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We’re the generation of fad diets and trendy workouts. For every kettle-bell-swinging podcast host who convinces you to buy elk meat and overpriced supplements, there’s a soft blogger who will tout the benefits of going paleo for thirty days before he goes back to drinking heavy beers and eating cold sandwiches with extra mayo. The moment someone opens their mouth and begins uttering the dreaded words, “Have you tried,” you know you’re going to hear an onslaught of dietary routines, supplements, and workouts that you’ll never try (and probably never care about).
But I urge you to think differently about the workout that’s about to change your life. I want you to take your cufflinks out and set them safely in their box that rests on your desk next to your marble globe that you mindlessly spin during conference calls where you mute yourself. On your way home from your corner office tonight, I want you to pick up your car phone and call your local Equinox and demand a membership. If your car phone is out of commission and you can’t immediately call them, just simply walk in with $500 in cash and pay your $300 initiation fee along with your first month. Then go buy a new car phone.
While the workout is referenced on Urban Dictionary, you truly have to attribute the workout to its predecessors. The executives that came before the internet. The robe-wearing, oversized cell phone-carrying, slicked back hip shooters who defined the yuppie generation.
Don’t follow this process lightly. Know that it will change your outlook on life and the way you view your personal fitness. Put away the free weights and protein powders “society” will tell you are the only way to build a rock solid foundation.
Introducing, The Executive Workout™.
Step 1. The Dry Sauna
You’re still full from lunch hibachi, but after throwing your keys to the receptionist at the gym, walk directly into the locker room that’s going to act as your home for the entirety of the workout. Take off every piece of clothing you own and show off the tan you got in St. Barts over holiday. You’re only to wear two things throughout this entire grind session – a towel and your Tag Heuer. If you want to mix in a plush terrycloth robe, do so during the colder months.
Traditionalists will recommend you sit in the dry sauna for fifteen minutes. I’d suggest you sit until you either 1. feel like you’re going to pass out or 2. pass out and require someone to drag you out of the sauna. When you get the blood flowing, that’s when you start to feel the life start seeping back into your veins. You had a long night of Zimas and White Zins, so know that you may not last as long as you thought upon entering.
The detoxing and heart benefits of the dry sauna are second only to the alpha attitude you put off when everyone sees your hang down after you toss your towel on the ground. You want those capillaries to be dilated as fuck.
Step 2. The Jacuzzi
When you feel the scorching hot water grace your bed of chest hair, that’s when you know it’s working. Your stress and anxiety levels will suddenly plummet to Bermudian levels of relaxation. When Roy Jacuzzi invented the jacuzzi in 1968, he had visions of drinking bergamot mocktails on The Amalfi Coast. Little did he know that he’d be lowering blood pressure, improving your already-tanned skin, and helping you sleep at night in your 1,000+ thread count sheets.
Prior to reaping the benefits, make sure to tilt your head back while extending your arms to the sides of the jacuzzi making the rest of the Executive Workouters™ feel uncomfortable as possible. Ask them if they know how much your watch costs. Slap anyone younger than you on the back with an exposed palm prior to getting in. Piss in it the moment your pelvis touches the water.
Step 3. Steam Room
After toweling off, you’re on the final stretch. While a eucalyptus steam room is suggested, it’s not required. Don’t be afraid to complain publicly about your gym’s lack of eucalyptus on the bulletin board hanging in the entrance. Collect signatures; threaten legal action.
The steam room is where you truly test yourself against the elements. Sure, you’ll be eliminating toxins and boosting your immune system, but it’s not about that as much as it’s about showing everyone that you can outlast them. Some people turn treadmills and stationary bicycles into contests of endurance against other gym-goers, but they’re not living the Executive Workout™ life. Feel the steam infiltrate your lungs and decongest your polluted lungs and nasal passages. It’s full steam ahead, and you need to spend 15 to 20 minutes breathing deeply showing everyone that you’re built to last.
Immediately upon finishing your workout, towel off again. You’re to use no less than three towels throughout this entire workout, but don’t be afraid to up it to five once you become more experienced. Leave the locker room with your hair slicked back from the moisture and a facial cream applied lightly to your face.
Look deeply into the receptionist’s eyes and ask for your the keys to your town car before asking for a cucumber water despite the fact that 1. she does not have access to cucumbers 2. she does not have access to a sink and 3. it’s not in her job description to serve customers food and/or drink.
For you are now an executive. .
Image via YouTube
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Executive Workout, aka the TriBathalon
This was clever.
Big fan. Been doing this since ’09. Which was back when closing deals was done to prove you were a man, not so you can have a new story on Instagram. God, I miss those days.
People instagram their deal closures…? Christ
At what point in this process do I blatantly fart to show dominance? Just continuously?
Walk on the treadmill with a fat stogie in your mouth
Step 4: Sex with the Mrs in the shower back home
*mistress
Congrats on the Step 4
Shower sex is highly overrated.
It’s the workout America wants, and the one it needs.
Shots fired at Joe Rogan in that first paragraph? Don’t you dare.
Immediately followed by shots at myself, so I feel like I can get away with it.
PS. Dave and I are looking for an elk meat hookup if anyone has one.
Did you know that if you go with a supima cotton with lower thread count it’s actually softer than a 1,000 count Egyptian cotton? Don’t thank me, thank Lisa at Bed Bath & Beyond for that helpful information
how about you just kill a damn elk
I……I actually have one of those.
How about a badger guy? Cuz j’boy wants a fur bomber hat
Go halvies with me on my Colorado Elk tag this year.
I got a guy
You’re in Texas, Will. Eat like a Texan; venison.
At some point isn’t there a racquetball game where you crush a minion?
Racquetball: The true sport of Executives.
Squash:The true sport of Executives since racquetball became too available to the masses
This hits home on so many levels. If there’s one thing I wouldn’t trade in life it’s my Equinox membership.
There is nothing like pouring an entire bottle of Eucalyptus in the steam room after a long day at the office and watching people cough their lungs out until they finally leave and I am left alone to sweat out my sins.
I actually workout though, this is just the finishing touch. Weekends.. different story. Hungover? Hit the steam room. Nose clogged from having fun? Hit the steam room.
Oh, and I leave each day smelling like Grapefruit Bliss, shout out to Kiehls
This one is definitely getting picked up by Bodybuilding.com