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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a comedian and one of the “Bros” at HeTexted.com. HeTexted is a site where girls can get advice on the texts they receive from guys. Every Thursday on PostGradProblems Jared will answer one of the questions from his HeTexted mailbag. These are real questions from real girls visiting the site each day. If you have any of your own dating questions go to www.HeTexted.com and ask Jared or any of the other Bros that fit your particular situation.
Q: I met a guy on Tinder in June and we immediately hit it off. We started talking all the time but he was in town visiting family and we were only able to hang out a few times. We continued to talk through the summer and cooled down into the Fall as I started a new job and was very busy. We started talking again a ton around Christmas time and ended up meeting up when he was back in the town. We hooked up a few times, had the time of our lives and since then we talk almost every day. We talk about meeting up again, our cities are a two hour flight from one another. We talk about everything from work, to family, travel etc. He is my ideal guy and always brings up things like “our houses, travel together, etc.” Do I continue to talk to this guy? He has brought up visiting me but I don’t want to push that.
A: The long distance relationship is like taking a half court shot to win $1 million: the winners are highly publicized, shown on SportsCenter, and seemingly pop up every week. We never talk about the larger group who doesn’t have it so easy. You know, the losers. You never see a highlight of the shot that missed wide left, just like you never hear about the guy who spent his savings on visiting the girl who saw him as just a friend. Or the missed calls on a Saturday night that caused a girl’s imagination to run wild. Or the guy who seemed pretty good at first then suddenly had very little to say after answering those “How’s the day going?” texts. I get asked every week about long distance relationships and it feels like every girl saw that Drew Barrymore movie and thought, “She’s not that hot and she made it work, so this should be easy.” The problem is, it’s not easy.
There’s only one way the long distance relationship works. It’s when a relationship has already started and one party has to move to a new place. I’ve had this happen to two different friends who are now engaged. They made it work because they envisioned the distance between them ending, and they were past the point of wondering why the “…” was sitting there on the text screen overnight. I just made those two relationships sound so easy, but I’m sure there was more stress and uncertainty than they let on. But all we hear is, “Yeah, we had to do long distance for a while and now we’re engaged.” Girls will rarely talk to one another about the fears they had, or the temptations they encountered. They’ll just pop that ring out as their friends bow down to their newest victor.
The type of long distance relationship described in the question is the type I get asked about the most. It’s the type of relationship that starts as a chance encounter and turns into a magical weekend. It ends with a kiss while grinding (in the “he likes me” way). I’ve been in this kind of relationship, and I can tell you the guy doesn’t feel the same way. He enjoyed the dancing and the kissing, but he really wanted to have sex. He will keep texting as much as he can because you’re a penny stock. For the 15 minutes a week he puts in, it could pay off big the next time you guys end up in the same town. He knows you’re close enough to climax with but far enough away that he can sleep in his own bed on a Sunday night. And if you two do meet up, he will seem great. He’ll do dinner and listen to that story and watch that movie instead of going out the second night. That’s not because he’s great, it’s because there’s a time limit. There’s only so long this adventure can last, and at least he’s also having some great “we only have so much time together” sex. You just got the “best of” episode of your hypothetical relationship. But that’s not reality. That’s not how good relationships work.
I understand why a girl tries to make the “chance encounter long distance” guy work. It’s all about confidence. It feels great to have this guy or girl out there who likes you and sends you texts about how he “can’t wait to see you this weekend.” It’s a great lie to tell yourself instead of the reality of being single. My advice to this girl–and anyone else trying to make the “chance encounter long distance” guy work–is that you’re better off not doing anything. Let him make the effort, make the plan, and make the time to get to know you at his own expense. He probably won’t, and even if he does, you won’t have a realistic relationship that has ups, downs, and farts. Spend your energy finding guys in your area and maybe you can have an “I like you” grind session with someone who can turn into something more.
Jared Freid is a comedian and HeTexted “Bro” based in NYC. You can ask him dating questions at HeTexted.com or find him on Twitter (@JTrain56) for weekly columns, podcasts, and videos.
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JTrain
Jared Freid is a NYC based comedian. He has been featured on Tru TV's "NFL Full Contact" and more recently on MTV's "Failosophy." He is also a writer for The Huffington Post, The Fan Hub, Weekly World News, TotalFratMove, BroBible, and HeTexted. If you're not the reading type, Jared created the "Frat Dude Goes To" series where he travels the country interviewing "Bros" at wild events like the Carolina Cup and the AVN Awards. Follow him on twitter @JTrain56 for all of his weekly content.
@JTrain56
Plain and simple, the guy is bored during the week so he spends a cumulative 30 minutes TEXTING, not talking, to the girl. It’s groundwork for the grind sessions he has whenever he comes back home. I guarantee the guy is not seeing this exchange as a relationship, but merely a convenient arrangement.
I think I said this better.
I’ll never understand why women love the long distance guy relationship idea. If you live in a big city, there are thousands/millions of men that you can talk to. Long distance is hard and is pretty much impossible for anyone who is starting things off new rather than an established relationship that turns into long distance. Just have fun and look within your city.
That’s my Dr. Phil moment for the week.
Because it’s a distraction as to why they’re single in a town of thousands/millions.
Generally hating where you live and the vast majority of the populous where you live tends to do the trick.
Sounds like a generally unhappy person.
Usually JTrain is spot on, but I don’t know about this one. I’ve seen it work, and if he takes the time to legitimately talk to you every day and visit you, give it a shot. If I put in that kind of effort it’s not “just because I want to get laid” (even though that’s a great bonus of the visit) but because I enjoy talking to you on a personal level. At worst, you have a few great weekends of visiting each other before it turns into nothing or someone makes a move and it goes further. Just don’t play the exclusive card too soon or else you are probably going to get burned.
It’s good if you plan on moving to the same city within a year. I tried it for a year, it was tough in the beginning, great in the middle and then completely fell apart after about nine months.
Yeah, of course that happens when someone lives down the street, too. I’ll add a caveat to my position above though, one of the parties does have to be open to moving in the next year or two or have the bank roll to facilitate monthly visits. If those conditions aren’t met it’s probably a fools errand.
Brian is right, there has to be a plan. And you can’t plan with someone you’re still trying to get to know.
Relationships are 2-way streets right? Then why put all the responsibility on the guy to “…make the effort, make the plan, and make the time to get to know you at his own expense.” If the girl takes his advice – not do anything, then my assumption is she moved on.
I agree it has to be a two way street. The advice to the girl is based on an initial first meeting that went great. She isn’t close enough to play the game that sees how much effort he will put in. This option lets her move on from something that probably won’t happen.
Thank god. If I have to hear one more girl up on her high horse about being “in a relationship” with someone halfway across the country, instead of facing the fact that she is mostly single, I’m going to go ape shit.