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I’ve had the idea for this column on my mind for a few weeks now, but for the life of me could not quite figure out how to sit down and encapsulate my thoughts into words that would do it even a fraction of justice. When I woke up this morning, the rain was pouring down outside my window. With the distant sound of thunder, and the sky in a perfect state of greyness, it came to me.
Many of PGP’s readers come to the site in search of a respite from the unceasing stresses that have come to define the “postgrad experience.” In fact, that was the exact reason I first started reading PGP, 4 years ago. My undergraduate frivolities had come to a screeching halt, and I was right back to living with my parents in my small, suffocating, middle-of-nowhere hometown. At the same time, I was recovering from the unexpected disintegration of a serious relationship, and felt like I was failing at every aspect of life. I wasn’t satisfied at work. I wasn’t happy at home. I simply wasn’t happy.
I felt as if I had been tossed into the middle of the ocean with water surrounding me on all sides. I could swim in any direction, but was so paralyzed by my fear of choosing the wrong one, that I was just treading water in place. Slowly sinking.
When I first stumbled across PGP, I found the columns funny, light-hearted, and most importantly – relatable. It was like someone had taken some of my own passing thoughts and turned them into a slapstick comedy of commentary. Much of the content PGP produces still echoes that initial experience. I have had the distinct pleasure of writing some of those goofy commentaries, myself.
But today is a little different. Instead of cracking jokes about getting sauced and throwing up in an Uber, I want to discuss something important. Something really important. Bear with me, if you are so inclined, because this is going to take a little time.
Each morning, I wake up and spend the first 15 or so minutes of my day checking out various social media apps. With sleepy eyes, I slowly, mindlessly, scroll through Instagram. Then Twitter. Then Facebook. I check my email. I watch some Snapchat stories. Then, I queue up a Spotify playlist.
After I get showered and dressed for the day, I place an order on my Starbucks mobile app and swing by the store to pick up an unnecessary cup of overpriced caffeine. This is my routine. I get to campus and sit through a full day of classes. Throughout the day, I interact with people. I socialize. I spend some more time checking out the ‘gram and the Twitterverse. Then, I go to my job and try my best to be productive and useful. By the time I get home – I’m exhausted.
I’m exhausted from being “on” all day. I’m exhausted from a constant barrage of thoughts. My mind runs like a hamster on a spinning wheel, 24/7. I obsessively write in my daily planner “to-do” lists that are comprised of the even the most minuscule of tasks.
– Take clothes to dry cleaners
– Pick up skirt from tailor
– Make credit card payment
– Email XYZ about XYZ
– Pick up prescription from Walgreens
– Grocery store
– Send birthday card
– Laundry
– Vacuum
The list is never-ending. As I complete tasks, I mark them off. And as additional obligations come to mind, I draw another dash. Scribble another task. Another. And another.
Sometimes, these lists help me feel organized. On top of things.
Other times, they hover, each meticulously-scripted letter hanging above my head, acting as a small weight that I must carry until it can finally be marked off, and therefore extinguished from my consciousness.
I’m what would be classified as a “Type-A” personality. I prefer structured environments, with boxes to check, and definitive goals with crystal-clear expectations. I create itineraries for everything. I like to say I enjoy spontaneity – as long as someone’s made a reservation. In short: I’m a control freak.
When I first finished college and entered this amorphous postgrad arena, it was like someone had ripped the reins out of my hands and let the ponies run wild. I didn’t have much of a sense of direction. There were no boxes left to check. The things that had once acted as “goal posts” for my own success were now gone. There were no classes to attend each day at a particular time. No midterms on the calendar. I was in a discombobulating state of mindless, day-to-day existence.
To some degree, I felt helpless. It seemed as if everything – everyone – else, was continuing to grow and evolve right around me. Like I was starring in some sort of Coldplay music video, with hundreds of faceless people and a Subway train, blurred by movement, hustling about their busy days – and me, frozen in place in the center of the scene.
