! I can’t wait to turn the extra bedroom into a bar room. Plus it’s carpeted so my boys have a place to sleep over after parties!
JR: This apartment is disgusting.
John: Love this long hallway that runs the length of my place – it’s perfect for beer pong!
JR: Oh great, literally nothing fits down this hallway.
John: You guys gotta sit on this leather recliner couch. Yeah I got it off the street and we cracked it in half trying to maneuver it down the tiny hallway but it’s in perfectly good condition.
JR: Wait, a new couch from Pottery Barn costs HOW MUCH?!?
John: Everything is so white and clean – this place looks brand new!
JR: I just know the first thing she’s going to want to do is paint this shit.
John: This huge blank wall will be perfect for a projection screen! And I have these old DJ speakers we can hook up the N64 to for the complete surround sound experience.
JR: Can we please upgrade from a 40 inch to a 55 inch? What do you mean you’ll never watch it? You watch your Housewives crap all the time!
John: Eventually I should knock on my neighbor’s doors and intro myself! I’m planning on having some epic parties and need them on my side.
JR: I’ll probably only knock on a neighbors door if it smells like a dead body. Ehh, scratch that; probably only if I see blood.
John: Bros, thanks for helping me move! I’ll totally return the favor next weekend. We should work out a system so none of us have to hire movers this summer.
JR: *writes $980 check*
John: All I need now are some pots and pans. You guys want to roll with me to some garage sales I saw on our way over here?
JR: I don’t understand. How do we have 84 boxes of stuff for a one-bedroom apartment?
John: We definitely need to get a pet for this place. It will be like the apartment mascot!
JR: So glad this place has no backyard. No backyard=no dog and no dog= no kids. Yet.
John: Who’s got the new Weezy mixtape on their iPhone? Plug it into the aux and toss me a Bud Select. I saw the guys on Entourage drinking it and I’m easily susceptible to branding.
JR: Wait, where’s that loud music coming from?
John: I’d better run down to check on the U-Haul. It’s been double parked for 6 and a half hours.
JR: Sure, we can go to Bed Bath and Beyond for a third time. I’ll go grab the car.
John: Do you think if I smoke a joint in this U-Haul I’ll lose my deposit?
JR: The kid in that truck with the backwards Cubs hat looks like one of the assholes from work. .
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
I’ve been thinking about being homeless. No rent, no stuff, no bills, free food, free bridges to sleep under, no nagging women, just chill all day and drink and do drugs, get to know a ton of veterans and make badass friends.
I assumed this was already your reality
If you’re homeless, you can live next to a bar whenever you want. Babes and drinks alllll day.
All the responsibilities of 28-year-old John, all the desires of 20-year-old John. PGP…At least my projector screen looks sweet.
How much stuff do you have that you need to pay almost a grand for movers?
You’ve clearly never lived with a woman before.
Bingo
+1000x
If you own any amount of furniture you almost have to hire movers. It just isn’t realistic without them. I moved across state from a 3 bedroom house, cost 1,500.
Just spent the last two nights after work helping a friend move. Why do I not have friends who can afford to pay movers?
Moving is the worst. There was a point in my life where I was purposely owning less and less stuff just because I knew I’d have to move again. Went IKEA-crazy on the last move since I live alone now (judge away, bitches… that shit is cheap and I feel a sense of accomplishment having built it) so I will need a moving truck next time, and they will undoubtedly break 75% of my crappy furniture.
IKEA is single-use furniture, it’s not meant to make it through a move
My dad just helped me move and has already stated he is willing to buy me a new bed because of how big of a pain in the ass IKEA is to move.
Yeah, I work for a moving company and you have to sign a waiver that we’re not responsible if your Ikea-type furniture doesn’t make it, or we won’t move it. The stuff is basically a bunch of wood shavings pressed together and does not withstand moving well at all.
Moving is on par with painting for things I would rather sleep with fire ants than do.
Moving out sucks, moving in is awesome
The moment you decide you’d rather pay movers than scrounge up your most likely hungover friends with offers of free beer/pizza. PGP.
Since you don’t live in Chicago anymore, what Bridgette’s number? Asking for a friend.►►►►✒✒✒✒✒✒ http://www.22moneybay.com
Okay the scammers are getting awful but seeing their bot re-purpose one of my favorite shit-head comments from a different article is pretty great