The Unspoken Benefits Of Porn

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For a society that’s supposedly become more “sex positive” (or “morally bankrupt,” as boring people call it) we sure do have some weird hangups about porn. Obviously, there are issues when it comes to how pornography gets made and what it can do psychologically to a person who abuses it, although I’d argue that if the person wasn’t addicted to porn, he or she would probably act out in worse ways. However, I maintain that porn is still much more beneficial than it is harmful. I know, shocking that the male in his mid-twenties is going to defend pornography. The point is, porn offers us a lot of benefits other than just straight up sexual release.

Fantasy Fulfillment

There are certain things that our stupid brains decided we’d be turned on by that we can’t control. It can range from simple role playing all the way to things that even I’m not comfortable articulating (and remember, I’m a horrible person). Because our brains are doubly weird, a lot of this stuff is the type of thing that we would never be able to fulfill in the real world, often even want to. So, in steps nice Mr. Porn Butler with a platter in his hand, carrying a wide array of options within that stupid fantasy that you can’t get out of your head. I’m not just talking about crazy stuff that could never happen in real life, either. There are forums and sites where you can post a photo of someone from real life, and it will match him or her with an actual porn star. That chick you went to high school with and never got the chance to bang who now lives across the country? Don’t bother Facebook messaging her in hopes that you’ve suddenly become charming–just plug her face in and get it out of your system. Boom, just like that, porn solving a problem that people have literally had for centuries: “Can’t bang this girl, guess that’s the end of this fantasy.” Porn says, not so fast!

Sex Ed

Okay people, let’s not start trippin’. Obviously there’s a lot of porn out there that doesn’t accurately portray how sex should actually be performed. You know what it’s better than? No information at all. Do you know how many young guys have zero idea where the vagina really is? Even if you managed to get your hands on your dad’s Penthouse, it didn’t elucidate a whole lot. Even the worst, most uncomfortable looking porn positions still give you a basic idea of sex geography. The first time you have sex is awkward and humiliating enough even when you do know where to put it. I have no idea how they did it in the ‘80s, let alone the 1800s. Same way for girls, too. Dicks are weird, we all know this. They can go from oversized gummy worms to sturdy blood tubes and back to floppy bird status in a matter of seconds. I remember accidentally discovering that if I played around with my Jeremiah Johnson long enough, it shot out a substance I didn’t even know existed. How fucking bananas that was! I can’t even imagine what that same discovery is like for a girl who hasn’t had a decade-plus of dong experience.

Libido Control

It’s a magical thing when two people in a relationship have basically equal libidos. The fact is, some people like to get it on a couple of times a day, whereas others are more once a week types. This obviously ignores the sex camels who are in relationships and go months without banging the gong. I don’t know what’s going on with those people. More commonly, there will be somewhat of an imbalance in the sex drives of two people dating. Stereotypically, it’s the male in the relationship who’s always horny, and his girlfriend rolls her eyes at him–but in reality, it can go either way. What is the person who isn’t really trying to mash genitals all the time supposed to do? Just sigh and hope it ends quickly? Deny his or her partner regularly? Those both sound like bummers. Up until a couple decades ago, if you were sexually frustrated in a marriage, you had basically three options: suck it up and wait, cheat, or jerk your rod or spin your disc in a boring room alone. With such a wide array of porn options, dancing the one-partner tango has never been so appealing. Obviously, porn can sometimes get in the way of healthy sex in a relationship, but more often than not, it’s a great release valve for the randy person in the couple.

Violent Crime Prevention

Sociological studies have shown that violent crime has dropped like crazy in the last 25 years in our country. There have been tons of explanations for this: more police, better investigation tactics, the legalization of abortion, better education (doubt it), and the ban on lead paint have all been thrown out there. That’s right, lead paint is a viable theory as to why violent crime has decreased. But these are all wrong. You know what it is? I mean, you’re already at the end of a column solely dedicated to porn, so I hope you have a decent guess. If you said porn, give yourself a point, because you’re correct. Violent crime is overwhelming committed by young males, usually 15 to 35 or so. As a young male between the ages of 15 and 35, I think I speak for my entire age group when I say that the best way to placate any of us is to ejaculate. That’s right, better than any drug or meditation, expelling your baby gravy will put any man into a temporary state of immobility, followed by a period of satisfaction and a calmed mind. Sure, people were able to jerk it before Internet porn became available, but not like they do now. That would be like saying a musket is just as effective as a mounted .50-caliber machine gun. Same general concept, much greater impact. Porn shows up at the most random times in our life now, and unless we’re in public, our reaction is usually, “Eh, might as well.” Males in my age group aren’t killing and robbing people like they used to, because at any given time, most of them are in their refractory period.

Thanks, porn!

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