The Best Answers From The Brunch Crew Applications

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A few hours had gone by and I had yet to receive an email. “Do people just hate brunch, or do they hate me?” I asked myself while fervently refreshing my email. But then, slowly, one-by-one, they started coming in.

When it was all said and done, more people applied to be on my brunch crew than applied to be a part of my platonic group of fall girl friends, which makes sense because this wasn’t gender-specific.

But without getting too far into it and taking away from the scorching answers I received, here are the best of the best.

What are your names, ages, location, and male/female ratio of the group?

Frankly, I was surprised. I thought I’d get a bunch of guy-exclusive groups and girl-exclusive groups. The truth of it? Got a ton of applications from couples, which I respect the hell out of. A couple that brunches together stays together.

I got everything from couples to singles to people that actually live in Austin just looking to meet new people, which just screams “Will, organize a brunch event.” But like I said, all personal information was to remain confidential so I’m going to leave it at that a bunch of 21 to 35-year-olds really wanna get after it.

What kind of vibe are you looking for?

I believe in brunch as a very fluid event. There are celebratory brunches, hangover-curing brunches, conciliatory brunches, even adventurous brunches. A good brunch connoisseur should be fluid to his brunch vibe for the situation. Generally, though, I just want a good quality-to-price ratio with a drink special that allows me to guiltlessly avoid the terrifying combination of Saturday regret and Sunday scaries right at their typical cross-section, and I don’t want anyone who ruins that experience for me by injecting any unnecessary judgment or personal problems into that whole situation. Brunch, like Sunday church, must be kept sacred.

We’re looking for an Ocean’s 11 type crew. Everybody’s got a role: crazy bar story from the night before? Need it. Guy with the hookup to the CC? Sign him up. A couple girls looking to exploit our looks for the gram to make their exes jealous? We’ll bring our A-game faces and expect the same. We’re talking strong 6’s across the board here, maybe some soft 7’s when we’re not having a fat face day.

Remember how wild we got Friday night? The train didn’t get derailed, it just slowed down a bit because we ran out of steam. Time to refuel, re-engage, and recap last night.

We wake up somewhat early (see black lab above), drink a cup of chemex coffee at home, and are ready to brunch somewhere between 9 and 10. We’re not trying to wait in line by showing up late. Mimosas and coffee are in steady supply. Happy to linger as long as the mimosas keep coming.

Looking for a pretty chill vibe and a decent conversation. I work in IT at a Fortune 500 company where not a single person in my cubicle area even watched the Superbowl. Imagine the most awkward conversation you’ve had in your life and that is essentially everyday talk among these robots. I’ll take what I can get at this point.

The best answer?

I’m going to put a pretty good buzz on, but I’m not trying to pipe it up.

The two Sunday rules:
1. No shots, no bombs, no fighting.
2. Make sure that you’re home before the sun goes down.

What’s your ideal brunch outfit?

Wisconsin weather has taught us that if you don’t like the weather, just wait five minutes. We’re talking pullovers, crew necks, and we’re definitely not opposed to throwing on the occasional cardigan when the situation/season calls. What if one of the girls gets cold from the spring breeze? We can’t have her rocking goosebumps on Insta. No worries. We’ve got layers for days. Plus, you know she’s getting hella likes on that photo of her rocking one of our Patagonia Snap-Ts and every guy pursuing her is wondering who she’s with and getting mighty jelly. We’re real company guys. We dress for her success.

Ideally I sparked up to cure any possible hangover situation, slugged a water, and ran a little to work up some sweat and endorphins before getting a quick morning shower. Officially brunch-ready when I throw on a Hawaiian to casually transition from chill brunch to bender number dos.

OOTD-Brunch edition: Don’t be upset that I show up wearing leggings. I’m proud to admit to be part basic bitch part home body. I like to look good but also be comfortable. This time of year plaid is a staple in my wardrobe, but not in that tacky hipstery way. Think Top Shop plaid, leggings, booties, and sunglasses. I want people to look at me and not be sure if I was out the night before.

Girl: Lululemon leggings, Frye shoes, Madewell oversize flannel “Sunday Shirt”
Guy: Levi 501’s, Filson flannel, beard.
Dog: Green bandana and leather leash.

At least one piece of lululemon or gtfo

Typically I go with the basic white girl starter pack that includes leggings, over-sized t-shirt, patagonia pullover, and riding boots. Patrick, on the other hand, is a jeans and a polo/vest combo with his Cole Haans kind of guy. No matter how hungover we may be, showering before brunch is a must, and that opinion should be shared by all members of the group.

The best answer, though, comes from a couple. Their combined answer was phenomenal because this was the answer from the girlfriend:

You amateur — athleisure would require wearing pants. I’ll be in a sundress, and depending on how much my hangover is affecting my coordination, wedges or cowboy boots. If it’s too cold for that I’ll give in and throw on some leggings (lululemon, obviously) and a chunky sweater, infinity scarf optional. Don’t worry, my makeup routine won’t put us in jeopardy of missing our reservation but I’ll still be presentable.

And this was the answer from the boyfriend:

I’ve been dating [redacted] for two years, I have almost zero say in my brunch attire anymore. Whatever it is, it has to match her in both color and style for Instagram purposes.

Dude is 1,000% looking at rings this Valentine’s Day. But I digress.

What are you ordering for food?

In order, the simplest and most concise answers went as followed:

Would to all of the above. The takeaway? Benedicts just win.

