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With Valentine’s Day comes a lot of bullshit. That’s just the truth. You have grocery store flowers upcharging you 500% and restaurants serving special menus that are sure to make your credit score plummet. While there’s a lot of thought, stressing, and charging that goes into this day, there’s one aspect couples and singles alike all take part in: The Instagram Post.
Most people think that the Valentine’s Day post (just like the NYE post, the birthday post, and the 4th of July post) is used to tell people that no matter how shitty you are as a human, your life is pretty great and wonderful things are happening to you. And while that’s normally the case for other holidays, if you expect to get any social media attention on this day, there’s a different route you must take.
Don’t Post A Picture With Your Significant Other
Arguably the worst day of the year to post a couple picture, Valentine’s Day is sure to yield less-than-desired results on any and all mushy posts. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, what your story is, or how cute of a pose you think you’re doing. No one, and I mean no one, wants to see you and your long-term relationship smiling into each others’ eyes while they try to scroll and forget their bitter loneliness. Just forgo the picture, give your Valentine a gift behind closed doors (sex. I mean sex), and you’ll make everyone happy.
Definitely Don’t Post A Picture With Your Almost Significant Other
What, you’ve been together five minutes? You’ve taken one selfie together? You’ve seen each other naked twice? Despite what the movies say, now is not the time to make a grand romantic gesture, and it’s definitely not the time to do it over social media. If you want to show how much you like someone, tell them that you think Valentine’s day is a joke, then surprise them with $200+ worth of clearance shit tomorrow. They’ll get 10x more stuff, and they’ll truly appreciate your fiscally responsible mentality. I think.
No Pictures With Your Galentines
I get it — single girls need love too. And the Galentine’s Day concept, while utterly cringe-worthy, makes sense. You want to feel the love of your bitches as you remind yourselves, single or not, that you don’t actually need no man. The thing is, pretty much every day on Instagram is Galentine’s Day. I mean, posing with your girls in slightly slutty outfits and proclaiming how much you love each other is just another Saturday. There’s no need to make an extra post about it today, especially when it just draws attention to the fact that you’re not getting any tonight.
Ditch The Flower, Candy, And Gift Shots
It’s bad enough when you post your seasonal holiday gifts all over social media. Still, at least most people get something brag-worthy to rub in other peoples’ faces during that time. Valentine’s Day on the other hand? Plenty of your friends aren’t getting anything. And worse than that, there’s a whole lot of other people just thinking you’re an idiot for being sucked into the commercial holiday and spending $50 on a $15 bouquet of shitty filler flowers.
Don’t Post Anything That Shows How Happy You Are
Honestly, anything where you look like you’re enjoying life is a no-go. I mean, no one wants to see anyone else actually happy. If they’re miserable they’re going to hate you, and if they’re also happy, they’re going to wonder if you’re happier than they are. The only way of ensuring that everyone doesn’t wish for the deterioration of your relationship? Don’t remind people that you’re in one today.
Post A Picture Of You Looking Miserable And Alone
Finally, the secret to a good post. The only way to get any likes on this day. The key to Instagram domination: is to make yourself look as miserable as possible. Go to a cat shelter and surround yourself with felines. Have someone take a picture of you as you shove handfuls of candy into your mount and cry. Chug some alcohol in public next to a couple making out. Go to a Valentine’s dinner alone and have your waiter take a photo of you reading a book surrounded by attractive people embracing.
However you choose to show how shitty and horrible your life is, make sure to give it everything you got. Because when it really comes down to it, Valentine’s Day is the best day of the year to be single. I mean, no. Not if you want a life of happiness, love, or sex. But if you want to get some solid social media validation one day out of the year, this is your day. Lucky you!.
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
I posted a tribute of pictures of my favorite food from the last 2 months. Best relationship I’ve ever had.
This is the kind of photo I’d roll my eyes and groan at, but toss a like anyway.
Story of my life, man
Valentine’s day is a great time to capitalize on post grad loneliness and shoot your shot.
I swished a three pointer on twitter and now have a nice Saturday date lined up with a girl I hit it off with at a party, but haven’t talked to in 3 months.
talk fiscally to me
While I do agree with all of these points , you should just do whatever makes you happy. If you want to post a mushy-ass picture with your S.O. then go for it. If you want to go out and get hammered with all of your single friends to forget how lonely you are (me) then do it.