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Can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner. Well, probably because I’m from a county directly north of Manhattan and didn’t become a seasoned veteran of this concrete jungle until now after living here for two years.
That being said, you won’t catch me claiming to be from New York City like the people that live 45 minutes from Boston who claim to be “from Boston.” Nonetheless, walking the streets involves people watching and with people watching comes noticing patterns. As you notice these patterns of certain pedestrians in New York City, you start to realize how dumb people really truly are.
So here is a definitive list of the worst people in New York City. Trigger warning: I have egregious, cynical takes on this particular subject.
The Tourist
I will preface this by saying I bet I look like an absolute moron while traveling to other countries and taking pictures of shit that people walk by every day on their way to work. But, you know what the difference between Il Duomo in Florence or The Colosseum and Trevi Fountain in Rome (or any historic building in any European country) and a random fucking high rise along Park Avenue in New York City is? Historical significance, that’s what. They don’t have organized tours around a random New York City apartment building. What these tourists take pictures in front of are not historical, nor do they have any importance other than housing the inhabitants of the city.
Even worse is the fact that they stop in the middle of the goddamn sidewalk that has thousands of pedestrians on it to do so. I can confidently say it’s pure common sense to not stand still for more than one second on the street in Manhattan. Why? Because oh, I don’t know, the thousands of people rushing up and down the streets will bury you without a second thought.
The Biker/Runner
I get it, and I’m all for exercising and staying active/in-shape. But if you ride a bike in New York City, fuck you. Plain and simple. There are some exceptions; professionals getting to and from work via CitiBike or a bike of their own (this is the fastest and cheapest way around Manhattan), and delivery people. That’s it, and there are no more exceptions. If you get dressed up in workout clothes and have that skinny-wheeled bike to go on a “ride” through the streets of New York, you are objectively a shween.
Now, to the runners. If you run up and down 5th Avenue, Broadway or any other main street crowded with people, you are an absolute joke. No debating this one either. You are a literal joke. Actually, come to think about it, those leggings, neon green running shoes, obnoxious Oakleys and no-shirt don’t make you look like an asshole at all. So, please, continue to act like you don’t want everyone walking past you to gawk at you.
If you want to bike/run along the FDR or West Side Highway, that’s cool – go nuts. However, if you are reading this and you fit the description, I hate to break it to you. I’m not the only one that feels this – everyone hates you. Pedestrians and drivers alike. As a matter of fact, I can say that the lines I have penned in the two above paragraphs are sheer fact.
The Slow Walker AKA Person On Their Phone
It is the general consensus that most people in New York City are in a rush. The stereotype is true. So, if you’re walking slowly, that means you are pissing everyone off. A swift pace isn’t too much to ask. If you’re on a busy street and are moving at a pace slower than “get out of the way,” odds are you’re making everyone around you upset.
If you’re on your phone, this is even worse. You looking down at your phone will only make you slower and more unaware of your surroundings. You know what will happen then? You will get bundled by a fast walking, aware pedestrian or walk into one of the many other people walking while not on their phones. Take this as a warning and don’t be that person.
The Family With A Stroller/Young Children
I am not suited to give parenting advice because I don’t have a kid. But, you can’t be doing it right if you have your infant in the middle of Times Square. You have to be absolutely bonkers doing that. Do you know how many people walking have no care for your delicate child sitting in that stroller? Do you realize that someone in a rush or on their phone can barrel over you and potentially hurt your kid if he’s under the age of like, five?
Either way, you’ve made this list because you are putting your kid in harm’s way and inconveniencing those trying to get around. I am assuming from observation that the number of times a child tries to run away from you is quite frequent, so this only adds to the risk of them getting hurt by a passer by. You can ignore it or take parenting advice from a 24-year-old, your choice. .
Respond
Honey, look they have a McDonald’s here too! Get my picture
I will never understand why the McD’s in Times Square is always jam packed. You are surrounded by thousands upon thousands of unique restaurants, and you pick fucking McD’s.
It’s cheap. And for parents, the kids love it.
It may be the most expensive McDonalds on the planet.
Uh, for the same reason you can go to the end of the earth…and there are still the same chain restaurants. Bored people like safe things, like the same horrible food they can get back home. Simple, really.
Thought you were supposed to be sailing around the world
“Heroes get remembered but lobsters never die”
I see myself more as the ‘mid mental break down’ Robert
What have you done to my boat? You goons!
