The Four Types of Guys You’re Bound To See At Your Rooftop Pool This Summer

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I’m not sure when or where the trend of rooftop pools became a thing, but I’m glad as hell that it did. What’s better than day-drinking while overlooking your city from the comfort of a pool you don’t have to maintain? Not only do you, the resident, get unfettered access to a great view and a cushion to soften the blow of your likely overpriced rent, but you also get to show off your lavish lifestyle to your peasant friends.

However, the watering hole is sure to bring a plethora of males seeking a mate. Here are some of the guys you’ll see at your (or your friends’) rooftop pool this summer:

The Lifters
You might not notice them at first, ironically, but this is because they’ll be huddled off to the side gazing over the pool area and its visitors like a weird, self-absorbed lion overlooking the plains. And I don’t mean the guy that has a little definition and goes to the gym occasionally, I’m talking about the guy who eats 12 meals a day and listens to bands with names like Five Finger Death Punch. They don’t talk much, and when they do, it’s among themselves, likely about set/rep ranges and how they crushed their lift earlier. If you’re lucky, you’ll see them sipping on a light beer, but chances are they won’t be drinking because it will be catastrophic to their macros and BCAAs and whatever. They probably won’t hang around long either after they decide that they’ve allowed you to look at them for long enough and have better things to attend to (watching YouTube videos of other guys).

The Postgrads
Although the general age range for almost all of these pool-goers will be about 24-30, these guys are fresh out of the frat house. They’ve brought their Yeti, their cheap beer, their inflatable beer pong table, their Costas, and their Bluetooth speakers. They’ll probably shotgun once they get there just to “get things going” and will do a few more periodically throughout the day. They’ll claim to know all the best bars within a 20-mile radius and will go about their day treating the pool like they treated the one at their off-campus apartments.

The Creeps
These guys travel in a smaller pack than the postgrads, and they’re pushing the later end of their 20s. You’re not really sure if they live in the building or know what they do, but you’re definitely sure you don’t want to associate with them. This group of guys will appear out of nowhere in their PacSun boardshorts and — you guessed it — creepy facial hair i.e. the goatee, soul patch, neard, the list goes on. They’ll immediately try to befriend the postgrads because, in their immature minds, they never pass up an opportunity to “crush some brews with some bros.” You’ll also be able to spot at least one pointing his GoPro around like he’s looking for cell service in 2006 while the rest dance way too aggressively to mainstream hip-hop.

The Old Guy
This guy is a lone wolf. He’s been up at the pool since before anyone remembers getting there and will most likely still be there when you leave. He’s a deep shade of orange with messy hair and has an air about him that says “If I don’t have skin cancer by now, dammit I never will.” He won’t say much and will generally mind his own business, and you’ll only see him walking around in his shorter-than-appropriate trunks when he needs a refill. He might have some wisdom that he’s picked up along his journey — that, or he might make some inappropriate remarks; the gamble is yours to take.

All in all, rooftop pools are a great place to spend the weekend forgetting about that expense report you forgot to turn in before you left on Friday. While there’s bound to be a diverse group of people in attendance each time, these core groups of males will almost always be around at some point during the day. Just make sure to keep your distance and enjoy the show..

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