Once a year, the weather gets colder and everyone goes insane, leading to Instagram filters on shiny new diamonds you can barely see and Facebook announcements garnering likes in the hundreds (50% of which are passive aggressive acknowledgements of sleeping with ½ of the couple). If you look at all the couples who’ve gotten engaged lately, a pattern seems to emerge. Sure, there’s a shocker or two, but the majority of engagements could be easily predicted with this handy list.
1. The Religious Couple
This couple is extremely religious, which means their wedding comes as no surprise, because penetration. This wedding will be absolutely perfect, because they’ve had so much time to plan, without anything to distract them. Prepare for the party to get a little wild, because you, and everyone else, know what’s about to happen. It’s like an old fashioned wedding that way, only with more drinking. For all the potential cat ladies out there, this could be the perfect way to ensure your engagement – just tell your gentleman caller you’re “waiting for marriage.”
2. The Shotgun Wedding
This engagement announcement comes as a shock to both you and the bride. This wedding is destined to be the shitshow of the century, since no one, including the bride and groom, are prepared. The wedding has more mistakes than your average party, because it started with one. The groom will drink enough for himself, his wife, and their unborn child. After all, now that the bride is eating for two, it only makes sense for him to start drinking for three.
3. The Couple That’s Pretty Much Already Married
This couple has been dating for longer than you can remember, especially if you were drunk for most of college. They’ve already lived together for years, which makes you question why exactly you need to shell out all the money for items they more than likely already jointly own. Good luck finding something on their wedding registry that doesn’t make you mourn both the loss of your youth and the money that used to be in your bank account.
4. The Drunk Couple
You saw this girl blackout drunk more times than you saw her sober. You figured she’d spend her 20s being the same mess she was at every party, but because she got everything out of her system, she’s ready to settle down surprisingly soon after graduation. Her wedding is low-key, because she hasn’t been planning it. After all, she was far too drunk. The couple in question will be surprisingly happy, and she’ll be knocked up before you know it. After spending the last decade getting it in she got all of her craziness out, so she’s more than ready to take on her Junior League presidency while toting the kids to Little League. Fortunately, her bachelorette party will be one for the ages, because she could never resist a good time.
5. The Pinterest Bride
This bride doesn’t care who the groom is, as long as he looks half-decent in a tux. He’s just a stock image in all the photos she pinned during her Elementary Education classes. This wedding happens the second she locks someone down, because she’s been cutting out bridal magazines since puberty, hiding them under her bed. After all, wedding magazines are basically her porn. Her wedding is proof that Mason jars really shouldn’t be used for everything, even in the south.
6. The Brand New Couple
Congratulations, it’s officially time to start panicking . This is the first engagement that actually makes you feel like you’re getting old—which you are, because one of the Suite Life kids has nudes. While the other couples made sense, you didn’t even know this one existed. They met after graduation, most likely online (I can’t wait for the first Tinder wedding) or at a bar (they tell people “through friends”). They don’t know each other all that well, but they were both ready to stop heating up Lean Cuisines for one, and after all their friends got married they figured it was time. This engagement makes you realize that no longer is it just the
pregnant “very popular” girl from your high school tying the knot, it’s legitimate members of society.
Luckily, wedding season gives you the opportunity for your own “meet-cute,” because you won’t have to tell people that a blackout hookup led to your relationship, even if that’s the reality. After all, the blackout hookup is the meet-cute of our generation, but if it happens at a wedding it’s way more romantic. So, happy engagement season, and if you’re waiting for a ring, may the odds be ever in your favor.