The Age Of Save The Dates

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The inevitable finally happened. You enjoyed a couple solid years of postgrad life without too many annoying obligations sullying your good time, but the shoe finally dropped. One of your friends proposed to his girlfriend, like an idiot, or said yes to her boyfriend, like an idiot, and the snowball of doom began to take shape. Next thing you know, every single person you’ve ever met is inviting you to a bachelor party, bachelorette party, bridal shower, couple shower, rehearsal dinner, or wedding.

The first few marital celebrations are basically just really extravagant ragers, and you have a blast. Before long, though, the consequences of this nuptial-filled lifestyle become all too apparent, and you realize this is going to be the most exhausting, expensive, stressful, and confusing period of your life.

You’ve entered the age of save the dates. Prepare to die.

1. You are tired and hungover all the time.

Gone are the days when you could drink and party endlessly without consequence. Your body can no longer hang. Now it takes an entire week to get even close to one-hundred percent after a particularly debauched bachelor or bachelorette party. Each Sunday, you consider the prospect of never drinking alcohol or leaving your home again while you chug Pedialyte and sob into a pillow. Since every weekday is occupied by work, and every weekend is occupied by weddings or wedding-related events, you have no time for rest or relaxation. Your body is a tired, dehydrated, depleted vessel housing a downtrodden soul. If, God forbid, you’re forced to travel halfway around the world for some selfish couple’s destination wedding (eat shit, destination wedding couple) you’re even more exhausted by the whole ordeal. You would do anything for just one weekend that involves nothing but Netflix and naps. Looking back, you probably should’ve made a concerted effort to have fewer friends in high school and college.

2. Your fridge exists solely as a surface on which to display save the dates.

The refrigerator, invented by Oliver Evans in 1805, is a common household appliance meant to store food and beverages at a cold temperature for later consumption. Your fridge, however, serves as an unnecessarily large bulletin board, infected with so many STDs (save the dates) that no amount of penicillin can cure it. And because of how much you’re spending on tuxedo rentals or dresses, flights, hotels, wedding presents, and shower gifts, you are in a perpetual state of brokeness. You can’t afford food. There’s just a bottle of ketchup and some shitty white wine in there. Maybe if you mix them together, you can call it a soup.

3. Your credit card bill is a disaster of epic proportions.

Go ahead. Just keep making that minimum payment as you rack up charges from Bed Bath & Beyond, Neiman Marcus, Crate & Barrel, Pottery Barn, and Williams-Sonoma. The amount of dinnerware you’ve purchased for other couples would last you ten lifetimes if it was for personal use. You’ve actually considered driving to an out-of-town wedding and living out of your car for the weekend rather than paying for another presumably semen-covered hotel room. Hopefully, you’re at least earning some miles with all those flights you have to book. Maybe one day the weddings will stop, and you’ll actually have the privilege of contemplating paying your credit card off in full for the first time in years. Don’t hold your breath, though. By the time this tsunami of marriages crashes into the shores of divorce, a smaller wave of second marriages will form and you’ll be frantically treading water all over again, just trying not to drown.

4. You’ve used all your vacation and sick days through 2026.

How are so many people on Instagram and Snapchat taking vacations seemingly ten times a year? You have exactly zero days of PTO left to use on yourself, because so many inconsiderate people feel the need to elope. At this point, you might not even make it home for Christmas, because it costs too much to fly, and you won’t actually be there long enough for it to be worth while before having to return to work. Pray you don’t get the flu or something that would require taking even more days off. Or maybe that’s the key — maybe you should pray for a semi-serious disease that gives you a legitimate excuse to skip these damn things.

5. You’ve seen every ridiculous variation of engagement photo known to man.

Oh look, another Facebook album comprised of 224 pictures of your favorite couple cuddling in a flowerbed, kissing near a fountain, holding hands on a bridge, smiling forehead-to-forehead in a meadow, trying to make prom pose cute on top of a skyscraper, staring into each other’s eyes under water, or kissing in the middle of a heavily-trafficked street. Good thing those photoshoots only cost a few thousand dollars. That’s a totally responsible use of American currency. If they’d just forgo the engagement photos and donate the money to you instead, you might be able to eat something other than ramen for dinner. .

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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