Let’s take the Babystroller people and multiply that to a cosmic level: you’re putting your kid in harms way just by creating it and letting it run around on this planet. Right now this place is a shit hole filled with other assholes. Society is crumbling, the planet is fighting back with climate change and it will shake us off like a bad case of fleas, your kid isn’t going to get truly educated because the education system is put there to spit out another ignorant worker, only a small % actually succeed and the rest just show up and are “happy to be there”. Money is god, why do you think it’s printed and minted in every piece of currency and why the church always wants money from people who are already poor even though they don’t pay taxes. Bottom line, maybe just don’t have the kid and take a couple more vacations per year for the rest of your life and enjoy some shit before it all burns to the ground. Don’t worry, nothing is that important, including yourself and everyone you know…..okay, in going to go get my morning coffee, sorry! lol
Every time I read your post I expect an “eat at Arbys” at the end a la the nihilist Arby’s Twitter feed.
Well good morning to you too!
Nived, this was a very general nihilist comment for you. I prefer to hear your thoughts on the petrodollar… now if you had mentioned how each kid being born would lead to the melting of the polar ice caps, which would ultimately lead to polar bears moving south and eating children in Manhattan, I’d have loved it.
Well, I didn’t want to give away all the CIA psy-ops experiments. Now the cat’s out of the bag. God damnit, now what are we gonna do that the world’s greatest secret is out. They want you to think the biggest secret was aliens but it’s a scam, we’re the aliens and the polar bears are congregating in Antarctica to take over their planet. Why do you think it’s literally illegal to go to Antarctica? It’s obv because the polar bears are getting technological help from the outer dimensional entities as well as the Nazis who have had a secret base there since WWII. Everyone needs to kill all the seals in order to distract the polar bears and to distract the Great Whites who the polar bears have signed a war treaty with to form the Animal Axis
Even though I spent the whole summer on crutches, I was STILL faster on the sidewalk than every tourist
Honestly, the bikers in any major metropolitan city should be shot or at the very least hit by a car.
In ATL there is a big cycling group that gets together to ride around. Great! But they do it at 5:30 PM and it makes me SO MAD!
Poor you. Life is tough.
You mean people on motorcycles? You’re gonna get the Hells Angels after you for writing that. Or, do you mean all the professional adults bicycle commuting in Copenhagen?
People on bicycles are cyclists. And what a stupid stance. People doing something you don’t like should be harmed. How open-minded! Too bad that as cities grow even more dense, they’ll be more and more pedestrians and people NOT in cars.
Try riding a bicycle, you’d likely be less of an asshole.
Get out of here you tricycle riding clown.
The ghost of Vaginator
Who pissed in your cereal this morning?
You know damn well what he meant, and yes cyclists are a nuisance and hindrance to everyone on the road.
Oh god. How uninformed are you? You do realize bicycles are older than cars and pedestrians are older than both, so cyclists and walkers have a right to be on those roads.
Get over yourself. Roads were not built for shitty disgruntled motorists to speed around. Try leaving your car at home for a day and see how nice life is, you’ll thank me.
Fuck you. Because I choose to not own a shitty big piece of metal that pollutes the planet, you think I’m a nuisance? Good lord.
Take a step back. Do you think you driving around that big polluting piece of shit all the time is a nuisance to say…the crickets? the birds? the deer? the streams? the lakes? the rivers?
Get the fuck over yourself. The world wasn’t created so you can drive around like a privileged asshole.
I think we found the cyclist.
And the oblivious assholes who stand on the left side of the escalators. Although I guess that’s not technically “streets of NYC” but it happens more than I’d like so I’m lumping them into this.
This is so important, my biggest pet peeve
We should publicly stone bikers.
All those guys in leather on their motorcycles are going to kick the life out of you before you can stone them.
Wasn’t clever the first time
Please, stop.
People still want to live in New York City?
Hell yeah! What’s better than being packed in a sweltering hot subway car anytime you need to go anywhere?
In Atlanta if you are walking around and looking up at stuff and not paying attention, you wont notice when the sidewalk abruptly ends because the construction scaffolding is blocking it and you’ll walk right into a streey that mighy be one way, but who can really even tell anymore.
same thing happens in DC
I live for the days I get to see families and middle school groups get separated by the metro doors. Brings me so much joy.
Watching my tourist, old, addle-brained in-laws get separated by metro doors- 10x so much joy.
Sidewalk traffic in DC vs. NYC is not comparable. The Mall on weekends or Adams Morgan on a Saturday night, maybe. But NYC sidewalks in Manhattan are a sea of people much more frequently.
Families with young kids make my blood boil. At least with slow walkers you can move around. I can’t move around your big ass family with 7 tiny kids taking up the entire sidewalk.