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In the midst of a breakup, all you want to do is drown your sorrows in Ben & Jerry’s and listen to sad music. It’s a terrible emotional rollercoaster to go through, and even being the one ending things can be extremely difficult. The last thing you want to hear from somebody is that what is going on is good for you, but I am adamant that this is actually the truth. It sucks in a really big way, but these flopped attempts at love play a really crucial role in your life.
No one gets into a relationship with the foresight of when things will end. Every time you’re with someone new and things start to get serious, you question whether this guy or girl could be the person you spend the rest of your life with. There’s nothing wrong with asking yourself this question, but issues arise when you settle with no understanding of what a strong couple looks like.
When I was younger, I had a high school boyfriend that I saw almost exclusively in the confines of the hallway in between classes. I thought that at 16 I was in love and this was my soulmate. We stayed together a few tumultuous months, and I find myself cringing at how juvenile the whole thing was. This high school romance was really the only relationship (if you can even call it that) I had before I ended up with a person I was married to and then separated from shortly after. I had some guys that I would talk to here and there, but I had no actual other boyfriends in college/young adulthood, and it was extremely detrimental in the long run.
When you date somebody, you learn a lot about yourself and how you should be treated. It’s not a competition between the last person and the current, but it’s super helpful to be able to say to someone you’re seeing “my last boyfriend/girlfriend used to do this and I really didn’t like it.” For me, I had absolutely no comparison. I was in a very unhealthy, legally binding relationship where I was unhappy, but I had no idea that it didn’t need to be that way.
With my current boyfriend, he’ll do things like let me handle my own paychecks or won’t make me share my text messages to friends with him. At first, I was so impressed how kind he was to let me have so much independence. Eventually, I realized he wasn’t going above and beyond, that’s just being a good person with boundaries. I really hope things work out with him in the long run, but if for some reason it doesn’t, I now know that the way he respects my financial independence and privacy is something I would want in a future relationship.
When you’re seeing someone, you learn how to treat other people and how to work in a partnership. Each time you enter a relationship, you get better and better at doing this successfully. Most things in life take practice, and romance is not excluded. Some things just happen on their own and are completely emotional, but every day of your life isn’t like a Nicholas Sparks book. There are a lot of aspects you have to figure out and repeat until you get it right. Carrying a conversation on a date, helping someone through a stressful day, or learning how to give someone space when you’re in an argument are traits you have to work at. By the time you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, hopefully you’ve been around the blocks a few times and have a few of these skills in your wheelhouse.
I know that there are people that are in very successful long-term relationships and haven’t dated multiple people. It’s not a blanket statement that you need to run the gauntlet of dating to be happy. However, I do think that it is often the case, and that the benefits of experience get overlooked when it comes to the magical world of finding a partner.
I don’t find that I am overly qualified to be handing out relationship advice. I’m still figuring out a lot of things in my own life, but I do think that there is a lot to be learned from other people’s mistakes and I am more than willing to share mine. I can’t stop you from wallowing in your misery and convincing yourself you’ll die alone the next time someone breaks your heart. However, I can encourage you to see the silver-lining and adopt the mindset that each time you get dumped or dump someone else, you’re simply ending a much-needed practice run before the real thing.
Have fun, be respectful to others, and make the most of your dating opportunities wherever they may lead. .
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Kell
future soccer mom of America (AKA I drive a Volvo.) Miracle is my favorite movie and it should be yours too.
@backpackfanclub
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I couldn’t agree more. After my last break-up, I took a long and hard (giggity) look at my previous failed relationships and realized that there was only one true common denominator: me. So I set out to figure out what I did wrong and how to not do something wrong in my future relationship (hoping there would only be one more).
I’ve been implementing these changes in my current relationship and she hasn’t run away thus far, so I think I’m on the right track.
I spent a lot of time beating myself up wonder what I could do differently over a past relationship. Turns out she’s an open lesbian now. I’m still sure I wasn’t perfect, but it makes me feel a lot better knowing I couldn’t make it work no matter what I did. And once you’re happy with yourself, it’s a whole lot easier to be happy with a new person.
This is a really good article
Guys, it’s okay to be alone for like a few decades to work on yourself and by that I mean making money, investing, getting rid of all debts, building a cabin in the woods, hunting for food, and then traveling the world and taking Instagram photos that are actually interesting and then buying a Tesla Roadster
I loved this Kell. Great Job! I have had two shitty breakups and one amicable. But I have learned every time.
I actually just saw the episode where the Trinity Killer got to Rita. Sorry for your loss.
Great pre Thanksgiving content. I, along with some of my friends, believe that us being such idiots and making so many mistakes (then learning from them) are how we all have such wonderful wives now. Lord knows none of them would have put up with 18 year old 19th Hole and Friends.
I agree with this. I really had to take a hard look at myself and figure out what I could improve on to make my relationship workout. It was rocky there for a while, but I think it’s getting better.
I wouldn’t appreciate how great my fiance is if I didnt date a complete POS before her.
This is amazing. I totally agree. Relatively recently got out of my first real relationship and I’m at the point where I realize that I’m awesome and did not deserve half of the shit I was put through. Now I love myself and am killing life.