The 5 Types of Interns

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Look at you. You’re coming up in the world. You’ve been with the company a couple years, and you now have the word “manager” in your title. Of course, you don’t really manage anything other than a couple social media accounts and nineteen Excel spreadsheets that you aren’t totally sure how to work, and you’re making the same salary as an entry-level public school teacher, but still. Your boss wants you to have more responsibility, so he’s put you in charge of hiring the new batch of interns. Whether he actually wants you to grow as an employee or he’s just tired of dealing with entitled college students is neither here nor there.

So you’ve picked out the resumes that didn’t have any egregious spelling mistakes, and the candidates are coming in this week. You’re going to be presented with a lot of different avenues to take as far as who you hire. Obviously, interns aren’t going to affect the company’s performance one way or the other, but these are the people you have to spend eight hours a day with for several months, so you still need to choose wisely. Here are the five major types of interns to keep your eyes open for. Don’t fuck this up.

1. The Overachiever Intern

This dude is immediately impressive on paper, and he was very enthusiastic in his interview. You’d assume that means he’ll be a low maintenance employee because you can just wind him up and let him go, right? Wrong. Sure, he’ll get his tasks done quickly and efficiently, but the fact of the matter is, most intern tasks are bullshit anyway, so you’re gonna find yourself having to come up with more things for him to do once he gets his work done. And he’s also going to bombard you with questions about your job, the company, the executives, basically in an effort to pump any information out of you that he can spin into a real job down the road. It’s nice to have a couple of these guys, but if you only hire his type, you’re gonna find that all of your precious free time you typically use to browse Reddit will be eaten up by busy work brainstorming. Your job is boring enough without having to think of creative ways to make others’ boring too.

2. The Hot Intern

You get the idea. This girl is smoking hot, and if you hire her, you’ve just added another ass in a pencil skirt around the office. Ignoring the potential sexual harassment possibilities, you also need to keep in mind that these girls have lived their entire lives in a culture which requires nothing from them in order to be successful. No, I’m not saying that all hot girls are dumb and/or entitled, but for your purposes, assume that she is (because she probably is). At the end of the day, keep in mind that there are millions of hot women in the world for you to look at, so is having one more in the office really worth having to teach someone how the copy machine works twice a week?

3. The “Dad Works For The Company” Intern

I don’t know why you’re interviewing this guy. His dad is an C-level executive, so not only is this kid getting hired no matter what, but he arguably has more clout than you from day one. There’s a few ways to go about interacting with this one. In all likelihood, since he’s relying on daddy’s connections to get his internship, he’s probably either lazy or an asshole, but likely both. So you could try ignoring all this, and befriend him anyway, but that’s gonna set you up to take credit for his failures or at the very least, you now have another asshole friend. You could treat him like any other intern, tell him when he’s fucking up, and maybe he’ll appreciate that you’re taking his professional development seriously.

Let me know how that works when his dad gives him your job after his internship is over.

The best way to handle him is to assign him just enough tasks that he’s too busy to make your life hell, but not any of the shitty ones that no one wants to do. Give those to overachiever guy. He’ll be down.

4. The Lazy Intern

He’s closely related to Daddy’s Boy Intern in a lot of respects. But where our product of nepotism is lazy due to entitlement, this guy is lazy as a lifestyle choice. And where many of the other intern types are salvageable human beings, Lazy Intern is not. Do not hire him, and if you have to, just know that you need a ratio of three other interns to every one of him to mitigate his damage, because he’s not a zero, he actually causes negative productivity. Why is your entire intern group missing? Because Lazy Intern organized a ping pong tournament in the break room. Or more accurately, he came up with the idea and let Overachiever Intern make the bracket. Also, he will inexplicably hook up with Hot Intern at some point, despite the fact that he has nothing going for him in his life, and this will drive you to contemplating suicide at your desk.

5. The Perfect Intern

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA There’s no such thing.

Basically, just go to work every day knowing that your responsibility as the Intern Shepherd is not to get any sort of benefit for your company out of them. Your entire job is to make sure they have enough work to make things slightly easier on you, and absolutely no possible access to any sort of information that could lead to a real fuck up. Be nice to them when they do their tasks efficiently and quietly, and make them wash out the office coffee machine when they annoy you.

And don’t bang Hot Intern. It will not go well for you.

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