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The mirror that stared back at her revealed creases from her pillowcase and one cheek with more blush than the other. She shuffled through a small shoebox of meds in hopes of finding Advil or Tylenol, only to resort to texting Todd when neither showed up.
“Toddddddddddddd,” she sent in her first text. “Did you take the last aspirin?” she followed up immediately.
The night before had spiraled quickly. A Halloween party that began in a loft in a different part of town spiraled when John and Todd pitched going to a dive bar nearby. Her Stranger Things costume as Nancy didn’t land as hard as Todd’s costume as Steve. Todd, after all, had the hair for it which gave him the natural advantage. Katie, dressed as some non-descript version of Ariana Grande, asked her, “Wait, what are you?” before looking at Todd and saying, “Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it.” It was not her ideal start to the night.
Todd and John had skipped out of the party early. Halloween falling on a Tuesday did not lend itself to going out as hard as they would’ve liked.
“Wait, did they already go?” Caroline asked while sipping punch from a clear plastic cup.
She turned her head over her shoulder only to drunkenly respond, “Oh… yeah, I guess they did.”
“Well isn’t that nice of them,” Caroline responded with a snarky tone. “That’s the second time Todd’s ghosted on me this week.” She was, of course, referring to Todd’s last-minute decline of her invitation to take her ring shopping. He claimed he had a last minute client lunch, but Caroline knew that was complete and utter bullshit.
They each looked down at their drinks and mentally weighed whether they should leave the Halloween party or head to the bar a couple blocks away. “I mean,” Caroline paused, “I think they’re watching the end of the baseball game so…”
“We don’t need them to have fun,” she interrupted. “Let’s go get some more drinks.”
This was one of the last, if not the last memories she had from the night before. As she lingered in her bathroom hoping aspirin would appear out of thin air, she could taste the cheap vodka that had clearly been dumped from a handle into the punch bowl. The only remnants that remained from the night were her punch-stained white blouse and Todd’s Members Only jacket that he’d purchased from a thrift store hours before the party.
Her phone buzzed. “I’m sorry, babe, I took the last ones this morning.” He finished the iMessage with the grimacing face emoji in hopes of not being in the dog house. Without responding, she opened her Postmates app and went to Walgreens where she entered information for a bottle of Advil, a large Pedialyte, and some eyeliner she’d run out of over the weekend.
“Caroliiiiiiiiiiine,” was her next text, meant to be written in the same vein as her original text to Todd. “HOW ARE YOU AT WORK RIGHT NOW.”
“…” immediately showed up.
“Um,” Caroline fired back. “Fun Fact: I’m not.”
“OMG,” she responded. “Please tell me you called in sick.”
“Mama took a sick day,” Caroline told her. “AND I canceled my after-work spin.”
It was the shot of life she needed, albeit a small one considering how bad her headache was. “Can we please please please do something?” she asked. She didn’t want to leave the apartment and clean the makeup off of her face, but misery loves company and she knew she needed to motivate somehow.
After a brief stint of silence, Caroline finally responded positively. “Well, I just threw up in the shower.” This wasn’t the first time Caroline had done so. In fact, it was standard protocol for her in college so this amazed no one. Following up after a series of “hahahahaha” texts, Caroline pitched an idea – “What if I pick up to-go salads from Leaf and come over and watch Netflix all day?”
She hadn’t thrown up yet, but the idea of shoveling dry spinach into her mouth made her want to physically die. “Can we do burrito bowls instead? There’s a Chipotle LITERALLY across the street from me.”
“I’m getting an Ubes now,” Caroline responded.
The thirty minutes between their text conversation and when Caroline actually arrived at her door seemed like an eternity. In the time between, she had not only showered but made her bed and thrown all the dirty costume clothes from the night before in a pile that you couldn’t see from the kitchen and living room area. Her Postmates order still had yet to arrive, so she had no choice but to fix herself a tall ice water and drink the rest of a half-full bottled espresso drink she’d gotten from Whole Foods last week.
“Ugh,” she grunted while opening the door. “I never thought you’d fucking get here.”
Cutting to the chase, Caroline immediately asked, “So how much do you remember from last night?”
You couldn’t tell if it was the lingering blush from her costume or if she was actually blushing, but she noted that she simply remembered, “Four or five of the bootleg jungle juice they were serving and pretty much nothing else.”
“I meannnnnnnn,” Caroline drew out. “I remember meeting Todd and John at that stupid bar but then I had some IPA John bought for me and I went straight to Blackout Town.”
“We’re the woooooorst,” she struggled to get out. “Like, I don’t even remember what you were last night, tbh.”
“I was Pretty Woman,” she reluctantly admitted, “but I’m pretty sure everyone who saw me just thought I was common street trash which is officially what I feel like at this very moment.”
After a knock at her door and an awkward exchange with a hipster named Dale who came in tow with her bag of goodies from Walgreens, Caroline laughed and asked, “Did you really just Postmates Pedialyte and eyeliner? I can’t tell if I should congratulate you or have an intervention.”
