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Recently, I’ve been hearing a lot about “the friend zone.” Guys complaining about girls. Girls complaining about guys. And I’ll be honest with you, I just don’t buy it. Do people get rejected? Absolutely. It’s happened to me many a time. Do people sometimes end up as friends after said rejection? Sure. It might be awkward at first, but with good communication, it’s possible to navigate. But the alleged friend zone? A place where you’re friends but want more? It just doesn’t exist.
When you meet someone new, there are only two relationship possibilities between you guys. A romantic/sexual relationship, or a platonic/friendly relationship. That’s it. Just the two. How you end up getting to either one of those, however, is where things get tricky. If you want to be more than friends, the easiest and most direct way is to simply inform them of that.
You don’t have to say “I want to be more than friends,” word-for-word. That’s pretty weird. But you do have to make your intentions known. Ask them on a date. Get to know them and (respectfully) make a move. The point is, they have to know what you want. Sure, that’s scary. Being rejected is most people’s number one fear. But it’s when you don’t make your intentions known that the waters get murky, and frankly, pretty creepy. That’s when people claim their “in the friend zone.”
The most common friend zone situation that I hear about is when a guy, for fear of rejection, has decided to “befriend” the object of his affection instead of being honest with her about his feelings. I put the word “befriend” in quotes because it’s not a friendship. If you’re acting friendly and nice to a girl for the only purpose of having a relationship with them, you’re not being a friend. You’re being two-faced.
The person you’re conning truly believes you’re their friend, and when they inevitably find out you’re not, they’re going to feel hurt and betrayed. They’re going to feel like they lost a friend, and worst of all, that that friendship never existed to begin with. That shit hurts. If you truly cared about their feelings, you wouldn’t lie to them about being friends. But if you believe in the friend zone, you don’t care. You’re simply putting up a façade under the false notion that it would turn into something more.
But why would it? Why would a tactic that involves lying and deceit make someone want to date you? “But I’m nice to them!” I hear thousands of creeps yell at their computers worldwide. “Unlike other assholes, I actually respect them. I’m nice! I’M NICE!” Are you though? Is pretending to be someone’s friend when you’re not… nice? Is getting upset when your feelings aren’t reciprocated or even acknowledged (because you never made them clear) nice? Is trying to guilt them into feeling romantically towards you being respectful? No. No, it’s not. It’s creepy, and it’s sad, and it’s mean. The opposite of nice.
I know this may be hard to swallow. Hell, a lot of people that are otherwise smart, kind, empathetic people believe in the friend zone. Desire turns everyone crazy sometimes. So to help you understand, I’ll run through some common “friend zone” scenarios.
“She always tells her friends how great of a boyfriend I’d be, so she must want to date me. I’m so close to breaking out of the friend zone.”
Nope. What you’ve got there is what’s known as a friend, and a pretty damn good one at that. She’s out there slanging game for you to her friends and being a kick-ass wingwoman. Guess what? People don’t wingman people they want to date. They date them.
“He always complains about his girlfriend, but whenever I say that he should date me instead, he just laughs and says he doesn’t want to ruin our friendship. Why does he keep friend zoning me?”
So, you asked him to date you and he literally says he only wants to be friends? Congrats, you’re his friend! Guess what friends do? Complain about their relationships. He might just want to vent, he might want advice, but what he doesn’t want is to date you. He’s not “friend zoning you,” he’s telling you he’s not interested. You’re the one deciding to be a fake friend.
“I’m always nice to her, but she ignores me to go after douchebags. Why can’t she see that I’d treat her better? Nice guys always get stuck in the friend zone.”
My dude. Not only are you not nice as per the reasons discussed above, but even if you are, that doesn’t mean anything. Being “nice” is the bare minimum requirement for a relationship. If that’s your top selling point, no wonder she doesn’t want to date you. Be nice and _____. Smart. Driven. Good looking. In shape. Kind. Tall. Good in bed. Wealthy. Talented. Any of the above and plenty more. Sure, the guys she’s dating my seem to be douchebags, or may even be douchebags, but that just means they have other qualities that she’s attracted to. Better yourself and you’ll have a better chance of finding a girl. Probably not this one though.
