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The best part of Super Bowl Sunday isn’t watching the game, waiting with bated breath for the commercials, or going to a party to punish your body with more fried foods and beer than you usually do on a football Sunday. Instead, that honor belongs to the plethora of gambling opportunities that present themselves in the form of special prop bets. While betting on point spreads and over/under totals keep you interested in the game itself, prop bets are great because they give you a reason to tune in to all the other bullshit going on in between. Why else would you tolerate and voluntarily sit through a Coldplay performance if you don’t have cash riding on the set list?
The Super Bowl is like a degenerate gambler’s Christmas, so let’s unwrap the presents and go through some of the more amusing and eye-popping prop bets currently offered by various sports books. Feel free to come back to this on Monday and laugh in my face when I get every single one of these wrong.
How long will it take Lady Gaga to sing the US National Anthem? O/U 2:20
2:20 is a long time to finish the Anthem (For reference, Alicia Keys is the only performer to go longer than that in the past decade), but Lady Gaga is known to have a bit of a flair for the dramatic in her performance art. However, she is also capable of toning it down and acting like a normal human being when the occasion calls for it. Since Roger Goodell runs the league like communist Russia and the Super Bowl is his crown jewel, there’s no way Gaga’s appearance was approved without a guarantee she won’t perform her own weird interpretation of the Star-Spangled Banner. The under is the call here.
How many wings will Buffalo Wild Wings sell on Super Bowl day? O/U: 12 million
If there’s one thing you can count on, it’s fat Americans gorging on wings during the Super Bowl. This should be an easy over. But how can I trust the people at B-Dubs to fairly and accurately report the number of wings sold? What if there’s a fix and they’re in on it? The payout for the under is greater than the over, so they would have incentive to keep wing sales below 12 million. It’s all a conspiracy, man!
How many times will “dab” or “dabbing” be said by the announcers during the broadcast? O/U: 2
With this prop, as well as anything else involving the announcers, you cannot underestimate how much of a dumbass Phil Simms is. All it takes is for Jim Nantz to mention dabbing just once and Simms will go completely off the rails and say it 5 times in a sentence. This will definitely go over.
Will Mike Carey be wrong about a challenge? Yes/No
I wouldn’t put it past Mike Carey to fail a take-home, open-book test, so getting a challenge wrong on the big stage of the Super Bowl is almost certain to happen. God, this announcing crew is a murderer’s row of stupidity.
Will there be a penalty for excessive celebration? Yes/No
I really hope not. If this does happen, you KNOW it will be against Carolina, and I really don’t want to hear a week’s worth of insufferable hot takes from all the geezers in my office about how classless the Panthers are or that Cam Newton is a terrible role model for children.
Will there be an earthquake during the game?
Well, there’s already precedent for an earthquake striking during the broadcast of a major championship taking place in San Francisco:
And when the opportunity presents itself to bet on the occurrence of a natural disaster that could ravage a city and endanger lives, you have to take advantage, right? Look, if that’s what you want to throw down on, that’s your prerogative. Just don’t be a douche about it.
Will “Left Shark” make an appearance on stage during the Super Bowl Halftime Show?
NO. Let this stupid meme stay dead and buried back in 2015 where it belongs. If anything, the halftime show is a fertile ground for creating new memes, like the last time Beyoncé performed at the Super Bowl.
What color will Beyoncé’s footwear be when she comes out on stage for the Halftime show?
I took a highly scientific poll of all the basic white girls I’m friends with on Facebook regarding this question, and they were absolutely no help. Their answers were all over the color spectrum and they provided no real rationale as to why they chose the color that they did. Amazingly, it was some guy who told me that she’ll probably wear gold because it’s the golden anniversary of the Super Bowl and she’s recently appeared in a Coldplay video wearing gold. That sounds good to me, so gold it is. Also, I’m really looking forward to seeing a bunch of disgruntled gamblers on Twitter who lost money on this all of a sudden turn into fashion experts..