The Stupidest Things My Friends Have Said In The Last Week: 11/10

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My friends are fantastic. I love them very much, but I swear to God, some of the things that leave their mouths are the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Whether they’re completely out of nowhere, oddly offensive, or just plain stupid, I have enough ridiculous quotes from them to last a lifetime. To give you an idea, these are things they have said just in the last week.

• “I’m offended by how much better people on the internet are at insulting people than me.”
• “You can turn any food into a taco if you try hard enough.”
• “I didn’t realize that Space Jam wasn’t real until I reached an age that I care not to reveal at this moment.”
• “I think Paul Simon only tried so hard because he was jealous of Garfunkel’s hair.”
• “You know how you assume it’ll be super easy to draw something during Pictionary, and then as soon as you attempt it, you realize it’s gonna look fucking terrible, and nothing like the thing you wanted to draw? That’s how I feel every time I get set up with a girl who’s been told great things about me.”
• “How big would birds have to get until they were too big for us to stop them from wiping us all out? Because those fuckers totally would.”
• “I’ve never been able to settle on a good name for my penis. Do you think that’s what she meant by commitment issues?”
• “If her STD test comes back positive, that means she’s either cheating on me, or I need to quit sleeping around so much.”
• “The only thing I trust less than cats is any person who trusts cats.”
• “All of my arguments are bullshit. You give me two adderall and an hour at a computer, and I could come up with a convincing case for eugenics if I felt like it.”
• “Our bathroom smells like a YMCA pool, and not in the good way.”
• “Trust me on this one. I realize that every bet I’ve talked you into this weekend has been a bust, but this one is basically free money.”
• “I’m gonna go on Shark Tank and pitch them on a cologne that smells better than any other cologne, and when they ask where it is, I’ll tell them, ‘That’s what your money is for.’”
• “People always refer to bullshit elective courses as ‘underwater basket weaving,’ but at least you can sell a fucking basket.”
• “Everything is a video game. Fantasy football is a video game for former jocks, politics is a video game for nerds, and Twitter is a video game for narcissists.”
• “There is objectively no good way to tell a woman that her vagina smells weird. You just have to break up with her. That’s your only option.”
• “I’m getting better at self control. I’ve only sent three emails in all caps today.”
• “There’s no problem at a bar that can’t be solved by drinking faster.”
• “Where do you think Obama jerks off? Gotta be in some room that doesn’t have a portrait of a former president staring down in judgment, right?”

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