I’m not trying to hate everyone complaining of being “stuck in the friend zone,” but rather giving advice on finding actual meaningful relationships. As much as direct communication is scary, give it a shot. Ask that person out. And if they say no, don’t be friends unless you actually want to be friends. It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to them, and it will always turn into a toxic relationship leaving both of you drained. If 2018 is the year of shooting your shot, then it should also be the year of accepting when you brick that shot. Don’t start yelling at the ref about how the shot deserved to go in. Does that make sense? I got lost in the metaphor. Whatever, you get the point. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
I got out of the friend zone.
Met curly haired redhead on OKCupid.
Chatted up curly haired redhead.
She said she wanted to be friends, didn’t know what she wanted.
A few weeks go by along with a failed date elsewhere.
A week after the failed date I’m on POF and see same curly haired redhead.
Take a change and hit her up, she apologized for blowing me off.
Curly haired redhead is now my wife.
You were never in the friend zone, Dave. You were in the bone zone all along. Well done.
So you shot your shot, missed, caught your rebound, shot again and scored. Well done. Too many people never take their shot in the first place or are too scared to shoot again.
Dave pulling a Moses Malone, stuffing the stat sheet just to do it!
I took my shot at the beginning of the year. Just killing time now until the rebound bounces my way
Upvote Dave my dude!
You backed off and then came back later.
The problem arises when people hang around after being rejected or not even asking the other person out at all, and just become creepy desperate orbiters.
Being able to demonstrate that you’re interested, but willing to move on shows you have value. Good job Dave.
Believe me, I had been there before, and I was scared to do it, but did it and it paid off.
“Curly haired redhead” is a strange name for a person. Do you always call her by her middle name?
I didn’t really want to give her name…well fuck it, her name’s Megan.
sounds fake, but big if true.
Nah, it’s true.
even the best batters only bat like .350. Way to show us how it’s done, Dave
Get you some Dave!
Dave, you are the hero we didn’t know we needed.
*sniff* thanks
I’d say you weren’t in the friend zone because you accepted the first failed shot and kept moving forward, then tried again when it seemed appropriate. WAY TO GO DAVE
But now you run the risk of making ginger children.
Our kids are going to bark, meow and fly. I’m planning on getting snipped this year.
@bostonmax
“Dating from the Friend Zone”
I’m pretty sure a PhD student could do their dissertation on BMax’s articles and argue/defend it
“Being “nice” is the bare minimum requirement for a relationship“
Bingo, a car needs 4 wheels, but not everything with 4 wheels is a car.
“As much as direct communication is scary, give it a shot. Ask that person out. And if they say no, don’t be friends unless you actually want to be friends.”
This, don’t wait around expecting something that will never happen to happen and then get angry about it when it doesn’t, move on.
There’s a secret five word phrase to get out of the friend zone , “Let daddy make it moist”, I won’t make any promises as to where you end up but you won’t be friends anymore.
“But I’m nice” is the worst argument, and you explained why perfectly
Thank you. Yes to all of this.
And why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? If they aren’t interested, realize it’s (possibly) their loss and move on to someone who wants you too.
I have never understood this. The second someone says they aren’t interested I’m like “cool!” and move on.
It’s hard when the other person seems to be interested, stringing you along with little indications and never quite on telling you they’re not interested.
Let me rephrase. I don’t understand why people pursue people who don’t enthusiastically pursue them in return.
Also, communication and being upfront about your feelings is key.
Did you ask if they were interested? That’s typically a pretty quick way to clear up confusion.
If I make out with a girl on the first date, do I have to ask? Because that seemed to be a fairly clear indication.
So if I make out with a chick on the dance floor, she’s 100% into me, right?
Yes until the alcohol wears off.
If anyone wants to see some real cringe-worthy nice guy stuff, checked out the Nice Guys subreddit.
Does anything exist? Do we truly exist, guys? Like, I have no fucking clue anymore. For all we know, we could be living in a Sims video game for degenerate aliens in galactic jail
Whichever alien is controlling me really sucks at the sims
lol
Great stuff here, being honest and straight up with people will get you the answer very quickly