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There’s one event every little girl dreams of from the moment she waltzes out of the womb. She envisions her dress, her friends by her side, and all eyes in the vicinity on her. She pictures the photo ops, the food, and the painfully tacky matching outfits that she forces her girls to wear.
I’m talking, of course, about The Bachelorette Party.
Now, this might come as a surprise to literally every single person who reads this site, but I am, in fact, getting married this October. After holding my boyfriend hostage for years and years and years, I finally broke him down enough to the point that he agreed to marry me. Ladies, if you ever want to get your man to propose, just lock him in the basement for months on end until he cracks and develops Stockholm syndrome and agrees to spend the rest of his miserable days with you. Works like a charm.
But, oddly enough, this piece isn’t about my #relationship. Shocking, I know. No, this is about the event that’s much more important than my wedding, the future birth of my first child, and the day that Mindy Kaling liked my tweet. This is about my bachelorette party. Because it turns out, choosing a place to have the best party of your life isn’t, exactly, easy.
The quaint, charming city in Georgia has recently become a go-to destination for the less-ballsy of brides. These are the girls who always say no to shots, strippers, and wearing slutty outfits. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Do you, girl. But, while it’s becoming a popular place for a weekend of brunch, a few overpriced cocktails that don’t result in throwing up in an Uber, and lots “bless your hearts,” it’s not really a place to get rowdy.
Pros: Open containers welcome, fantastic ‘gram opportunities, and delicious, diet-ruining food.
Cons: I mean, it’s Savannah, Georgia. There’s nothing really wrong with it, but other than the ability to drink on the street (something we’d do anywhere with a little creativity), it’s just kind of…lame? Don’t get me wrong, it’s cute. But is cute really the vibe you wanna give for what is supposed to be the raunchiest weekend of your life? Plus, there’s a 0% chance you’ll get out of there without doing a Pedal Pub.
A Cruise (most likely to Mexico)
For the people who don’t actually want to go somewhere but still want to shell out way more money than anyone in their party can afford, a cruise is always a well-loved option. Odds are, everyone will wear captain hats and shirts that say, “last sail before the veil,” and everyone will hope the ship pulls a Titanic before they get back to Wifi and get tagged in the embarrassing pictures.
Pros: It’s all-inclusive-ish (if you do the alcohol package, which you will), no one can casually back out at the last minute and leave the party organizer with their portion of the bill, and you’ll be like little celebrities on the ship as you realize just how small a giant boat can feel.
Cons: You’re stuck on a boat for 72+ hours with people who tend to be insufferable when drunk, it takes a few years to get on and off the fucking boat, and at least one person is going to get seasick. Plus, have you ever stayed in an inside cabin?
Country music, cowboy hats, and that sweet southern charm? I’d literally rather die. Still, I know it’s a popular location and lots of people love it and blah blah blah, so, I’m putting it on the list. Still, I want everyone to know, it is last in my heart.
Pros: Alcohol? I’m sure there’s alcohol there.
Cons: Everything else.
As someone who has lived in Austin for the past 3.5 years (AKA all of her post-grad life), it’s easy to see why this is quickly becoming one of the best bach destinations. With lots of bar areas, tons of painted murals for validation-hungry gals to take pictures in front of, and an absurd amount of tacos, it truly has something for everyone. Plus, going along with the whole “keep Austin weird” schtick, there’s unique stuff to do like a nude beach, tubing down the river, or hitting up one of the biggest hill countries in the nation and getting wine-drunk. Still, asking everyone to go to Texas for your party is like, well, asking everyone to go to Texas for your party. Womp wompppp
Pros: Great bar scene, fantastic food, and tons of outdoor shit to do.
Cons: No open containers allowed, it doesn’t sound as cool as Vegas, and you’ll absolutely gain 5+ pounds over the weekend.
Key West, FL
A classic locale when it comes to overpriced parties, Key West is always a solid choice. With a tropical vibe, plenty of over-priced tourist shops, and painfully commercial bars like Señior Frogs, you’ll feel like you shelled out $1,000+ just to drink a piña colada out of a cup that says “Fat Tuesday.” Which is, you know, exactly what you’re doing.
Pros: Tons of bars, strip clubs, and lots of bad decisions to be made.
Cons: Helloooo overpriced flights, lodging, and drinks. So long, credit score. ‘Twas fun while we were coasting along in the “good” range. Also, can’t we at least get some leeway on the whole open-container thing here? I mean, seriously. We’re in the Keys.
If I go to one more bachelorette party in Miami, I’m going to trade my TSA precheck to be on the “no-fly” list just so I have a solid excuse not to go. While I get the allure of Miami, it’s easily one of the most overplayed locations, and for good reason. With great beaches, a tropical vibe, and lots of vanity drugs, it’s a given why girls who are still on their parents’ insurance pack their oversized totes and jet here, first class.
Pros: You’ll get tons of pictures at Wynwood Walls to boost your aesthetic, a solid tan just by being in the Florida sun for ten minutes, and if you’re with a group of girls, restaurant owners on South Beach will literally beg you to come to their establishments with the promise of free drinks and shots. It’s not a bad life.
Cons: While the drink specials are solid as a girl, everything else is hella expensive. From the food to the lodging to the activities, expect to pay way more than you do at home for the basics. And if you’re a guy? Forget about even going here. If you do manage to get into a club (which is not only hard to do but very expensive), you’ll have to shell out hundreds, if not thousands, to have a somewhat decent time. And even then, you’re just standing awkwardly in a club with horrible EDM music blasting until 4 A.M.
Honestly, from the moment we learned what Las Vegas even was, almost all of us dream of having our last hurrahs (ugh, hate that term) there. Between the endless buffets, alcohol, shows, drugs, clubs, pool parties, hotels, shopping, celebrities, and attractions, it’s literally hard to have a bad time. Well, unless you’re ugly, poor, and hate staying up late. Which is, of course, most of us.
Pros: If you’re a group of hot girls and have an Instagram following, you’ll get invited to parties and get free drinks. That’s just how it goes. Plus, nothing says, “I have absolutely no regard for money and will probably snort something off of someone else’s body parts” quite like a bachelorette party in Vegas. Plus, this is basically the land of the open container. Soak that shit up.
Cons: I mean, not only is this place expensive, cliché, and all around soul-crushing, but you literally have to do mind-altering substances to have a good time. Plus, in addition to all of the money you’ll spend to get there and while you’re there, one of the main activities is literally throwing your money away in the casino. So sure, you’ll have a hell of a time, but you’ll be paying for it for a good year. Like, actually.
Between the lack of an open container law, the plethora of strip clubs, and the abundance of absinthe, there’s literally nothing not to love about NOLA. It has the charm of Savannah (as well as the ability to carry your drinks around), with the unique vibe of Austin, as well as the party energy of Vegas.
Pros: I mean, if we’re being honest, New Orleans is perfect. You can stock up on cheap alcohol and carry it with you, and the drink prices aren’t even that bad. There’s tons to do, and the food. The food is fan-fucking-tastic. Whether you want to be face-first in titties, get tangled up in some voodoo shit, or just eat really well, literally everyone in the group will be happy.
Cons: Easily the most cliché local, it’s like the more laid-back version of Vegas with a lot more hauntings. While everyone will have a blast, you won’t be able to wander Bourbon without seeing at least 3 other bachelor or bachelorette parties. If you’re fine with sharing the spotlight, the drink specials will absolutely make up for it. You just have to decide if the unavoidable and absolutely crippling hangover is worth it.
Which it is. Obviously..