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There’s something about the heels of Monday morning that force you to tell yourself that you’re not going out during the upcoming weekend. That “something” is the influx of beers you put in your system the weekend before mixed in with the overflow of anxiety you felt all Sunday while dreading going back to work. For every time I’ve told myself that I’m staying in on a Friday night, there’s another time where I’ve talked myself into going out because I’m, well, a mental midget who loves giving in to peer pressure.
Sticking to your guns becomes more difficult in the face of adversity, which is why you must understand the five stages of staying in on the weekend if you actually want to stay in on the weekend.
Denial
When assessing any of the stages, one must not always apply the emotions to themselves. As with any situation involving heavy drinking, one person’s actions affect the squad as a whole. You’re only as strong as your weakest link, so once you send out that initial “Nah, I think I’m staying in this weekend, boys” text, it’s game over. Well, for a moment.
They won’t believe that you’re actually staying in. They won’t admit to themselves that you don’t just want to go to the same bar at the same time and talk to the same girls while drinking the same beer and listen to the same jukebox. Yeah, that’s tight and all, but variety is the spice of life and it’s natural human instinct to evolve. Plus, you got too drunk there last weekend and you can’t stand facing the bartender again so you’re hoping a weekend absence is long enough to make him forget that he cut you off.
Despite your friend’s thinking you’re pissing down their boots and telling them it’s rain, you tell yourself that you are staying in. Their denial is temporary.
Anger
At 3 o’clock on Friday, that’s when it hits – “Alright, what’re we doing tonight?”
They’ve forgotten denied your request to stay in for the night and have assumed that you’ll be joining in. But after you explain to them that you are, in fact, staying in, you must prepare for the anger that ensues.
“Dude, are you seriously not going out?”
“Seriously, what are you gaining by staying in?”
“What are you even going to do tonight?”
They’re not mad because of the decision you’ve made in the effort of inspiring your own personal growth; they’re mad because they want to drain some beers with you. It’s a compliment more than anything, and it’s something you have to endure. No one said staying in was going to be easy, and getting beyond the anger stage is one of the hardest parts.
Bargaining
“Okay,” they’ll begin, “Why don’t you just come out tonight and stay in tomorrow? Will it really be that big of a deal?”
And they’re right. It isn’t that big of a deal. But at this point, you’ve put up such a fight that you have no other choice but to be defiant. But while they bargain with you, your inner demons come out and you begin bargaining with yourself. You look over to the kitchen and see that unopened bottle of red. “One glass with dinner,” you tell yourself. You forget that the entire point of staying in is so you can feel responsible and refreshed come Sunday, and slow-dancing your way into drinking an entire bottle of wine while a Netflix documentary plays in the background isn’t the way to do that. At least, that’s what you tell yourself.
Depression
Suddenly, the excitement of the pre-going out text messages dies down. What you decided to go all-in on for the night all of the sudden doesn’t seem as exciting or relaxing as you’d hoped. You’re about one glass of pinot away from pressing your forehead against your glass door and watching the raindrops trickle while Alanis plays in the background wondering what could’ve been had you just. gone. out. You check your phone and it’s still early enough to go out. A quick reapplication of deodorant, some extra pomade in the hair, finish that last glass of wine? You’d be gold. But, you’re already in. Alone. With nothing to do. While everyone else is out. Laughing. Having fun.
Fuck.
Acceptance
What was once your Everest is now just silence in the solitude of your own apartment. You know what you’ve done. And though it isn’t one of the stages of staying in, you experience regret. Was avoiding having a few beers about it really worth the anguish it’s caused? You had a tough week of work and you’ve got some forgettin’ to do. You reach down and grab your phone only to see what you dread: zero texts. Again.
With a hesitation pulsating through your hand, you enter your passcode (*6-9-6-9*) and click the iMessage icon on your home row. You reluctantly enter your group text and begin typing.
“You guys still out?”
Because yet again, despite your efforts to stay in for the weekend, you’ve accepted that you have to go out. Plus, that jukebox ain’t gonna feed itself. .
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Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Stage 1: Not have enough friends to form a squad
Stage 2: Stay in all weekend
Stage 3: Put up a binge worthy show on Netflix
Stage 4: Google “how the fuck do I make friends?”
Stage 5: Drink
Stage 6: Drink again
Stage 7: Drink some more
Stage 8: Get too depressed to read Google results
Stage 9: Pass out on couch at 9 PM with show still rolling in the background
via GIPHY
Jesus, this was too real.
Thinking about picking up a case of shit beer, a bag of ice, and Uncharted 4 on Friday. After setting the cooler by the couch and adding the ingredients, I probably won’t leave the house either.
Moving to a new place and not knowing any one and not having the courage to go to the bar alone. Stays in all weekend.
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10/10 for the (*6-9-6-9*)
Sup?
People endorse me for “69 Jokes” on LinkedIn all the time.
Robin, in about 100% positive I used to work with you.
IG link is in bio. Unless you went to Ohio U or work in Cincinnati, I’m sorry to disappoint
Shoutout SW OH
There seems to be a fair amount of us around here actually
Get outta here you Dayton scum.
Just kidding, cmon down and bring some Warped Wing.
You act like I want to be here
Rise up Redhawks
If you do actually manage to stay in there’s one more stage: Smarm – where you immediately text all your boys at 10am that you already got to the gym and feel great
If you stay in and don’t flaunt that you did something productive early as hell on Saturday, you completely wasted staying in.
what is the definition of productive?
Cranking your goo gun for an hour? That’s how I start every Saturday.
*everyday
You know me too well.
I think it’s important to note that this fully stops happening at like, 27. By then, unless you’re a real degenerate, or there’s something important going on, everyone is too tired to go hard on a Friday night.
Also, the weekends I tell myself I’m going to stay in end up with me cripplingly hung over on Sunday. Actual productive weekends seem to occur by happenstance. You look at your phone and it’s 10:30, and all of your married friends haven’t responded for hours. That turns into; “Welp, guess I’ll smoke this joint and fall asleep 40 minutes later…” Leaving you refreshed to use your weekend day.
Last Friday night with the wife: “We’re only going out to dinner with (insert name of other couple). I don’t want to be hungover tomorrow.” Cut to 1:30 am and we’re waiting for the Uber.
The last time this really bit me in the ass was last fall. Go to dinner with three buddies. Two of said buddies go home at like 10. Me and other buddy end up at a burrito place at 3am. Cut to; Saturday morning 8 am, me puking in the shower while I get ready for the NIU game.
Those are always the worst because you each think the other guy wants to get shitfaced, even if he doesn’t, so you’re both just trying to keep up with the other.
I find I have the opposite debate with myself; I plan on going out, but end up staying in. PGP.
Sounds about right. Monday thru Thursday not drinking this weekend. Hits 5pm Friday. Where is happy hour? Out till 3am….
Stay in on Friday, Netflix to your heart’s desire, get bored, go out on Saturday and immediately regret that decision when you wake on Sunday, remedy with day-long brunch that turns into shooting the shit with the bartender and drinking pints while hating your fantasy team.
I do the opposite. Go out hard on Fridays because you can sleep in and be lazy on Saturday. Watch lots of football but be too gross from the night before to drink properly. Wake up on Sunday fresh-faced and ready to tackle some shit before the scaries start.
If I can find the energy for Friday that sounds like the ticket
Hell yeah
You’ll hit a record low once you realize you’re sitting at home on a Friday night playing The Sims, then sending your Sim to a party on a Friday night.
I’m staying in tonight for the first time in months after back to back to back Vegas, tailgating, Vegas, and game day tomorrow. I couldn’t be more thrilled.