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After a long week of work, going out to a restaurant that I’ve never been to before is an unrivaled activity. For me, the lead up to a 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. dinner reservation is on par with a tailgate before a massive college football game.
The act of securing a reservation at hip new restaurant is almost as good as eating the meal. I get butterflies in my stomach getting that reminder e-mail from OpenTable on a Friday afternoon about my rezzy in four hours. But there is a slight problem. “Problem” may actually be too strong of a word. It’s a choice more than it is a problem, but it’s something that I don’t think a lot of people understand.
“You start. I’m not quite ready, yet.”
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve muttered this phrase while dining out, and this will sound strange to a lot of people out there, but I’m proud of it.
Technology is fun, and even though I’m rocking an iPhone 5, I love to stay up on the latest and greatest stuff. One would think that, even with a prehistoric iPhone, I could get online at some point before dinner and peruse the menu. You would be wrong in this instance, though.
The alternative to scrambling and ordering last at your table is, of course, to be a menubator. Now I’m usually on board with trends, but menubating is not something that I can abide by.
There are some instances where I choose to be an old soul, and heading into a restaurant blind is one of them. Like my father and his father before him, I like to live my life on the edge at a new dining establishment. Like Dom Toretto said in The Fast and the Furious – “I live my life one menu at a time.”
There’s a masochistic side of me that enjoys that ticking time bomb that is the waiter going around the table and asking for everyone’s order. In this moment, just before the waiter gets to me and asks what I’ll be having, I feel like Jordan in Game 6 against the Utah Jazz.
Down 1 point, the buzzer about to sound, me hitting that jump shot from the free throw line, or in this case, trying to decide between the stone crab or a filet, and eventually settling on the stone crab.
The waiter, with an encouraging, “Ooooh, excellent choice, sir,” before taking my menu last and walking away. It’s all just fantastic. Menubating is cheating, and in this day and age I think there’s something to be said for a person like me who isn’t willing to take the shortcuts. I get ten, fifteen minutes tops at an upscale restaurant to decide what I want to eat. Menubating takes the fun out of it, and I think it’s a bit of mindfuck.
You know how in college there was such a thing as overstudying? Menubating is kind of like that. You think you know the material, but eventually you’re looking at the same stuff over and over again and you begin to confuse yourself.
Looking at a menu a few hours beforehand gives you too many options. And let us be honest for moment – too many options is not always a good thing. I’ll argue that the menubator is in a worse spot than I am when he or she sits down.
Options, options, options. They’ve been studying all day and now all of a sudden in crunch time they’ve got no idea what they’re doing. The menu might as well be in Mandarin. But me? I get a few minutes. I narrow the choices down to two or three things and then pull the trigger.
Some people would probably call me a bad boy. A pioneer in a time where everyone is menubating. I just like to think that when it comes to ordering off of a menu, I’m taking the road less traveled, and that my friends, has made all the difference..
Image via Unsplash
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jduda@grandex.co
I misread “menubating” in the title and thought this article was going to go in a VERY different direction
I *attempt* to not menubate, unless it’s a first date. First dates I know exactly what I’m getting before I walk in the door
I thought “Menubate” was a collab of ‘masturbate’ + ‘menopause’, and I had a lot of questions.
Oh my god hardcore Yelpers are the absolute worst
John, if I may, give you two of my favorite spots. For great steak, III Forks. For a smaller, cozier feel and fantastic home-made Italian check out Eduardo’s Enoteca. Lastly, if you can swing a Michelin starred location, Roister opened last year, has 1 star and is awesome.
I menubate almost every single day. 10:30AM conference call? I’m menubating for lunch, even for something as boring as Panera, or the little Thai place near my office.
Mid afternoon on a Thursday or Friday? I’m reading brunch menus looking for a unique take on eggs benny.
I would say during a given week at the office, I’m looking at menus for about 2 hours.
Menus should be small and simple. theres no reason to have a lot of entres, the average chef cant do 50+ dishes well and theres no way ingredients stay fresh when one person orders the Saffron Tuna tartare per week. Whenever I get handed a tome of a menu its an automatic 2 stars off my yelp review
you’re catching some heat here, but I’ll somewhat agree with your take. That being said, I do love being back home and hitting a classic 24-hour NJ diner with a menu that seems to span the entire culinary universe (yet I always end up getting breakfast food…)
I agree with you both. Nothing better like a Diner menu, however, I do agree that most restaurants have a couple signature things and the rest is filler.
Pointless.
Cheer up, it’s Thursday
Guess you’re right 1/4 the time. I am gonna have a good next few days.
That’s the spirit, kiddo