College had given me outlets to manage and numb this icky feeling. They were called Wine Wednesday, SEC football on Saturday, and hungover naps on Sunday. Fraternity mixers, road trips on weekends, delivery pizza and shitty wine on nights of new Breaking Bad episodes. But now, those outlets were gone. In what should have felt like a new and exciting era of life: I didn’t feel excited, I felt scared.
During college, I had chalked this feeling up to homesickness. To stress over school and deadlines. But after all of those things had been put to bed, somehow, I was back in this…rut. In a last-ditch effort to get things back on the right track, really any track at all, I threw myself into applying to law school. If I had something to work toward, just one definitive direction, I was convinced that I could right myself.
This newfound direction did help – for a moment. But at the beginning of my first year of law school, I went through an extremely difficult personal experience that catapulted me right back into the depths. Couple that with the first semester of law school classes in a new city – a new state – and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. I was sleeping all day, and missing important classes. I was hard-pressed to leave my bed unless it was to get raucously drunk with my friends. The crazy train was barreling full-speed ahead, and things were quickly spiraling even further out of my control.
I had reached a breaking point on the day that I attended an annual nonprofit fundraising event with my best friend and current roommate. Desperate to have “some fun,” I drank. And drank. And drank. Multiple cocktails and bottles (yes, I do mean plural) of wine later, I was sobbing into her arms at the hotel bar. I will never forget the way she looked at me with tears in her own eyes, and gently asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I despise asking others for help. If I never ask anyone for anything, then I won’t feel like I owe them something in return. I have worn my own stubborn pride like a badge of honor. I have actively avoided situations in which someone else may have to inconvenience themselves for my benefit. In fact, I consistently throw myself into solving other people’s problems. It gives me a reason to temporarily ignore my own. I thrive on being another person’s support system.
But in this moment, it was time I asked for help.
I had to come to terms with the fact that my desperate need to regain control stemmed directly from the state of my mental health. I was frantically clawing for some semblance of direction, and was so blinded by my own quest for self-sustainability, that I couldn’t even fathom the idea that I might be depressed. Every feeling of inadequacy, every shortfall, I had attributed to some external factor. I was silently suffering and refusing to communicate – even to the most important and loving people in my life – in an attempt to spare them the task of shouldering my burdens, too.
I’m sharing this with you today because I think that many of us, dare I say most of us, may have felt this way at some point. Maybe you feel this way right now. There are some people in my life whom I love dearly that are currently fighting similar battles of their own. Each of us deserves to hear some reassurance that things are going to turn out alright.
I mentioned earlier in the description of my day-to-day, that I spend quite a bit of time perusing social media. There are certainly some perks to this habit (I’ve got a serious Spongebob meme addiction), but there are also many downsides. It can be really disheartening, even hurtful, to scroll through Instagram or Facebook and see everyone else is doing. These avenues for communication have developed into an unspoken competition amongst followers; they are an endless stream of meticulously curated and edited posts, flaunting flawless snapshots of adventures and accomplishments. It breeds envy. It forces a comparison of your own current state of life – the good and the bad – with someone else’s highlight reel.
It’s hard to feel happy and content with your own achievement of making dinner at home three nights this week when Sarah Sororitygirl is vacationing in Aruba with her new husband and blasting your eyeballs with magazine-worthy photos of 5-star, beach-side dining. Suddenly, your three nights of Chrissy Teigen specials pale in comparison.
Navigating these postgrad years is a tough challenge. We’ve got a lot on our plates. There is no manual or YouTube tutorial on how to make sure you’re doing it right. We are trying to avoid the mistakes our parents’ generations may have made, all while setting our own goals for success as high as possible. It’s absurdly stressful, and that stress can manifest in many ways. It could mean anxiety, alcohol-dependence, weight-gain, depression. And because no one wants to admit that things are not as peachy-keen as we make them seem on Facebook, we all just drudge along through the bullshit, constantly and quietly carrying these stresses day after day. Pretending like we’ve got it all together.