They sat on the couch and turned on an episode of Friends. “The One With Joey’s Porsche,” to be specific.
“Is 10:45 too early to get Chipotle?” she asked Caroline. “Like, are they even open yet?”
In the most half-ass way possible, she attempted to look out their balcony window and see if there was a sign signaling whether they were open or closed. Unable to see either way, she pitched that they wait until at least 11:30 so they don’t embarrass themselves in public. “Nothing screams ‘struggle shuttle’ like sitting outside Chipotle while the workers unlock the door,” Caroline mumbled.
With silence filling the room outside of the Friends banter and canned laughter from the live studio audience, she finally broke it 17 minutes into the episode by asking, “Should we, like, do something today?”
It was an uncomfortable question considering both of them 1.) wanted to do absolutely nothing, but 2.) felt like they needed to be productive humans on a Wednesday.
“Why don’t we, like, go walk around the square and pop into some shops later this afternoon and reward ourselves for being productive by getting a glass of wine at Cork during happy hour?” Caroline proposed. I bet Todd and John could meet us and they could tell us some stories we’d rather not hear about last night.”
She weighed the options in her head. Was putting more alcohol into her system the smartest idea? No. Would it make her feel better? Yes. Had she been eying a pair of shoes at a boutique in the square and hoping to justify buying them with a little hungover retail therapy? Absolutely.
“I mean,” she hesitated. “Can we get some spinach and artichoke dip too?”
“Uhhhhhh DUH,” Caroline affirmed. “But, like, first can you show me the ring that Todd hid in your room?” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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No way in hell Girl gets her eyeliner from Walgreens
Hahaha.
Great, could they pickup some dog food from Walgreens too?
Poor Sperry. What kind do they buy for you?
Organic, vegan BS. I’d kill someone for a cheeseburger.
You poor thing!
Actually I can believe that. Walgreens sells some expensive female products. My wife sent me there to buy her hair spray called “Big Sexy Hair”, it was like $30 and I almost lost my mind….I thought it would run around $6.
Hairspray and makeup are two totally different ballparks
I learned last week what Blue Mercury was after a $300 charge showed up on our credit card statement.
I was thinking the same thing.
I’m pretty sure she regularly buys it from a place that rhymes with “Bush.”
Man I hate to break it to you but Bush and Lush don’t rhyme
Whoops.
More like “Phephora”
Trump was very pleased to see Todd pull BIG league move and ghost the very annoying Caroline last week just like the American people were promised. Big Win!…Unfortunately, the Fake News is working overtime. As Paul Manaforts lawyer said, there was “no collusion” and events mentioned took place long before he came to the TRUMP campaign…But it is NOW the very annoying Caroline that is the one committing highly illegal acts of COLLUSION with Girl to inspect the ring Todd received from his mother. This very crooked behavior. This story must be exposed like total creep and lying snake John Podesta was. You know the one that has the Dems in a dither. He is RUNNING from his own firm! Just like Caroline is running from her own work responsibilities after Halloween. Who still goes out on this day at their age unless it’s for their own children? BIZARRE. Time to get their act in line. Instead she’s roping Girl into some ‘Retail Therapy’ for the day. How very irresponsible, people. Trump has warned before that Todd won’t be able to support her expensive habits unless Congress acts on Trump’s plan. House and Senate should consider ASAP as the process of final approval moves along. We must save Todd. Push Biggest Tax Cuts EVER. All of this “Russia” talk right when the Republicans are making their big push for historic Tax Cuts & Reform Is this coincidental? NOT!….Also, there is NO COLLUSION!
Caroline’s stock dropping faster than Lehman Brothers’ in 2008.
Or Enron in late 2001
I really hope Todd’s “Client Lunch” consisted of fajitas at Hooter’s just to complete the power move of cancelling on Caroline
I see Todd as more of a Tilted Kilt man…
Or Twin Peaks?
Twin peaks is more “salt of the earth”, blue collar folks. Hooters is more redneck.
I think we deserve a Chronicles of Todd tomorrow.
Will doesn’t give a shit what we think we deserve
This is true.
What about what I deserve, Will? I deserve a Chronicles of Todd where I am heavily featured…
Better yet, we need a Chronicles of Sperry!
I don’t hate it.
I think Todd deserves a chronicles of Todd.
Girl: “Todddddddddddddd”
Todd: “Fuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkk”
Every third-person “mama” makes me want to die.
Most of the words they abbreviate as well. Shout out to Will for sitting through the research.
Does Uber really need to be abbreviated?
If it’s the same number of letters, is it an abbreviation?
If I had to go to work and my girlfriend didn’t I’d take the last Advil too and I wouldn’t respond to her for at least an hour
Better move is to tell her you didn’t take the last one, and then laugh to yourself knowing she’s hungover and frantically searching for relief that will never come
Rewarding themselves with wine for being “productive” by walking around and popping into some shops. JFC.
Who goes out on Halloween when it’s on a Tuesday rather than the weekend before??
You do so if you live off daddy’s money
Tuesday Boozeday
If you’re my still-in-school roommates, then it’s both