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Saturday night was one of the most stressful situations I’ve ever been in. While drunk in my Uber, I feverishly tracked what the status of my Favor was. I didn’t just want chicken tenders; I needed chicken tenders. Stop by stop, mile by mile, we were in a Fast & Furious-style race against time to beat Favor home so they wouldn’t leave my house without handing over the goods.
When I walked inside and my roommate’s girlfriend noticed that I had created a traffic jam in our driveway, she said, “You’re a real piece of shit, you know that?” And I did know that, because there are a bunch of myths about millennials that I perpetuate on a daily basis and refuse to let die (as Huffington Post suggests).
1. We can’t live without our parents.
We’re lazy, we’re entitled and—the most offensive allegation of all—we’re still children. After all, 36% of us live with our parents.
Well, of course, we can’t live without our parents. Have you seen how much an iPhone bill costs when you’re not on a family plan? Yeah, me neither, and I sure as hell don’t want to see. Best case scenario in my life is that my mom forgets to send me a Venmo receipt and I get a month free. That is, until I stream an entire quarter of a football game on my way to a wedding in an Uber only to find out that I singlehandedly used all of our data that month. But still, without that family plan, we’d have less data in the first place. Thanks, mom and dad.
2. We’re unemployed.
Unemployment rates are similarly skewed. The millennial unemployment rate is 12.8%, more than twice the national average. But this number includes 18-24 year olds—39% of which are in college. If you remove this age group, millennial unemployment is on par with other generations.
There’s no better way of making your peers feel jealous and inferior than hashtagging #funemployment with every photo you post. It shows that you don’t need a job (even though you do) and you can afford to backpack in Europe for two months (even though you have crippling credit card debt from going to thirteen weddings in the past calendar year). Furthermore, “finding yourself” is nearly impossible when you’re working a project manager job at Yelp or moonlighting as a barista at a local cafe. The shackles of a job restrain you from being able to be the person you’re truly meant to be – something you can only get by going to mid-afternoon spin classes and wasting countless mornings on Pinterest while you’re hungover.
3. We’re lazy.
In a viral response to a Yelp employee’s letter to her CEO, writer Stefanie Williams summed a common attitude about our generation: “You sit on your ass looking for cushy jobs you are not entitled to while you complain about the establishment, probably from a nice laptop.” The problem, claims Williams, is “You expected to get what you thought you deserved rather than expected to work for what you had to earn.”
You think sitting on your ass looking for cushy jobs is lazy? Oh no, I’ll show you lazy.
I present to you a piece of art that I’d like to call… Saturdays.
Yes, you read that right – on one recent Saturday, I took 10 total steps. Here, to put that into perspective, stand up at your desk and walk to the Keurig. And there you have it, you’ve taken more than 10 steps.
With NBC covering English Premier League soccer and college football going from 11 a.m. until I fall asleep with a half-full glass of Pinot next to me, I can pretty much do nothing all day and feel like I accomplished everything – all while ‘interacting’ with my ‘friends’ using a nice laptop and iPhone. If anything, applying for jobs and updating your resume is commendably impressive to me. Good on you.
4. We’re having rampant sex and won’t marry.
Contrary to popular credo, millennials aren’t having more sex than other generations. The Journal of Sex Research reports that only 31.9% of college students from 1988-1996 reported having more than one sexual partner in the past year—compared to a nearly-identical 31.6% of today’s students between 2002-2010. Another study found that millennials have fewer sexual partners than any other generation since our grandparents, who at the same age averaged just two partners each.
I’m not sure what type of friends you’re rolling ’round town with but here are two constants about mine: they’re all getting fucking married and all of them end up getting so drunk that they’d rather eat pizza and watch television on their couch than have sex. The only people around my age who I saw having “rampant” sex were the characters on Looking, but that show got cancelled so we’re all back to square one. Would I like to live in a world where my weekends could be dedicated to staycations rather than being forced to invest in a tuxedo because it makes more financial sense than renting one? Of course. But that ship has sailed, Magellan.
5. We’re “the most entrepreneurial generation ever.”
The Internet may have made entrepreneurship more visible and trendy, but new research shows it’s not more common. In fact, a recent analysis of Federal Reserve data suggests that entrepreneurship among young people is at a 25-year low.
Well yeah, it’s because all the good ideas are already taken. One night two years ago I was high and looking deep into a refrigerator for something to eat. It was at that point I thought to myself, “Why isn’t there an app that takes all my leftover ingredients and gives me a recipe?” I was going to call it Scrapps and I was going to be a billionaire foodie. That is, until someone told me that such a thing already existed.
Dollar Shave Club, but for tampons. Already exists. Swiss Army Knife iPhone case. Already exists. Postmates but for liquor. Already exists. Yeah, everything I’ve thought of already exists, but you know what? I still thought of those ideas on my own – and that’s entrepreneurial as fuck.
6. We all want to work from home.
I prefer working from home. It turns out the majority of my generation doesn’t. A recent study conducted by Randstad and Future Workplace found that 42% of millennials surveyed preferred working in a corporate office, while 21% and 20% preferred working in a co-working space or home office, respectively.
I worked from home yesterday in a pair of athletic shorts with an elastic waistband. I even took productivity to an all-time high by bringing my laptop to the bathroom when my cold brew started going through me. That’s the type of work ethic that you can’t display in a corporate office scenario because it’s “unacceptable” to bring your laptop into the handicap stall for an hour. Or, at least, that’s what my boss tells me.
Unfortunately, when you work from home, everyone in the office doesn’t see your face and thinks, “Must be nice,” the entire time. But me? I’m productive as hell – all while taking ten steps or less by the time that five o’clock bell rings. .
[via Huffington Post]
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
I kinda want to hate you Will but I can’t, because you are me. But white. And in a relationship. And you grow a better beard. And less in shape (but not out of shape you are beautiful inside and out Will). And you get more likes on insta for a picture of your brunch than I do for slaving away at French pastries for hours (or days).
But we’re basically the same. You’re the Joker to my Batman.
I kinda have to agree. I don’t like associating with any of these things particularly (save the sex thing), but I know this is who I am. I’m sickened as well as humbled.
Going to your parents house is probably heavenly tbh
It’s got its perks. I’m pretty much a celeb up there. Mary Mag still thirsty as ever.
You are the living embodiment of every millennial stereotype, you are the dictionary definition of our generation.
I grow more and more worried about you with every passing article.
Me too, man. Me too.
Have faith, the Lord is with him.
Will is basically one big millennial gift topped with a Beta Bow. The only thing that you need to complete this list is to start a GoFundMe campaign to pay off you student loans so you can be free to travel and explore your passions.
yeah but he’s funny and self aware
I’m legitimately impressed by your ability to only take 10 steps in a day, Will
Right? Did he have a catheter implanted or something?
A round trip to my toilet is 14
Millennials aren’t the only ones who want to work from home. It’s encouraged by Transportation Planners as a way to manage traffic volumes, and parents like the flexibility it gives them to be home when their kids are home.
I was kicked off my family phone plan at age 20, it was the biggest reality check I’ve ever had.
Started paying my own bill at 21, sup?
Guys, I’m 100% still on board with all of us being on one big family cell phone plan. I don’t know logistically how it would work, but I’m into it.
Like you’ve always said Will, going back to your parents house is like a weekend at an all inclusive resort. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
You’ll never dip more vegetables in hummus than when you’re sitting on your parents couch.
I really can’t wrap my head around this ten step thing. How did you pee? Did you have a bottle next to you to use? Or are you a camel?
Hungover dehydration.
but what about your post bender shit?