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Arrival
In an ideal world you’d take Friday off and pull into town around 6 or 7 o’clock. This leaves plenty of time to drop shit off at your hotel, and more importantly, enjoy a good meal (never underestimate the importance of Friday dinner). Odds are you’re already exhausted from dicking around during another 40-hour workweek, and you don’t want to make the rookie mistake of charging the bar on an empty stomach. Pace yourself or you may end up with a pre-midnight blackout and a lot of explaining to do on Saturday.
If you do take Friday off, you’re going to be tempted to make a Thursday night entrance into town. Avoid doing this. Look, it sounds like a great idea: three nights in a row plugged back in to the false reality that is the collegiate matrix. However, it never ends well. Thursday night is widely known to induce bedwetting, and it’s easy to burn yourself out. You’ll probably be one of the few alumni in town at that point, so you’ll be forced to try and keep up with 20 year olds who take part in this type of debauchery on a regular basis. You’re not a kid anymore. You could get hurt. There won’t be anyone there to act as your moral compass. Studies have shown that you’re three times as likely to end up in jail on an alcohol related offense if you arrive on Thursday. Although no one will come out and say it, people will begin to tire of your mid-twenties meltdown, and you’re gonna have a bad time.
Summary: Don’t be 3-night guy because you’ll go to jail and people will hate you.
“So, what are you doing these days?”
It’s inevitable. You’re going to hear this question no less than 25 times throughout the weekend. No matter what your profession is, there’s a great chance that you’ll find yourself in this type of situation.
Sample Conversation: Finance
Person 1: “What are you doing now?”
You: “I’m doing finance.”
Person 1: “Hell yeah, like stocks and shit?”
You: “Yeah, just like that.” – walk away
Sample Conversation: Law School
Person 1: “Great to see you. Where are you working?”
You: “I’m in law school.”
Person 1: “That’s awesome. What kind of law are you wanting to do?”
You: (anxiety sets in) “I have no clue, and even if I did, it probably wouldn’t make sense to you.”
There’s really no right way to handle these. Any answer outside of “go to hell” invites follow up questions that you won’t feel like answering. Your best bet is to have a canned answer prepared that provides way too much information. Something like, “Well I’m doing accounting for a midstream oil and gas company incorporated under the laws of Delaware, but our principal office is in Fort Worth. We have active operations in 7 states…” If executed properly, you’ll ensure that this person and anyone within a 5-foot radius will not be asking any more questions about what you do now.
Game Day Morning
You’re feeling miserable. Despite closing down the bar and a sketchy appearance at a late-night, you’re awake at 8am. Your BAC is twice the legal limit and you’re drinking tap water out of a paper cup that says Embassy Suites. You should try to do breakfast with other alumni in the same position. Avoid doing anything with the guy who went home early so he’d be fully rested for Saturday. Fuck that guy and his prudent, responsible actions. Your best bet is Mexican food because even if the sight of a plate full of huevos rancheros makes you nauseous, there’s always chips and salsa to pick at for an hour.
Tailgate
Crack a beer as soon as you park. Not only does this give the appearance that you’re looking to rage, it’s also a way to gauge how the taste/smell of alcohol is going to affect you. Maybe you’ll be fine and pick up where you left off at 3am, but there’s always the chance that you’ll start sweating and dry heaving uncontrollably. You don’t want to risk being the old guy projectile vomiting at tailgate. It’ll kill the already small chance you had at landing a coed, and you’ll forever be known as the old fuck who blows chunks on game day. Also, you should probably stick to beer or risk not even making the game. Depending on how shitty your team is, this can actually be a good move. Someone always gives it hell at tailgate and ends up back at the hotel passed out for 4 hours. This can work in your favor because you’re probably going to need a nap at some point, but you’ll be running the risk of being wide awake and ready to hit the bars at 7 while everyone else is struggling to maintain consciousness.
Post Game Bar
This is by far the biggest shitshow of the weekend. There’s going to be a lot of people that have no business, both legally and socially, being in public. You’ll probably fall into this category. You need to consider how far your Sunday drive home is, and what the absolute latest time you can leave town is. There are few things worse than sitting down in the shower and barely being able to function before a 4-hour drive home. You may be tempted to go all out, do something weird, and leave it all on the field since it’s your last night in town. If you’re not driving back and don’t mind being the dickhead who sleeps the entire trip home, go for it. If not, limit yourself to avoid what will likely be a 48-hour hangover, and a Sunday night filled with regret and anxiety.
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TheChampionsTour
TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .
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