The Five Saddest Meals A Human Being Can Make After A Long Day At Work

The Five Saddest Meals A Human Being Can Make After A Long Day At Work

There are nights when cooking is absolutely out of the question. It’s usually a Monday or Tuesday when the following meals will be considered. Sometimes it’s because you’re flat broke after rent, utilities, and one too many trips to the liquor store the weekend prior. Other times it’s because you’re so run down, so defeated, that there is no energy left to spend on deciding what to eat.

These are the meals we’ve all had when delivery is, for whatever reason, absolutely out of the question and the pantry/refrigerator is more barren than your grandmother’s vagina.

Mac and Cheese

There is zero nutritional value in a box of mac and cheese. If you weren’t such a lazy piece of shit, you’d cook a couple of chicken breasts while you wait for your water to boil but we all know that’s not happening. Walk into any house or apartment in America and you can find a blue box of Kraft macaroni and cheese buried in a dark crevice of the least trafficked cabinet in the kitchen. You’re going to hate yourself after finishing an entire box of mac and cheese, but at this point, you’re just piling on. You hated yourself before you ate this shitty excuse for a dinner. One more box of mac and cheese isn’t the end of the world.

Uncle Ben’s Rice Pilaf (Microwave)

This is one very small step above macaroni and cheese. It costs about the same as some blue box Kraft, the only difference is it probably comes with some sort of seasoning that is off the fucking charts in sodium. Again, you could cook of couple of chicken breasts while you wait for the microwave to hit quad zero’s but that’s asking too much. If you weren’t depressed before eating this for dinner, you will be after your roommate sees you (a fully-grown human being) spooning rice from that microwavable package because there weren’t any clean bowls readily available.

Peanut Butter and Jelly

PB & J is a fun snack before bed. It’s not that much fun when you’re eating for dinner, though. Any time you’ve chosen to eat a PB & J for dinner, there’s not going to be milk in the house. You’re probably going to have to use the butts of the bread and since you don’t want to dirty up another plate you’ll use a napkin or paper towel to place your PB and J down when you want to use your hands to take a sip of the tap water you’ve just poured yourself to accompany said sandwich. No, your bread isn’t wet, those are tears. You’re crying into your sandwich and that’s okay. I’d be upset if I was eating this for dinner, too.


I’ve asked this question multiple times and no one seems to be able to answer it. Why do three sunny side up eggs fill me up more so than three scrambled eggs do? It’s the same three eggs, and yet I find myself starving after three scrambies. Three sunny side up eggs and I’m ready to run through a brick wall. This is probably the best of the worst, if you catch my drift. You can do a lot with three eggs. Safe bet is to go three eggs over easy with toast (if you’ve got it) and then toss that suspect cottage cheese on the plate next to the eggs as a side dish. Also, Tabasco sauce. Kick the heat up to hide the fact that you’re eating fucking eggs for dinner. Trick your taste buds into thinking it’s something better than what it is.

Whatever Your Roommate Has On Their Side Of The Pantry

Look, I know this isn’t noble. It’s not like anyone feels good about stealing their roomies food. But sometimes it has to be done and you’re a liar if you say you haven’t ever done this. Chances are this is your last resort. Tired, broke, and hungry is no way to go through life, and if you can cross “hungry” off of that list you’re now only tired and broke. Steal a KIND bar. Take a few bites out of that leftover stir fry your roommate made for his girlfriend the night before. He won’t notice if a bowls worth is gone. Basically what I’m telling you is that if you choose this option, you’ve got to make sure it’s stuff that they won’t notice is gone. It’s all fair game, of course, just be careful not to get caught. It’s scummy and kind of fucked up, but when you’re in a scenario where you can’t afford takeout and there isn’t much in the way of groceries you have to do what you have to do to survive.

Your last option is to just not eat dinner. If you choose this option your best bet is just get drunk and try again tomorrow. No judgment here. I mean when you really think about it, it’s kind of ridiculous to ask anyone to cook themselves food every single night of the week after work.

Image via Unsplash

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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