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I have a confession to make: I don’t understand the world of dating. I don’t get it. Something about two people agreeing to meld their lives together sends chills up my spine. Maybe I am emotionally unavailable, as almost every woman with whom I have ever had a “fling” has told me. Maybe my mom did do a number on me, or I haven’t matured past the twelfth-grade level. No matter where my primordial fear of dating comes from, relationships scare the hell out of me.
I’m not sure why “going steady” and myself have never clicked. I’m moving into my mid-20s and I’m still at a loss about how two human beings decide to only see one another. It’s not even the exclusive sex arrangement that confuses me — it’s the concept of adapting parts of your life to fit the agenda and personality of another separate individual. Dating changes everything. Suddenly, where you want to attend graduate school becomes a therapist-mediated discussion, and a new job offer requires a resolution signed in blood by both parties. Why? Why do people do this to themselves? The young professional age is supposed to be the era of freedom.
Even among those closest to me, I am an anomaly. I recently became the last single male in the entirety of my friend group, a position that apparently does not come with a subscription to Margarita Monthly. My friends’ response to my situation is one of predictable concern. They treat me like the newly-minted Ted Mosby of the crew, constantly offering reassuring epithets like “the right one is out there” or “you will find her when you are meant to.” But what they don’t understand is that I’m not combing eHarmony for connections or checking my phone for Tinder push notifications, I just don’t subscribe to the endless cycle of romantic involvement.
Now this is not to say that I won’t one day settle down and start a family with someone I care about, I just think it’s far too early in the game to romanticize the prototypical suburban existence. Is it selfish that at this point in my life I only want to be concerned with myself? I don’t want to have to discuss my goals with another person or check with someone else before I make a big purchase. I’m not ready for the dating dichotomy.
I understand that not everyone shares my point of view. There are people out there who thrive in a relationship and prefer being taken to being single. I’m not criticizing those people; what works for me is certainly not guaranteed to work for anyone else. But why is there such an emphasis to be in a relationship as a young adult? My friends’ girlfriends have made it their mission to find someone that “would be perfect” for me, as if my being single is a disease that they have a civic duty to cure. My response to their attempts to set me up is usually a questionable crack about being in a relationship with whiskey followed by a shrug of the shoulders and a casual “I don’t date.” I can read the absolute confusion on their faces; I think for them my desire to remain single is a completely foreign concept. It’s like I’m clinically insane for wanting to go it alone for a while.
I don’t know what it is, but third wheel life just doesn’t bother me. I have no reservations about hanging out with the dog while everyone sits on the couch and discusses whatever TV show their Wednesday night routine revolves around. I don’t think that my lack of a committed relationship makes me any less mature than everyone else. After all, I’m not exactly watching cartoons in my underwear. But even if it does, is that a bad thing? We as a society seem to view single people as inherently less grown up than those in a relationship, as if the longer the inevitable pairing with another person is put off, the more likely I am to run down the street after an ice cream truck (are ice cream trucks still a thing or has Amazon pushed them out?). Either way, I relish that I can leave the house for any reason without explaining where I’m going or when I’ll return.
As I get older, my opinion on partnering-up may change, and I might find myself wishing for the comfort of having something solid romantically to fall back on as I walk through life. But for now, I am content with my biggest relationship – the one involving the four liters of coffee it takes to get through the average workday. Dating and I just aren’t good for one another right now. It’s not so much dating, it’s more me, I promise.
Now if you will excuse me, I have an appointment with last week’s Silicon Valley. .
Respond
Business Class Bachelor
Undisputed World Heavy Weight Runner-up in Bloody Mary Mixing (I refuse to garnish drinks with celery). Application to The Admirals Lounge pending.
@Busines_Class
It’s funny when you’re viewed by people in relationships as immature but then you hang out with them and watch them bicker at each other like sub-par intelligence children over arbitrary shit like who left the cereal box open in the pantry and then you get to watch as years of condescension, passive aggressive notions, and psychological oppression from one of the two just explodes in a shouting match until one of them leaves and goes and gets drunk and tries to fill the void by sleeping with someone else to make a stance and send a message.
I just sit in the corner and laugh and enjoy my favorite drinking game called Drink The Beer where you always win because once you finish, you get rewarded with another beer that’s not gonna cheat on you or ask you to go halvsies on a house you can’t afford in a terrible market. And then you fall asleep faster and don’t have to deal with life and stuff.
This is why I look forward to your comments.
Todd?
I’m pretty sure I fit into a weird middle ground in my friends. They’re either getting married and having kids or super single and sleeping around with college girls. I don’t really fall into either of those camps. I go on dates sometimes but I feel like my relationship status is “Yeah, but have you seen the nice shit I can buy when I’m not spending it on girls?” And then I fire up my projector and watch Silicon Valley on a 92″ screen with 7.1 surround sound.
That makes two of us in the weird middle ground.
Now kith.
“Yeah, but have you seen the nice shit I can buy when I’m not spending it on girls?” < I second this motion. dumping The Girl was the equivalent of a 35% raise.
Are you saying I’m not mature because I sit and watch south park in my boxers as my normal Wednesday routine?
Do you not have a job?
Wednesday night kiddo.
“it’s the concept of adapting parts of your life to fit the agenda and personality of another separate individual”…exactly, I just can’t do that right now.
Preach. I find that so many people our age get into relationships because they feel like it’s the next logical step for them in their lives. I was one of them.
It took a shitty break up a few months back to realize that we need to find ourselves first before settling down…lest our marriage and subsequent divorce becomes a post on Reddit.
I’m a firm believer that life is better after a nuclear meltdown of a breakup. Gives some perspective and makes you much more picky about who you would let in your front door let alone who you’d be willing to risk taking half of your stuff after the Draymond dick kick of a wedding
With the title being what it is, I assumed this would be about you getting too old or past your prime. Turns out you never played the game. I guess the point is, good article, bad title tsk tsk
As a 24 year old, recent law school graduate, 95% of my friends who worked immediately after undergrad are either 1) married, 2) in long-term relationships, or 3) constantly dating / yearning for “the one”. I honestly just can’t wrap my head around sharing my bed, my time, and (some of) my money with some one long-term right now. There are just selfish acts that those of us in our Mid-20’s should be act upon without being looked at like we’re sad, lonely, lost puppies with no hope.
The only reason I like dating is because I can’t close in one night. PGP.
I think the hardest thing for “in a relationship friends” to understand is that one can be truly, genuinely happy without being in a relationship. I understand all the happiness (that’s debatable) yours has brought you and you want me to find the same joy, and I am, just on my own.
so basically you can’t have a girlfriend because you want to watch Silicon Valley? that makes sense…
Wut
You seem like the type of guy who doesn’t fix his divots and ball marks on the course and also lies on his scorecard to make himself feel more like a man. You also seem like the type of guy that doesn’t tip the bag drop kid and then goes home to furiously masterbate to your illusioned success.
So you read the first and last sentences huh?