What’s your drink order?

Again, in order, the simplest and most concise answers went as followed:

Was I surprised by the tequila sunrise answers? Maybe, yes. I’m normally one to steer clear of morning tequila. But the best answer, by far?

One Bloody Mary (spicy, extra olives) to get my wheels back then I’m switching it over to Bellini’s. A cup of black coffee and a Pellegrino water on the side. Brunch is all about having multiple drink options. I’m probably going to crush a light domestic beer at the end of the meal too.

What’s your plan of action if our brunch rezzie gets put into question when part of the group is too hungover to make it?

I’ll always have a desperately single friend willing to hop out of bed and come meet whichever semi-eligible single guy happens to be joining us that day.

We tough it out. Momma didn’t raise no bitch.

Brunch attrition rate is real. To try and keep the sanctity of the group as strong as possible, I typically schedule brunch around 1:30 – anything earlier (especially in NYC) leads to no one making it. Thus – we typically only have 1-2 people less than planned.

No man left behind. Operation Save-Brunch will be implemented. This entails a rescue trip with a five-hour energy, coffee, and/or gatorade.

Sweet talk the hostess and let her know the sitch. Any place that’s going to be uptight about adjusting a rezzy isn’t putting off the chill Sunday vibes that I require anyway.

Smile, apologize profusely for those who can’t get their ass out of bed, and tell the hostess that, “at least we opened up space for others!” Although, to be honest, we never make reservations. Usually we end up adding a couple people to our table as we run into them and decide to all sit together.

Even though my hangovers hit harder than Chris Brown, I respect the brunch play enough to not bail. For those other times, I’ll lay half alive at the table. Rallying the crew would consist of a few texts and a call, beyond that you’ve made your decision already.

Offer to bring some weed from the local pot store because weed is legal here.

Typically I will start contacting the group before I even get out of bed, just to test the waters. If certain members of the group haven’t responded by the time I get out of the shower, then I start phone calls and checking to see if anyone else has heard from our brunch soldiers who have gone MIA. After 3 tries and no response, that usually means they aren’t making it out of bed for brunch, which is acceptable but not ideal so the reservation number needs to be changed. After getting to the restaurant I would text them and see if they want us to get them any to go food. No man gets left behind.

The best answer was simply the best because it was trying without trying too hard to care. When I’m hungover, I’m #TeamMe.

POA for #makingmoves: if anyone is too lazy to come to brunch they get 3 chances. I’ll text, call, and offer to pick you up. But anything after that is just too much effort. Morn then likely I’m hungover too.

And finally, what are your intangibles?

Witty conversation and good stories. Need content about a post grad SEC sorority girl turned wedding planner? I’ve got you covered. What about an Army vet raising a husky puppy as a single dad? Patrick has that for you. Not interested in that and just want to talk about current events? We’ve got that too. Want to know what’s going on in Adnan Syed’s post conviction hearing? We can help you with that. Want to chat about your March Madness predictions? We’ve got you covered there too. The possibilities are endless.

Awesome conversation. I don’t want to hear about FatJewish’s Instagram post from this AM. I don’t live on Mars, I’ve seen it.

I would stay I’m pretty quick witted and resemble a more athletic Shaggy.

I’ve got an entire arsenal of hilarious one liners, bartenders/waitresses love me, and if things get greasy I can do the full splits.

Intangibles: I’m not a writer (which I’m sure you picked up on), I can’t sing, and I’m not mega hot. But I use foul language, I’ve got the best Tinder stories (I’ve probably been on a date with one someone you know), I know the best people watching games, and I’m a just a down to earth girl who tells people how it is (my best and worst quality). You don’t have to worry about entertaining me because I always manage to have a good time wherever I am. On the likability scale; zero (meaning nobody likes me) to a ten (people add me on social media shortly after meeting me) I’d say I’m a solid 9.

“The Flow” and that by no means pertains to my hair. The Flow, is the ability to roll with whatever. Even if I’m pounding drinks at an alarming rate and exceptionally stoned I can still manage enough couth to read the vibe of the situation and not do anything alarming or embarrassing. Want to go to a museum? It’s like drunk history. Transition to a day drink? I won’t be assed out by two. As long as it’s not punching out and taking a nap- I’m in.

And again, this boyfriend / girlfriend combo that keeps killing it.

Boyfriend: My intangible is also a confession: I am also a chronic menubator. Although it interferes with my everyday life, it certainly helps in the selection of brunch places. Also, I am always the one who isn’t afraid to suggest “…Perhaps one more?” to the table on the tail end of the bottomless deal.

Girlfriend: We have the most photogenic lab known to man (can you tell I’m a little biased?) named Diesel. Not only will he lie under our outdoor table and love you forever if you toss him a scrap of bacon, he’s insta gold. Nothing racks in the likes like a pair of big brown puppy dog eyes.

But the best answer, because this is something we rarely talk about: The Homemade Group Brunch.

Despite everything above – we make a bomb brunch at home. Eggs fresh from the ladies in the coop outside? Check. Local bacon? Check. Sourdough pancakes? On the skillet. Homemade toast? Done. Mimosas on tap, chemex coffee, loaded smoothies? Yes, yes, and yes. Our house is the go to for the best brunch in town- great backyard with lawn games, beautiful sunroom with custom made wood slab dining table, and jams on the stereo.

UN-DER-RATE-ED *CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP*. .

Image via Shutterstock

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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