The 7 Hellish Stages Of Your Morning Commute

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Get ready for the worst hour of your day.

1. Optimism
After a restful night’s sleep, you are ready to take on the day. You sit in the driver’s seat, put your hands on the cold steering wheel, and take a peek at your makeup in your phone camera. Your hair looks okay, despite having rolled out of bed looking like Adam Lambert in 2012, and your first cup of coffee hasn’t triggered acid reflux yet. With your neighbor’s dog looking at you as he empties his bladder for the first time today, you decide it’s time to make moves. And so, you back your car out impeccably, fasten your seatbelt, and hit the road, Jack.

2. Regret
Dammit, you should’ve slept in. After 30 seconds on the road, you’ve splashed your khakis with coffee while trying to drink it. The greater portion of Main Street is closed off from a fallen tree, which sets you back a solid eight minutes, and your gas light is a glaring, fire engine red. You should’ve tanked up last night when it first went on. You wish you were dead, like that road kill you just passed.

3. Road Rage
Holy fucking shit use your fucking blinker. Is merging really that difficult? I need to get in the left lane. Okay FINE, we’ll just drive side by side for a while. May you live a life of marshmallow-less Lucky Charms, asshat. Thanks, now I’m really going to be late. No! You’re the dick! I am a fucking good driver! Did he really just flip me off? He’s gonna get it. Alright, yeah, that’s right. Drive away. Just drive away. And this fucker on the other side looking at me? Cool. Mind your shit, will you? Eyes on the road.

4. Thirst
Your armpits are sweating now. You’re suddenly well aware of the dehydration that bad drivers, inordinate amounts of caffeine, and alcohol have on your body. When was the last time you drank water? Probably yesterday afternoon, after you tossed a football around in the conference room. You scour your back seat for a corpse of a bottle of water–or even a beer can–that might have some remnants of fluid. You vow that you’re going to take advantage of the water cooler in the kitchen today, and then you find a long-lost Arnold Palmer. Yeah, that whole water cooler thing isn’t going to happen.

5. Traffic
There are two types of people in this world. Those who pick their nose in traffic, and those who lie about it. As you watch another yellow light change to red, you prop your elbow on the door and acknowledge that you are not a liar. Go. Go. Go. Fucking go! Ugh, he could’ve gone. Your knee is starting to hurt from all the “gas, break, gas, break” switches. Maybe it’ll land you in a cast, and then you can get a handicapped pass to hang from your rearview mirror. Think of how many parking lot problems that would eliminate. Thousands.

6. Jam Session
In an attempt to distract yourself from the fact that in 10 minutes you’ll be staring at a computer screen for eight hours, you turn on the radio. That one sort of good song by Taylor Swift is on again and you decide to rock with it, mostly because you’re too lazy to move your arm to hit the buttons on your dashboard again. You raise the volume and start to sing along, because, well, it’s T-Swift. How can you not? You wonder if other drivers are watching you, but you realize that you don’t care because this may be the high point of your day. Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.

7. Acceptance
Whether it was the sweet sounds of air horns or a sleazy radio host, you decided that life isn’t so bad after all. Despite the asshole drivers, the still glaringly red gas light–which you WILL take care of during lunch–and stained pants, you are going to make it to work on time. Well, only about 10 minutes late, and that’s a new record for you. Also, you remember that it could be worse. Your company could monitor your internet usage..

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