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Gentlemen, it was bound to happen—there is a dick measuring app for your iPhone and iPad called “Condom Size.” Dick size is an age old topic of discussion thanks to humanity’s obsession with how big the bat you are swinging is (and women think they have it tough when it comes to cup sizes). Whoever created this app knew it was going to draw significant attention and naturally, I figured it was worth checking out. Because I care so much about you, I spent $0.99 of my hard earned money, grabbed a tape measure, and decided to evaluate it for myself.
Measurements cover length and girth, basically the standard method used by bored, curious girlfriends with access to tape measures. The “How To” measuring section for length gives you the 2 step process of properly measuring your manhood. Step 1: Get a boner and hold it against a measuring device lengthwise. Step 2: Measure from the base (not the balls) to the tip. You then enter your length in the measurement section. Lengths go up to 99.99 inches so for you 100+ inchers out there, you are out of luck. Just swing that thing over your shoulder and move on with your life.
Next, you measure the girth, and the instructions tell you to get a piece of string, wrap it around your junk, and measure the length of string. This is turning into an NFL Combine all-inclusive measurement session. Once all measurements are in the app recommends a condom size, a specific condom, and your penis’ world ranking. I know you’re wondering what the world ranking is. It is displayed as a percent, where 100% is the average penis size based on all the data put into the app. If you are at, say, 75%, you are 3/4 the size of the average penis. If you are at 125%, you are 25% bigger than the average penis.
Once you’ve enjoyed your results and world ranking, you can take the recommended condom size and go to the condom chart and look at your options, which, of course, each link you to a page where you can buy the condom. There are also condom tips such as how to put on a condom, some common sense facts about what not to do with a condom (like use the same one more than once), and some interesting facts like what lubes not to use for butt stuff. Useful information here, folks!
It also has a section for fun dick facts, if you are bored. Did you know the average speed of an ejaculation is 30 mph? Also, apparently, the smallest erection ever measured was 1 cm long. One more—the Danish term for condom is “Svangerskabforebyggendemiddel,” which would make asking a Danish convenience store clerk where the condoms are a million times worse. I did not fact check these at all. For all I know, the app is full of shit. Nevertheless, the “fun facts” are still a feature.
I have to give the app a big thumbs up for profiting off of mens’ biggest insecurity. Shameless pursuit of profit is what made America great. The $0.99 price tag is a reasonable value for the entertainment value and facts. Most guys subconsciously want to know how they measure up, and here is their chance.
And to answer what will be your first question, yes, I did actually use the app to write this column.