I want you to know that it’s okay to not be okay. Not being okay doesn’t mean that you’re useless. It doesn’t mean that you are a failure. It doesn’t mean that you’re never going to be okay.
Maybe you’ve got something going on in your personal life that has resulted in anxiety surrounding work. Maybe your job isn’t bringing you any satisfaction, and you feel trapped in your current position. Maybe you’re going through a difficult break-up, and the adjustment to your “new normal” is taking longer than you thought. I’m here to tell you that these things are okay.
It might seem like you’re the only person in the universe who is going through some shit right now. But you’re not. Everyone else is fighting their own battles, too. But don’t let dissuade you from reaching out for support. The people who care about you want to support you. They want you to succeed. They want you to be happy. Do not be afraid to share your own worries or insecurities with someone you trust. Maybe that means opening up to your best friend, or a parent, maybe even a therapist. Hell, I think everyone could benefit from a therapist, and you can quote me on that.
You know your health is important, and that is why you spend $8 on that fresh-pressed kale concoction from Whole Foods twice a week. Your mental health is important, too, so take some time to get in touch with what you need. It’s okay if you’re not okay. It’s what you decide to do in pursuit of a resolution that truly defines your tenacity. Keep fighting the good fight, pals. There’s strength in solidarity..
Respond
@taylordoestweet
@itsthestovallshow
sexychocolate
Great piece, thanks a lot for writing and publishing. I think a lot of us tend to forget that more often than not, we never actually figure “it” out. And honestly, that’s okay.
There’s a reason that there are millions upon millions of books, movies and songs that describe the positives and negatives of our lives. The human experience is ugly and painful, but also beautiful and incredible. It’s just as hard to accept that live will ebb and flow as it is going through those ebbs and flows.
Social media is utter trash, but if you’re still on it, you also have to remember that things aren’t always what they seem. For all you may know, Sarah Sororitygirl could be on that trip to Aruba in a last ditch effort to save her marriage after she found her husband cheating on her and that five star meal may be just another rock on top of a mountain on credit card debt. But of course, those things won’t result in all those likes that feel oh-so-good as we receive the recognition and acknowledgement that our primal brains crave.
Anyway, not sure where I was going with this, but the older I get (although I have yet to turn 30), the more the point that most adults have no idea what they’re doing with their lives and are just bullshitting through them makes more sense.
Social media is trash but I think the problem is people envying someone who they dont know or only know on the surface. I used to date a girl who some would call an “instagram model” all you see is the pictures, what you dont see is a person who most of the time is by their self staring at pictures of them self (she had 20,000+ pictures of just herself on her phone alone). That changed my opinion on envying what I see on social media, just because they put out the front of a wonderful life doesnt mean they have a life worth envying. I would rather have friends who care about me in reality and have real thoughts. Than be with a narcissist with no independent thoughts or opinions.
Humblebrag about dating an Insta model
Maybe but it was the worst decision I ever made, when you realize that everything someone projects about themself is a complete falsehood, you lose a lot of faith in humanity.
We’ve always been envious, it’s human nature. I just think that social media and technology have amplified it. Think about it – before social media, our daily interactions were basically limited to people that we saw in person that day. Now, I can see what that random dude from freshman English is doing even though I haven’t talked to him in eight years. And that random dude, fully equipped with the instinctual need for social gratification and acknowledgement that has been a staple of our brains for hundreds of thousands of years, will post an awesome picture of his travels to some picturesque place in Europe and reap all the dopamine releases, triggered by likes on his photo indicating social acknowledgement, that he can get.
There have been numerous studies on social media and dopamine and that’s social media in a nutshell: a new ability to trigger the very chemical reactions in our brain that have been triggered by other means for all of human history.
I always rely on the ‘hub for some extra dopamine, likes on ig arent really the same
“Trying to figure things out” is a complete waste of time. There’s no point to anything we do besides what value we give to it. The real meaning to life is giving life meaning, and really that’s the most beautiful thing about it because you can make it mean whatever you want
Now this is quality #content. Thank you.
