I went out last Saturday afternoon and started drinking craft brews at a bar that didn’t serve traditional beers. Bud Light, Mich Ultra, Miller Lite – all of the beers you can expect to be served at a regular hole-in-the-wall were not offered. I had several “double IPAs” and by 8:00 p.m. I was three sheets to the wind. I don’t remember much of the night past 8:30, but I do know that I was asleep in bed by 10:30 p.m., which is why from here on out I’m sticking with Mich Ultra if I’m going to be drinking beer. Double IPAs and other craft brews of that ilk are nice, but they’re difficult to control.
By that I mean it’s really hard to gauge how drunk you are when you’re exclusively drinking craft brew. With a Michelob Ultra or a Bud Light, you know exactly what you’re getting into. You know your limit. And that’s where I take offense to this article written on Liquor.com.
It’s a listicle, and it basically just rips on every domestic light beer served in bars across America. As an American myself, I find it offensive to describe Natural Ice as “What a skunk would taste like if it were liquid.” Some of my best nights in college were spent drinking Natural Ice, and while I will admit that I would never drink it nowadays, it still stings a little bit to see it near the top of this list of awful beers.
The list goes on to name a ton of other beers that all of us enjoyed in our formative years but maybe wouldn’t consider buying post-college. That’s fine. I get that with age comes an appreciation for high-end beer, but they put Michelob Ultra at number 5 and I won’t stand for it. Hopefully, the loyal folks at home who choose to live the Ultra life will agree with me on this.
1.Natural Light: Relied on only for its buzz-inducing affordability.
2.Natural Ice: As stated on Urban Dictionary: “What a skunk would taste like if it were liquid.”
3.Sleeman Clear: Described as “clean and refreshing” but we think it’s more along the lines of “bland and boring”.
4.Milwaukee’s Best Premium: Historically known as “The Beast,” there’s nothing best or premium about this beer.
5.Michelob Ultra: No matter how many actors they get to endorse it, this beer just isn’t gonna happen.
6.Camo Genuine Ale: People only drink this for the 8.6% ABV.
7.Budweiser Select 55: Conceived to be “the lightest beer in the world,” and compared by reviewers to bunny pee.
8.Milwaukee’s Best Light: Maybe Milwaukee’s Worst.
9.Miller Genuine Draft Light 64: Accompanied by a #64ing social media campaign… just no.
10.Bud Light Chelada: Premixed Bud Light and Clamato? No, no, and no.
11.Keystone Light: Always smooth and always tasteless.
12.Keystone Premium: The more elusive, yet just as tasteless, Keystone.
13.Bud Light: The crappy beer that no one will judge you for drinking.
14.Busch Ice: The only thing refreshing about this beer is the snowy mountain peaks on the can.
15.Busch Light: Light, sweet, bland carbonated water.
16.Beer 30 Light: For $12 a rack, you get what you pay for.
17.Old English 800: You only purchase this beer if you’re planning on playing Edward Fortyhands.
18.Labatt Sterling: If you enjoy beer, you won’t enjoy Labatt Sterling.
19.Budweiser Chelada: Really just an awful, 24-ounce Bloody Mary that gets warm before you can finish it.
20.Icehouse Light: Consume Icehouse to appreciate how cheap it can be to get drunk.
Obviously, they went at Mich Ultra with a claim that they’re only popular because they get actors to endorse it. This is patently false. Michelob Ultra’s Instagram game is fire. After Lance Armstrong got caught doping Michelob Ultra dropped him as the face of their beer. They’ve probably had a few celebrity endorsers since then, but they certainly don’t lean heavily on those people to sell beer. Their Instagram depicts everyday people going on jogs, biking up mountains, and doing CrossFit. Those people finish their workout and then head to their local watering hole to enjoy the beer that only has 2.6 carbs and 95 calories.
Michelob Ultra relies on smooth taste to sell their beer. In fact, CNBC recently released a report that found Michelob Ultra to be one of the fastest growing brands in the beer business.
Michelob Ultra is for the sportsmen in all of us. Crush a few handstands at the gym and then start living that Slim Can lifestyle I talk about all the time. If I can derive anything from this shitty listicle on Liquor.com, it’s that we should all completely disregard its claims. They don’t know what they’re talking about..
Image via Instagram