The Top 5 Illnesses That Make You Burn A Sick Day

Sick Days

I woke up this morning and I couldn’t open my eye. I went to wipe the sleep out it, and there was just like, way too much of it. That’s when I knew it was Pink Eye. It was an incredibly easy diagnosis, because this is something I am way too prone to – much like an infant and ear infections.

My ability to do a self diagnosis for this is great, because ya boi doesn’t have health insurance and the last time he went to the Urgent Care, it officially put him below the poverty line. (Ya boi is financially irresponsible).

I happen to know a lot about Pink Eye. I know that it’s incredibly contagious until you’ve been on medication for 24 hours and something about poop and a Seth Rogan movie. I called into work and told my boss about my situation, he agreed to let me have the day off.

The next thing I did was call a family member who can legally write a prescription.

Now I’m sitting here, waiting for the prescription to get filled and I’m thinking, “This ain’t so bad. At least my body isn’t aching. Someone please make the sun darker. Thanks.”

This train of thought has lead me down a path.

What is the worst sickness to have that makes you stay home from work? Luckily, I’m here to answer my question.

5. Pink eye

I have to say, as far as being sick goes, this is terrific. My joints feel fine. I’m not lying under a blanket. I haven’t exploded from either stem or stern.

Yes, one of, if not the most important sense is at 50%, but that’s doable. Like, yeah light hurts, and turns out that’s in abundance, but it’s totally cool because I’ll just turn the brightness down on my TV and play GTA V all day.

-Your body feels great.
-Germ-x neutralizes any bad germs.
-Medication works really quickly.

-Half of my most used sense is shitty.
-People will make fun of you for getting poop in your eye.

4. Strep Throat:

This one sucks because it makes you sound like a bitch, and you ain’t no bitch.

You: “Hey Mark, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to make it in today. I’ve got this thing going on in my throat. It’s kinda scratchy and it hurts to swallow.”

Mark (Your boss): “Well we kind of need you in today, it’s the end of the quarter and we need you to finish the audit on the import and export bills of lading.”

You: “Yeah, but it think it might be strep.”

Mark: “Well it sounds like you just have an irritation.”

At this point you’re all like, “Yo. Fuck that. If this was just an irritation, I’d be able to come in. I know my body and I know it’s worse than that.”

You don’t say that though.

You: “See, I’d be able to have someone check down my throat for white spots, but I have no friends to do that for me, because my time spent at work has ruined my relationships. Congratulations on fucking up my life.”

Mark: “You’re fired.

You: “Yep.”

Strep throat has now made you realize your infinite loneliness and it got you fired. That’s a pretty awful sickness.

I guess shooting pain when you swallow sucks too.


-Liquid diets are dope.
-Raspy voices are sexy.
-You could lose some weight.


-Throat blood happens.
-Swallowing after you forgot your throat hurts can break even the strongest of men.
-You lost your job

3. Food Poisoning

This is my favorite sickness. There is no one to blame but yourself for getting this. You chose that shitty restaurant. You chose to not wash your hands. You chose that can of Ravioli that clearly had botulism. IT’S ON YOU.

So come at me all you want and say it was the chef’s fault, but you’re the one who ordered the 5 cheese Mac’n’cheese with full knowledge that you’re lactose intolerant, you butthead. Take some responsibility for your naturally inferior digestive system.

Except for that time that whole cruise ship got infected with the Norovirus. Remember that? That one probably was on the cruise ship company.

-Your body isn’t aching.
-You have a chance to reassess your diet.
-The medicine works very quickly (Ipecac).
-You’ll get the chance to appreciate that new molding you put in on your bathroom. It looks great by the way.

-Hey there’s that meal again.
-You’re going to need to buy a candle or 7.
-Movement is limited.

2. Flu

This is bad. You can’t move, taste, communicate, love, and to top it all off, you have a runny nose. It’s like the deadliest disease of all time, you guys.

Yeah. You read that right. Deadlier than that disease when you go underwater and can’t breathe anymore.

It’s crazy.

-The potential for the sweet release of death.

-You poopin’.
-You pukin’.
-You questioning the religious aspects of your life.
-It just hurts to be alive.

1. Common cold

One time I had a cold for like four months and it sucked really bad. I thought I was dying so I made a whole big deal about it. No one likes me anymore.

So colds suck the most.

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I'm a Stand-Up Comic based out of St. Louis, and one time I was student of the week in middle school.

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