It’s important to remember that we’re all out here wingin’ it and that Instagram likes do not define your value as a human.
A few things here(in general, not specifically to Taylor)…
– If you think you need help, seek it. Professional help is a real game changer. Most insurances cover at least part of it. My experience mainly involved vocalizing my problems and talking my way to a solution.
– Find something you truly enjoy and do it. When we were younger, it was drinking. “Let’s go drink and do this.” “We are going to pregame this function that doesn’t need to be pregamed.” Now, as adults, we can’t do that (as often). We have to find another escape. Whether it be golf, painting, guitar, or playing chess with the folks in the park, there are millions of options to keep us engaged and excited in melancholy that is our day-to-day lives.
– physically struggle. I was listening to joe rogan (ring that fucking bell) on how beneficial it is to exhaust yourself physically. You learn to embrace the difficulties and challenge yourself. It doesn’t have to be heavy weights or martial arts either. Just something that makes you sweat a bit.
That’s all i’ve got right now. I think this article is great and probably resonates with many readers. Lean when you need to and let’s power through.
This is so beautifully candid, Taylor. Thanks for being so transparent and reminding us that we’re not alone in this quarter-life slump. Keep on keepin’ on.
Nice article. Important read.
I recently sacked up and made a total career change because what I was doing wasn’t cutting it for me (shocker).
The decision came with some pretty serious anxiety, stress, etc more so than just your typical Sunday Scaries. Had to go see somebody to sort it out. A couple months of weekly meetings later, I emerged with some great tools and habits that totally turned my symptoms and outlook on life around. Can’t recommend going and chatting with a professional enough if you even think you need it. In fact, most of us should.
Thank you for opening up Taylor, PGP needs more of this. And you’re totally right that it’s easy to forget that bad situations aren’t permanent and that we have control over our lives, despite feeling trapped.
I think for a lot of people it’s hard to open up to friends because they’re afraid of being look down on for not handling life well. I know my friends have a twisted sense of pity for me because I’m no longer slaving away in corporate America like the rest of them, which aggravates me to no end. As a result I just keep all my shit bottled up and have no one to hear me out when the world is kicking me in the teeth, so I just mask it with humor and pretend like I’m always doing great.
Would give up boozing all fall long if it meant I had at least one person to help me get through the tough times with sincerity.
Good Read. I think people just need to realize that there is no road map for life and that you are often the architect of your own happiness. If you want high self esteem, then do esteemable things. I ran my first marathon last year and the training and eventual finishing of the marathon gave me a notch up in the confidence department for sure. You want to have a hot girlfriend? Go talk to the hot girl at the bar. You will not just one day wake up and be happier in your life.
I think BoJack Horseman said it best
“Here’s the secret to being happy…just pretend to be happy. After awhile, you forget you are pretending.”
I hate HATE hate the cliche “Ugh law school was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.” No it isn’t, you just sound like an entitled prick. What I DID hate about law school was that I didn’t feel very prepared for the stress that being a lawyer actually entails, especially litigation. My day consists of going to work, feeling like an idiot for 10-12 hours a day, billing, going home completely exhausted, falling asleep and doing it all over again. I’ve sacrificed hobbies, friends, and physical and mental health essentially for a nice paycheck. There’s a reason high paying jobs suck. This is a very very difficult profession. I cannot tell you how much of a leg up you already have by ASKING for the help and having a plan. Good luck! You’re not alone.
Thank you for this article. After I graduated it took me a few years of chaos to find a path I wanted to peruse. Now years later I’m struggling to find and keep up with new goals to chase.
As The Science Guy said, the ebbs and flows can be difficult. I’ve learned to unplug from work and social media during the weekend. It usually means getting on the boat nice and early in the morning and fishing during a sunrise. But once it finally cools down in FL it will also include hiking, kayaking, and camping all weekend also. That’s where I’ve found it easiest to meditate and plan the next move.
And that was my rambling 2 cents.