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The following is a list found by Todd on Saturday, January 2nd, 2016 after drunkenly waking up in her apartment after a boozy New Year’s Day turned into an even boozier New Year’s Night. Her desk calendar read “Brunchhhhhhh @ 10” with it now being 10:30 in the empty apartment, aside from Todd and Sperry.
New Year’s Resolutions
1. Get #FIT
Monday: Pure Barre
Tuesday: SoulCycle
Wednesday: City Surf
Thursday: Yoga
Friday: Run, Run, Run
Weekend: Rest
*Talk to Caroline about potential Yoga Retreats
ABV: Always Be Vegan
Find out what “Paleo” and “Whole 30” actually are
Coconut Water > Regular Water #hydrateordie
February Juice Cleanse???
All the flax seed, all the chia seed
If the juice ain’t pressed, mama ain’t drinkin’ it
Almond milkkkkkk
Red Wine + Vodka ONLY.
Buckwheat Pancake Sundays? Yes plz.
Kale Salad, Kale Chips, Kale Smoothie, Repeat.
2. Find YOU / Be The Best YOU
Start that journal up, girl.
Restart fashion / food / health blog?
Horoscooooopez
Meditation??? Hypnotism??? Thereapy??? IDK.
Cooking classes
Financial planner / budget / talk to dad.
3. FIX RELATIONSHIPS
Girls Nights x 100
Host all the dinner parties
Plan at least TWO girls trips
Coffee dates? duh.
Get the ring.
* * *
Abruptly, a door shuts and Todd backs away from the whitewashed vintage desk in her bedroom. Sperry barks, jumps out of bed, and slides around the corner en route to the door where she’s standing in lululemon leggings, a Patagonia Re-Tool Snap-T Pullover, and Hunter boots.
“Well look who decided to finally wake up,” she snarkily says while Todd shirtlessly pokes his head around the corner of the bedroom. Wide-eyed and ruffled, Todd smiles.
“Where’ve you been?” he responds hoping she doesn’t realize he’s just spent the last 40 minutes analyzing the list on her desk.
“Ugh, well, we had a brunch rezzie at Chopped for 10 o’clock,” she began, “But only, like, three of us actually showed up because everyone’s so hung from yesterday. We just scrapped it and got juices from Pressed instead.”
Todd began to button his shirt up while recounting the list that he’d just read. As she started her Nespresso machine in the kitchen, all he could hear was the her footsteps and Sperry clamoring around the kitchen waiting to be fed. He walked into the kitchen as she set a steaming cup down for him.
“Are we okay?” she asked as Todd rubbed his face with both hands.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?”
“Uhhh, New Year’s Eve?” she snapped back with a furrowed brow and slight smile.
He wanted to refer to it as an outlier, but it clearly wasn’t an outlier. It wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have in the first place, let alone hungover from two straight days of beers and shots of Fireball.
She began unloading her raglan bag overflowing with kale, beets, rhubarb, and plastic bags filled with unlabeled seeds ranging from tan to black. While she started to discuss her plans for the rest of the day and weekend, Todd’s brain kept reverting back to the list in her bedroom — from the last item, to the sheer length, to whether or not he left it in the same position he had found it in.
“Katie and Finn asked if we wanted to do sushi tonight, any interest?” she asked.
“Yeah,” a started Todd responded, “I could do that.”
“Okay, awesome, I’ll let her know.”
Organizing her disheveled apartment, she started making her way toward the bedroom. And after folding her Pendleton blanket, it was clear she was going to ask Todd to help her make the bed next. Indeed, she did, and the look of terror on Todd’s face was clear as he didn’t want to be in the same room as her and the aforementioned list.
“What’s that look for? Get in here.”
Todd walked into the room and peered over to the desk where she was coincidentally standing. Organizing everything, she reached over to the edge of the desk and flipped the list over, unassumingly sliding it under her latest Kinfolk magazine.
“Alright, grab that end of the comforter,” she demanded. “We’ve got work to do.” .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
10:30 and Sperry still hasn’t been fed?!?!
She’s a monster!
List of things for Todd to do
1. schedule a totes romantic couple cruise in february
2. like for sure don’t skimp out and get a cabin with a deck and view, preferably the highest one
3. withdraw all your money out of your checking, savings, retirement funds etc. cause you most def need get her that ring
4. increase your life insurance policy
5. when on the ship casually let her see a tiffany’s box by accident (cause omg she totes feels like audrey hepburn in that movie she hasnt watched all the way yet cause 60’s movie are soo not in HD)
6. mention how nice the deck is outside while she’s getting ready to go turn up at the 90’s style club on the cruise ship(cause omg so retro).
7. casually fall off the deck into the pitch black sea
8. have a life jacket, all your cash on ya and a local boat captain arranged to pick ya up before taking the dive.
Bam death faked, parents get your sweet life insurance money(cause sorry mom and dad) and you get to spend the rest of your on some caribean island.
I started reading it like beautiful satire, but then bam, twist ending. Roger and Ebert give it two thumbs up.
Roger Ebert is one person. You mean Ebert and Roeper.
It sounded wrong to me, just not wrong enough to google on my lunch break. Appreciate it. So everyone, pretend I said what he said ^.
Roger Ebert having to work from the grave. PGP.
You mean Siskel and Ebert. #OG #RIP
Waiting for the shit to hit the fan between those two (#TeamTodd) for the last many months is like waiting for a sneeze that never happens.
Holy shit. This is incredible.
But I feel for ya man. Need another bucket of water? Some fertilizer?
“Financial planner / budget / talk to dad”
Run Todd.
Todd’s resolution: get Sperry and get out
Todd needs to go talk to his dad about how to get out of this mess. He’ll know what to do.
via GIPHY
Girls don’t actually make lists like this, right? Right???!!!
My roommate is painting her resolutions on a series of canvases and putting them on the wall of her room. So far she has yoga retreat, get a financial planner, drink more juice, and get a boyfriend all up there.
Not those of us who are sane at least.
varying degrees of (in)sanity to be precise
She is a 12 on the 1-10 crazy scale.
Maybe a 37 on a 10 scale. She definitely left that list in plain view on purpose.
I bet there is a birth control “failure” if Todd doesn’t propose by Easter.
TGDAG: Go Batshit Crazy