The Case For Showing Up To Work Drunk

A Case For Showing Up To Work Drunk

The title may come off as a bit misleading. No, I’m not promoting full blown alcoholism. Please don’t use this article as an excuse to down a pint of Dimitri gin on your next train ride to work. My argument is that we’ve all had a time where we’ve gotten a little carried away on a work night. You wake up the next morning and attempt to determine if you’re good to drive in that day over a long, much needed hot shower. Your drunk ass finally makes it into the office a solid 45 minutes past your usual arrival time. Then you have to spend the better part of 2-3 hours choking down coffee and speaking as little as possible so you can hide your inebriation.

I argue that it is wrong. Not the showing up to work drunk scenario, but rather, having to spend the morning hiding it. Why can’t we all loosen up a bit and let the occasional drunken morning slide. The arguments can be quite compelling.

The Work/Life Balance

It’s fairly well established that the forty-hour work week is a relic – banished to the annals of history. With the increased prevalence of smartphones, I’m on call 24/7 almost all year round. I’m in sales so if I hear back from the prospect I cold called 19 times, I’m sure as shit going to follow up. My point is – much of my free time away from the office is infringed upon by work related activities. It only seems fair that the inverse of that should be true. If my girlfriend has to put up with my constant monitoring of email – my boss can put up with one day a week of me lying at my desk with my head down for the first few hours.

A Touch of Passion

When I was in college I witnessed my 280 pound, 6’5” roommate “Gump” break down on a front porch and profess his love for kittens. If alcohol can make him be that passionate about cat babies, surely it can at least take the edge off of my daily work load. If alcohol has the power to make me passionate about brilliant ideas such as abolishing time zones and hitting on solid 4s at the bars, it’s surely enough to make me care about my job. God knows sobriety isn’t doing me any favors.

The WOW Factor

I’m one to keep an open mind. For all I know, I’m much better at doing my job drunk than I am sober. I’m certainly not any good at it now. If I’m going to make cold calls all day, who’s to say that taking the edge off isn’t a good idea? I’ve accomplished amazing things while drunk, negotiated my way into a small number of bedrooms, exhibited bouts of superhuman strength, and just two weeks ago I sat down and at 3 big macs while under the influence. Even if it doesn’t make me better, at least then I’d have a reasonable excuse as to why I’m spending so much time in the bathroom each day.

There it is, a reasonably worded argument as to why I should be allowed to show up drunk to work. It looks great on paper, so here’s to hoping it’ll work in my next quarterly review. Cheers.

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Smiling and dialing, I'm the Icky Woods of cold calls.

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