The 7 Types Of Drunk You’ll Get After College

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Your relationship with alcohol blossoms and withers in the years before, during, and after college. You experienced the highs and lows of alcohol abuse in college, where you drank more Natty Light and Popov vodka than is humanly possible in four years. Now, you’ve scaled it back a bit. You’re not quite getting drunk like you did in college, but you’re always in the pursuit of a hard buzz. The standards for drinking have changed, and you’re expected to not be a drunken human hurricane of bad decisions every time the sweet nectar touches your lips. Let’s break it down.

The Standard

You got home after work and put down somewhere between six and 10 fingers of scotch, a few glasses of wine or a premium sixer of imported beer. You watched “Blackfish” on Netflix and cried, or you watched a “30 for 30.” What if I told you that it was all over in less than the blink of an eye? That four years just wasn’t enough time? ESPN presents its latest: “30 for 30: I Hate My Life Now Oh, God, What Am I Doing?”

The Brown Out

I love a good, old fashioned brown out. You’re not quite blacked out, but not quite drunk–just right in the middle. You don’t have total memory loss, but enough pieces missing from your night allow you some plausible deniability. The key to a good brownout is making sure it doesn’t happen before 1 a.m. Right at 1 a.m. is when the lights should start flickering upstairs. Turn on the autopilot and brown back in once you get in the cab. As you try to remember your address, you will snap back into consciousness. You might piss your bed.

Mom/Dad Drunk

Tailgates, vacations, summer holidays, family parties, and casual work functions where supervisors aren’t present are right in the Mom/Dad Drunk wheelhouse. It starts out super friendly. You’re going to kill it with some jokes and work the room like a master. You’ve never functioned at this high of a level when drunk. No one can tell you’re drunk, but little do they know that you’re rocking a solid buzz and will probably have your girlfriend pick you up in a little less than 15 minutes. You’re going to be a piece of shit at work tomorrow. Be careful though–one or two drinks too many and you could wander into Aunt Drunk territory, which would be disastrous.

Impaired Decision Making Drunk

You stupid, stupid bastard. You were in full IDGAF mode at the bar and look what happened: a bad hookup, a bar fight, getting behind the wheel of a car. Not quite to the brown out phase, but still drunk enough to think you were invincible. Grow the fuck up and learn how to be drunk. You should have known better by now. I’m not here to lecture you, though. The police and judge probably did a good enough job of that.

“Feelin’ It”

There’s nothing like it. This is your happy place. You’re not going to be hungover tomorrow, and you’re right in that perfect zone of charming and outgoing. There’s that wonderful glisten in your eyes, and your cheeks are slightly flushed. You are responsible and drunk enough to get away with ignoring your drunkest friend. Also, you’re in what I like to call the “bone zone,” the peak zone of drunk where you are the most attractive to the opposite sex and you can decipher between “average looking” and “cave troll.” This is your night.

College Drunk

I don’t feel the need to explain what this is. You’re blacked out. This type of drunk is only acceptable on your birthday.

High School Drunk

This is never acceptable, but shit happens.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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