The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week: 11/18

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My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.

• “I’ve singlehandedly done enough things at every food service job I’ve had to get like five restaurants shut down for good.”
• “Cartoon porn is unfair, because at the end of the day, you can’t actually bang Jessica Rabbit.”
• “I should become a boxer since I’ve always wanted to eventually end my career on a bad note and become a politician.”
• 1: “Florida is easily the worst state in the US.”
  2: “True, but it’s hard to beat Mexico.”
  1: “You mean New Mexico?”
  2: “No, Mexico’s basically a shitty state at this point.”
• “The great thing about being poor is that at least no one is stupid enough to kidnap you for ransom.”
• “I could singlehandedly put Olive Garden back into profitability if they’d just agree to stay open 24 hours a day.”
• “My self control around alcohol and questionable women is about as reliable as Derrick Rose’s ankles.”
• “Do you think Gavin Rossdale would still be getting laid on a regular basis if he hadn’t bought Stefani stock early?”
• “Yeah, I jerked off to the ESPN body issue. What of it?”
• “I’ve slept through the pilot of ‘Mad Men’ every time I’ve tried to watch it. I don’t care how good it is, I don’t have that much time for naps.”
• “I spent days and days reading all of the latest rumors of when Josh Gordon might be reinstated for my fantasy team, and I have no idea who my congressman is.”
• “I think the closest thing we have to evidence that aliens have visited earth is that pugs exist.”
• “I really want to slap Jimmy Fallon with a brick. I have no idea why, he seems like a nice dude.”
• “I thought about buying a shotgun for self defense, but I’d rather be murdered in my apartment than have to do more drywall work.”
• “If I’ve learned anything from Grand Theft Auto, it’s that I’m a sociopath when consequences are removed from my life.”
• “I’d probably suck a dick at least once if semen tasted like ranch dressing.”
• 1: “I feel like all of these athlete scandals are secretly being leaked by nerds who are still mad that they didn’t get any tail in high school.”
  2: “You didn’t get any tail in high school either.”
  1: “Yeah, but I’m not fucking bitter about it, am I?”
• “I only found out last year that Britney Spears never did a Playboy spread, and that picture my asshole friend Ricky showed me in seventh grade was just a shitty photoshop.”
• “Fine. I’ll say it. Blue Man Group is stupid.”
• “Inflation is destroying our economy. I went to a pizza place the other day, and those dispensers for the temporary tattoos were up to 75 cents.”
• “Canada could annex both of the Dakotas, and I don’t think anyone would notice.”

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