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So you’re finally back home for Christmas. You’re tired from the drive or flight home but the thought of staying in tonight and watching CNN with your mom and dad is enough to make you vomit. You’re back to where it all started – the childhood bedroom filled with Michael Jordan posters and your framed varsity basketball jersey.
So maybe you hit up the old high school crew. Perhaps you’re close enough to the college you took five years to graduate from to get together with a few people who still live on campus.
Either way, you’re going out tonight. The crew you’re with really isn’t of much importance.
What is important is who you’re going to hook up with, and I’ve got a few dos and don’ts for you as you navigate the treacherous waters that are the days before and immediately following Christmas. You’re only at home for a few days, maybe a week if you’ve got the PTO to spare. Use your time wisely, and, as much as it pains me to say this overused phrase, shoot your shot.
DO
Get on your choice of Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, or The League. I’m not saying you’re going to right swipe and match with someone from high school who was way out of your league, but I’m not saying that won’t happen either. There’s a good chance you have the upper hand on that girl or guy now. They’re probably a teacher who has been off for two weeks already anyway.
DON’T
Bring anyone back to your parents’ house. This is a perfect opportunity for you to get some valuable away game experience. No one is ever on their “A” game at a stranger’s place, but why should you be the one who has to worry about your mom waking up and hearing the two of you bumping uglies two rooms over? Let the other party worry about that.
If by some divine miracle you end up with someone at the end of the night, I think it’s worth it to at least try and convince them that you should go back to their place. Worst case? You get caught by their mom and thrown out. Best case? You get your rocks off and can Uber back to your own parents’ house and the warmth of your childhood bed around 4:00 a.m.
DO
Hit up at least one local hole-in-the-wall. If you’re striking out on Bumble and you’re with the OG crew from high school, there’s a very good chance that a girl or guy from your graduating class either bartends or serves at the townie bar.
Maybe you were close with said bartender in high school and can strike up a conversation. Maybe you treated him/her poorly and they’ll want nothing to do with you. But there’s no harm in trying. The plus side of taking home a bartender or server is that they more than likely have their own place. No nagging parents to worry about, and you still get that away game experience I’ve been talking about.
DON’T
Text an ex wishing them Merry Christmas. I’ve read columns before where people refer to texting an old flame on a major holiday as a “pro move,” but I can assure you it is not. I know because I’ve done this. It’s lazy, and they’ll be able to smell the desperation through their iPhone.
Wishing an ex a “Merry Christmas!” or “Thinking of you. Hope you’re having a good Christmas. Give your family my best” is a waste of energy. It’s kind of like hoping that Johnny Manziel is going to get another shot in the NFL. It’s nice to think about, but it’s not going to happen. Give it up. To quote Forgetting Sarah Marshall, “It’s like The Sopranos. IT’S OVER. Find a new show.”
DO
Have some fun out there. You don’t get to see the people who you’ll be going out with at home all of the time. Take that shot of tequila you usually respectfully decline. Hit on the townie bartender. Pull up for that 40-foot three point prayer. It’s the holidays, and that means everyone is in the giving spirit. Even that girl from high school who never gave you the time of day eight years ago. Your attitude determines your altitude..
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jduda@grandex.co
On one of the slowest business weeks of the year Duda churns out 5 articles. One of the most efficient clutch performances of all time if you ask me.
Definitely, been a great week of content even without TGDAG and all of us who had to be in the office this week thank PGP
It’s Duda’s version of MJ’s flu game.. just rising to the occasion.
Cheers and Merry Christmas, Johnny D
Just bring back Engaging in the Chase already.
Christmas break?
War. On. Christmas.
That’s on me.
‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ doesn’t get referenced enough. Thank you for that.
What if your ex texts you Merry Christmas though?
If she texts you then game on
Happened to me last year right after me and my other ex just broke up (I think she still stalked me.) Needless to say I agreed to go get beers (I don’t know why) and things went from there. They went downhill fast, but they went.
TLDR: 100% go for it.
Guys, you can cut through all of this type of stuff if you just man handle your ham candles and never have to worry about another person’s feelings or what other dirty meat sticks have been shoved up their person pockets…also, you can go fuck yourself if you try to act like you aren’t going to fuck yourself lol
I only summer sausage, otherwise I get meat sweats.
What if you hookup with your hometown ex and she’s a PGP reader?