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“The Talk.” You know the one. There comes a time in every new relationship when you can’t avoid having it. The “defining the relationship” chat, or DTR, as the kids call it. Maybe it’s a few dates in, maybe it’s a couple months down the road, but sooner or later the topics of “What are we doing?” and “Where is this going?” are inevitable. No one wants to do it, but it’s definitely better than wondering if he or she is boning randoms on the nights you two aren’t together doing couple-y stuff.
So when do you bring it up? Do you plan it out or do it spontaneously? How do you bring it up? Is there ever really a right time?
Now, there may not always be a right time, but there is definitely a wrong time. As my best friend recently had the privilege of finding out.
The bff has been seeing a guy from Tinder who we’ll call “James.” She has only been on four dates with James, and they just hooked up after the most recent date. The dude took sex as the sign that he should approach the DTR topic. And he did this amidst the post-coital cuddling.
You know what I don’t want to talk about immediately after the first time I hook up with someone? Whether or not you’re my boyfriend. I don’t need my emotions to be as naked as my body. Let’s save this conversation for a time when I’m not worried about things like what my hair is doing and if I have completely sweat off my makeup, and how long is adequate cuddling time before we move on with our lives.
Though, there are other problems with this approach.
First of all, bold move by James coming in hot and heavy right after the sex. Shooters shoot, but like… read the room, bro. Sex is not an indicator of a desire to be committed. What made him think this was his spot? If anything the hookup is merely a necessary factor in determining how things should proceed.
Second, is anyone really ready to DTR after only hanging out with someone a few times? That sounds terrifying. If I barely know how to pronounce your last name and we aren’t even friends via any social media, do you actually think I feel comfortable labeling this and locking it down?
Finally, why the rush? Not to put a time frame on how soon you should or should not be sleeping with someone, but it took four dates to make it to this step. Did you think your skills in bed were so amazing that she was just automatically going to want you to wife her up? There is nothing wrong with letting things be casual for a bit before diving into the relationship pool.
In response to his strong initiative, James was hit with the, “I don’t think we’re there yet. But we could be heading there, maybe?” which I hope, for his sake, was not too much of a surprise. He has, however, since been invited to a birthday outing for the bff, so he’s obviously not out of the game. And that also means I’ll get to meet him and get a read on things. Because if you don’t get along with her friends, what hope do you have for a future relationship?
In the end, the whole topic is something I try to avoid like the plague, but it is unfortunately a necessary evil that goes hand-in-hand with the fear of remaining forever alone. So you can either ball up and DTR, or live your life somewhere in the no man’s land of dating purgatory. Just make sure that when you do, you try to time things a little bit better than our friend James did. .
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Whatever Lola Wants
Outward appearance of being a hot mess with just enough Type A personality to not be a complete disappointment to my parents. Almost as good at avoiding commitment as I am at holding my liquor.
@LauraMeinert
Sounds like your friend is an absolute freak in the sheets and James is just trying to lock that shit down. Props to James for having the balls to say what’s on his mind.
In the ultimate defining the relationship move, my dad told me he asked my mom to marry him while in bed.
I’m curious as to how / why you know that…
When I was in grade school I asked my dad how he proposed. He looked at me, looked at my mom, and then looked back at me and said “we were in bed.” Then my mom told me to remember that whenever my kids ask me how I proposed to a future wife.
*Gets whiskey dick*..so what are we?
I never understand why people make such a big deal out of “defining the relationship.” If someone really likes you, it should be pretty clear it’s heading there. But idk I’m a pretty direct person. A “hey, we’re exclusive right?” shouldn’t be that big a deal. And if he says he doesn’t want to be then you have your answer.
Sup? We’re exclusive, right?
Oh, for sure. Don’t let me catch you “sup”-ing anyone else.
Well done, sir.
I would actually argue the worst time to define the relationship is before sex. A girl in college once asked “what are we?” when she already had my pants off and was moments away from giving me a blowjob. We ended up dating for 2 years.
If you dated for 2 years, it clearly worked. It sounds like if you want to have a relationship then that is the best time to ask.
Or, you know, blowjobs.
I fail to see what the problem is about having “the talk” early or after sex. It just seems like our generation is way too afraid to commit and as a result spends way too much time dating and unhappy.
It’s not fear of commitment. It’s choosing to not dive in headfirst so early.
Of course diving in too early is never good, but if you’ve been on 4-5 solid dates with someone, you’ve slept together and you get along great, I honestly don’t see a problem with thinking of going exclusive at that point.
I disagree, he was being upfront and honest. Better to have things out there and talk about than wait and be awkward. Right after you have sex for the first time with someone new is always awkward so might as well just do it then and get dealt with.
Big difference between asking whether they are seeing other people and defining the relationship. I think it pretty reasonable to want to know whether the other person is sleeping with other people. I would not sleep with someone if I knew they were currently sleeping with multiple people
Agreed. I feel like if you should have the “are we exclusive?” talk before the DTR. No point trying to define something with someone who’s sleeping around.
Eh. In today’s culture, it would be awkward after the first hookup. Unless you’ve gone on multiple dates already, that would be pretty out of the blue.
Kind of curious if it’s a strategy – I have many friends that would love this move (post 4 dates and hook up) and go for another round of sex immediately.