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Deciding what you want to do with a Saturday night is incredibly difficult. Staying in is always an option sitting in your back pocket, but if you’re living anywhere worth a damn, you’ll feel guilty about staying in once you’ve polished that tub of ice cream off and the texts about where you’re at start to pile up.
Don’t ask me why, but a Saturday night just has a different vibe to it then a Friday night does. Everyone’s rested. As far as you know, work isn’t on anyone’s mind.
There are four types of people at every single Saturday evening pregame you’ve been to in the past couple of years. When you’re pregaming at someone’s place you know most of the people in attendance in some way. The ones that I’ll be listing just so happen to be people that toe the line between total stranger and fringe-y acquaintance. You’ll run into people who fall outside of these four categories, but for the most part, I think this is a fairly accurate description of whom you share the kitchen counter with.
These people all converge in one place and one place only: the kitchen. Why people flock to the kitchen to stand around in when there is usually a perfectly nice living room with ample seating is a question I have not been able to answer, but this is just the way things are. You’ll be able to spot all of these people hovering around the kitchen counter and probably accidentally turning the stove on while they’re leaning up against one of the burners.
“I’m too drunk to function.”
This guy or girl is always entertaining until he/she does something like throw up all over the host’s bathroom floor or says something that hits a little too close to home for another guest. They’re the drunkest person at this party for one of two reasons. 1. They are very good friends of the person who decided to throw the pregame. This gives them leeway with most of the people who are in attendance. They’ll get a pass for being the drunkest person there because they know just about everyone. 2. They don’t know anyone there. They probably got a little nervous about being at a pregame with a bunch of strangers. Completely understandable. Can’t recommend that getting belligerently drunk is the best way to make new friends at a pregame, though.
“Let’s talk about the national mood and political climate as a whole.”
Arguably the worst fucking person at any pregame. They’ve probably got a few IPAs in their system, and while he or she is not slurring their words like the guy who just puked all over your buddy’s toilet seat, he is metaphorically puking everywhere. It’s called word vomit, and this guy is spewing it all over the place. Whether he’s contrarian because he knows it’ll rile people up or he’s just an asshole is anyone’s guess. And while most people will just avoid this guy like the plague, there’s always one person there who will take the bait and get into an hour and a half long shouting match over something they had no intention of talking about in the first place.
The Couple Who Does Not Want To Be There
These two have pursed lips, one bottle of wine that they probably won’t finish, and a spot either sitting down at the dinner table with the one other couple there or in the far reaches of the kitchen. They probably aren’t saying much and everyone can tell that they’re just waiting for the rest of the party to get drunk enough that they won’t know and/or care that they just Irish exited. This couple definitely believes that they are “above shit like this” now that they’re in the latter half of their 20s and they probably will spend their Uber ride home from this pregame shitting on the single people who are in attendance. “It’s no wonder [single guy/girl] can’t find someone, did you see him pouring shots for everyone like we were still in college?”
Guy That No One Really Knows
You’ve asked a majority of the people at this place who the hell this charismatic dude is that is mingling with everyone like he’s fucking Bill Clinton running for president. He’s charming and funny and, quite frankly, it’s a little annoying that you can’t figure out who he is. He probably knows the host of the pregame from some networking event or a study abroad trip. Whatever the case, you’re secretly dying to meet this guy just to hear what his story is because the thought of talking to your friends’ not-quite-girlfriend about her spin class this morning makes you want to crawl in a hole and die.
Bonus: Girl/Guy Who Should Absolutely Not Be In Public Due To Her Recent Breakup
This person is an absolute wreck and some jackass had the bright idea of texting them a few hours ago saying something like “Just come! It’s going to be so much fun and I think it will really do you some good.” And it goes okay until the guy who is too drunk to function starts pouring up Rumplemintz for everyone and our heartbroken friend gets sad-drunk. There’ll be crying or shouting about their ex. A lot of shit talking. And, of course, an inevitable drunk dial or text that no one will know about until tomorrow morning. Similar to the couple that doesn’t want to be there, recently broken up with girl/boy will Irish exit back to their bed where they’ll wallow in a pit of their own self-despair. Depressing? Yes. True? You know it.
The pregame is usually more fun than the bar. It’s cheaper for one thing, and you can always hear yourself talk when you’re standing around in a kitchen with a vodka soda that doesn’t have any ice because someone just used the last two cubes in the ice tray on their drink. These people that I’ve just described are objectively awful. But appreciate them. You need them at your pregame or else you would never have anyone to make fun of. .
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jduda@grandex.co
If you live in a big city, there’s always someone’s friend who’s the out of towner. They either live across the country or in the suburbs, so there’s no reason to talk them because you’ll never see them again, unless it’s a single hot girl.
Can confirm, as I am typically the “out-of-towner”. No one ever wants to talk to me unless I’m in a group with my friend already 🙁 But hey, sometimes there is free booze involved, so there’s that?
The guy who is always trying to rush people to the bar when we’re already having a wonderful time
Another terrible person is the guy who doesn’t bring any alcohol and tries to take some from other people
Yep, for this exact reason I’ve brought garbage bottom-shelf liquor to pregames ever since college. It usually deters people from wanting any or if they do want some they can be my guest because I give zero fucks.
I always sip my drink and think of all the terrible things I’d want to see happen to this person.
The person who says “oh I’m not really drinking too much tonight” when offered shots, and then inevitably gets hammered once at the bar.
John, have you at some point or another been each one of these people at different pregames?
Am I the only one that’s a big fan of the Irish exit? Drunk me does it consistently
Serial ghoster right here!
There’s not really another proper way to leave a party
Girl I didn’t know (friend of a friend of a friend) showed up at a pregame at my apartment recently and stole my 32 oz. Gatorade and 2 slices of my leftover pizza. What kind of monster does that?
Is it a PGP that I often like pregames more than the actual event?
Does anyone really, truly know anyone? There’s plenty of people who still don’t even know themselves and those people end up with other like-minded people and form a couple which is the very couple that doesn’t want to be there. They think they’re above everything because they aren’t “alone” but don’t worry, that connection will slowly die out and their relationship will become more like a small business since they share assets together and got in too deep. They’re now like the small business that’s getting chocked out by the major corporations and are forced to rip off their illusions and sell their assets and their dignity and ultimately destroy themselves from the inside out. So I hope they enjoy their Uber ride home together as they shit on everyone else there because they’ll find themselves feeling more alone year after stagnant year and then scratch and claw at any place holder or vice to grab onto to prop up the illusion of their immense happiness together on social media hahaha…. *rubs hands together evily*
The guy that drinks/likes Jägermeister, I’ve never met someone who actually enjoys the stuff that wasn’t insufferable