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After graduating, you’ll be fortunate enough to get an entry-level job at a generic mid-sized company. You’ll have 50 coworkers that you pretend to be on a first name basis with, while struggling to make conversation between your Reddit and Facebook breaks. The good news is, there are at least four people who do less work than you.
Social Media Manager
What they say they do: Help generate revenue by creating brand awareness through social media communication with digital customer interaction. Provides a “human” aspect to major corporations via Facebook and Twitter.
What they actually do: Browse their personal Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram all day. Throws in the occasional “Thanks! RT:” anytime someone mentions the company on Twitter. Constantly harasses coworkers in order to get them to comment on, or retweet their cheesy content.
Remember the kid back in high school you weren’t too sure about? You know, the one who was going to put your high school on the map. Well ironically, this anti-social person is probably the one working your company’s social media account. Well, him or a hot college intern.
Calling Social Media Managers the appendix of a company would be far too harsh on the appendix. Oh you’re going to throw out a new idea on social? Sweet bro, I’m sure it’ll be a hit on the Blogosphere, Twittersphere, or Social Media Circle Jerkosphere.
The target audience for your company’s Social Media Manager is potential customers. But in actuality, these people are simply stroking the ego of their equally useless Social Media Manager peers at other companies by talking about one another’s content.
The breakdown of your small company’s social media accounts go something like this:
15% Internal Employees
5% Customers
15% Spam
65% Social Media Managers at other companies
Project Managers
What they say they do: Act as a liaison for major inter-department projects in order to help keep employees on task and finish projects by specific deadlines.
What they actually do: Turn menial tasks into convoluted, delay-ridden projects by assigning extended deadlines and scheduling unnecessary meetings. Basically they just get in the fucking way.
This job is like any government. Their intent, while admirable, is inundated with bureaucracy. Essentially they exist to keep people on the right track, and to make sure people do their jobs. They try to be the “point person” for their assigned projects. The only problem is, they schedule 400 fucking meetings a week just to make sure everyone is doing their jobs, which keeps everyone but him or her from doing their jobs. Once you’re in one of these meetings, you’ll soon discover an insane paradox/redundancy – you’ll schedule various other useless meetings while you’re already in a god damn useless meeting.
I guarantee there’s some kind of university study suggesting that 63% of office suicides were a result of a Project Manager using the phrases “action item” and “let’s take this offline” too often. Finally, because Project Managers are a step above the office interns, their degree from ITT Tech doesn’t qualify them to know anything about the projects they’re in charge of.
Developer: “Okay so we need to get behind the firewall, in which case mea-“
Project Manager: “Firewall? LOL, Sorry I know I’m not the smartest person in the room. Could you explain that a bit more?”
Developer: “Okay. A firewall helps network security by analyzing data packets and…”
Project Manager: “Data packets?”
Developer: ***Stabs Project Manager***
Product Managers
See Above.
Human Resource Manager
What they say they do: Help with the onboarding and offboarding process. Yearly reviews of healthcare and IRA plans in order to benefit employees. Act as the moral authority for any intra-office fights or issues between employees.
What they actually do: Gets all the juicy gossip and doesn’t divulge a fucking word. Sends out happy birthday and depressing work anniversary e-mails. Simply just renews the previous year’s IRA and healthcare plans.
This job is typically taken by an overweight, middle-aged woman who loves gossip. The only problem is she doesn’t leak the juicy info due to antiquated terms like “morals” and “ethics.” Anytime someone is hired or fired, they probably have an influx of work for about 30 minutes. Beyond that, how much could there possibly be to do?
Typically they’re the least trusted people at work, and for obvious reasons. Because of this, they become hermits and resent coworkers for not inviting them to weekend parties.
Actual Prior Conversation with HR:
HR Manager: “Oh man, it’s getting to be really busy. We really need an intern.”
Employee: “Why’s that? Are we planning on hiring a lot more people?”
HR: “Well no, but this time of year is just SO busy.”
Employee: “Oh? Anything in particular?”
HR: “I mean, not really. There’s just SO much to do.”
Respond
As a Social Media Manager I take offense to this. As a human being I understand what you’re saying.
I work HR. I don’t do shit but listen to whining, moaning, bitching people below me.
Fuck your fucking dolphin Pam.
Because if Pam knows, then everyone knows…
Every thing is spot on, including the lingo. I guess it’s like this everywhere…
Social Media Managers everywhere are hoping their bosses don’t read this and that no one figures out that, we too, wonder why we are employed.
I am basically useless at my company, so perhaps I shouldn’t judge too much.
“Tom Smykowski, he’s useless.”
“Gone!”
Actual conversation with my HR manager after going through new hire orientation:
Me: “So I’d like to set up my 401(k) contributions, how do I do that?”
HR: “We outsource that, so I don’t really know.”
Me: “Ok, but you have yours set up, right? So how did you do it?”
HR: “You know, I don’t really remember. That was a few years ago, and I think it has changed since then.”
Me: “So how am I supposed to do that?”
HR: “I don’t know. You might want to ask someone.”
Yeah I don’t trust HR.