The Best Bottled Waters On The Market And What They Say About You

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Despite a shift towards seltzer water in the past two years or so, regular-ass bottled water is still a very hot commodity for people all over the world. It’s a status symbol for sure, and I can’t think of a better way for you to spend the next ten minutes than reading a classification of bottled waters on the marketplace today. Let’s get into it.

6. Dasani

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Fucking ew. Garbage water. Dasani shouldn’t even be considered water because it doesn’t even taste like water. Dasani has this weirdly distinct flavoring that makes it unfit for my taste buds. I don’t know what Coca-Cola does to make this shit but they need to go back to the drawing board. The fact that people drink Dasani is astounding, and you should be ashamed of yourself if you count yourself as one of their customers.

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FIJI water is the popular girl in high school. Much like the girl, FIJI’s bottle design is aesthetically pleasing and for (better or worse) exudes class. There’s no denying that FIJI is a classy broad. The biggest problem with the popular girl in high school, as well as FIJI water, is that they’re out of reach. Unattainable for the average joe like you and I.

The price point of a FIJI is just so astronomically high that I can’t rank it any higher than number five. FIJI water is a classic panic purchase inside of an airport. If you close your eyes and think really hard about it, you never see anyone with a bottle of FIJI water outside of an airport. Just doesn’t happen. It’s too expensive, and the only reason you buy it at the airport is because you’re rushing to get to the gate and you don’t want to wait for the beverage cart to come out when you’re boarded.

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4. Smart Water

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There are people who claim that Smart water has a bunch of electrolytes in it and that this brand is the only brand of bottled that anyone with a brain should be drinking. I call bullshit. Just because it says it on the label doesn’t mean it’s actually true.

You’re trying to tell me that a bottle of Smart Water has more electrolytes and is better for me than Gatorade? Ehhhh, okay, I can buy that. But Smart Water doesn’t have any delicious flavors. Smart Water doesn’t have any sugar in it. You know what does? Gatorade. The only reason I put Smart Water at number four is because I opt for this brand when, you guessed it, I’m at the airport and I’m looking for a bottle of water before I get on the plane.

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3. Ozarka/Nestle Purelife

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This one is going to fly over a lot of peoples heads because Ozarka can only be found in the south. This is why I put Nestle Purelife in the same ranking spot. They are virtually interchangeable bottled waters. They have similar bottle designs and the pricepoint is right around the same as well.

Simply put, Ozarka and Purelife are decent choices for bottled water when you’re trying to just get some water in you. Ozarka and Purelife get no style points. Their labels are god awful, but if you’re running a half marathon and someone hands you a bottle of either of these brands it’s going to get the job done. Reliable. There are no frills but both safe bets when you just need your thirst quenched. It goes without saying, but these Nestle Purelife bottles also will always remind me of late high school/early college when I would pour cheap vodka into an empty and head to a house party. Good times.

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2. Evian

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When I think bottled water, my mind immediately goes to Evian. Meg Ryan cracking open an ice-cold bottle after she finally hooks up with Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally. It is the gold standard of bottled water.

I know that it seems hypocritical of me to rank a snobbish water like Evian this high when I have FIJI at number five but Evian is French. FIJI is not. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Perrier is the best sparkling water on the market. I have to stick with my French brethren and put Evian near the top of this list. It exudes class in a way that FIJI and Smart Water could only dream of. If you’re looking to falsely identify as a rich socialite, buy a bottle of Evian and run errands with a pair of shades on. It’s a lot of fun.

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Tap water for the motherfucking win. If you thought I was going to rank some money grubbing corporation that produces bottled water as my number one you’re a fool. Nine times out of ten I will opt for some ice cold tap water before I reach for a bottled one.

Tap water, at least in the places where I have lived in my life, has always been bomb. Plenty of minerals in tap water and I have a 48-ounce Nalgene. Last time I checked, bottled water did not come in 48-ounce bottles. Now, if you’re one of those people who grew up on well water or still drinks well water, please disregard the number one ranking and start crushing Evian. Nothing worse than a glass of well water when you’re not expecting it.

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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