The 4 Companies That Will Probably Take Over The World

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Tin foil cappers have been saying it for years, but the future is not going to be run by governments. We were once tribes run by diasporic leaders, then feudal lords, then kings, then generals, then “democratically elected” representatives–but corporations are going to take over soon. It’s a Hollywood fact, people. The only question isn’t “if,” it’s “who.” I have some theories.

1. Google

Dude, duh. Everyone knows Google is the frontrunner for this. It has expanded from being a better looking Ask Jeeves into so many other markets with relative success. Sure, there have been some duds, but people tend to not remember those. What’s genius about Google, though, is that it has managed to continue engendering the goodwill and popular support that is typically reserved for small, disruptive companies. People loved Amazon when it was first starting, because it was up against the corporate retail giants. Amazon was sticking it to The Man. Now Amazon IS The Man. But Google has avoided that stigma, mostly by spending money in ways that don’t seem to be business related. Take, for example, the massively popular Google Fiber program. Google has no intention of becoming an infrastructure behemoth, at least not at the moment. So why is Google doing it? Two reasons. First, Google Fiber promotes Google’s popularity. Everyone hates Comcast and Time Warner’s fucking guts right now, so Google is just capitalizing on that by jumping into select markets and selling absurdly high speed Internet. Secondly, and more importantly, the real reason is that it’s lighting a fire under the asses of the ISP oligopoly to actually innovate and compete. If those companies start battling each other to offer better Internet, then speeds all across the U.S. grow and every single arm of Google’s company benefits. Then, Google will obviously just buy Comcast and Time Warner outright, and when the U.S. tries to hammer Google with an antitrust suit, it’ll merge with the government and become our technocratic overlord, which is something we’ll welcome because it gets us fast download speeds and better access to porn.

2. JPMorgan Chase

Power follows the money. Do you think kings and popes were able to rule effectively just because of the divine right of kings? Take it from Dennis, the constitutional peasant, who said, “strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.” Generals, tyrants, and leaders are only successful if they have a banking entity that supports them. The Templars were knights, sure, but they were also the bankers who funded Henry II’s crusade. And how many popes were able to keep a handle on their holy empire because of the Medicis? It’s all about the florins, baby. JPMorgan Chase is the largest bank in the U.S., and it’s in the top 10 worldwide. I’m giving it the edge due to the way it managed to weather the housing crisis. JPMorgan Chase is ready for bank warfare, which, as far as I can tell, is mostly just analysts sending mean emails to each other and fucking each others’ girlfriends behind their backs.

3. Bottled Water Companies

Once we develop the technology to put our oil dependency on the back burner, we’re going to need a new, finite resource to fight about. This will obviously be water. Nestlé has gotten most of the heat so far for what it’s been doing (although it doesn’t seem as devious as the Internet would have you believe). But mark my words, something fishy is going on with water, and I don’t mean the kind with fish in it. People think the reason bottled water is so expensive is because of marketing and stupid people. I mean, for fuck’s sake, most bottled water is effectively just tap water in a package. But I don’t think these companies are making money hand over bottle-littering fist. Not yet, anyway. I think they’re marking it up to finance buying up even more water and then hoarding it. You think Area 51 is aliens? Wrong, it’s a massive, super-secret water reservoir where all of the bottled water companies are pumping in the majority of our available drinking water, funded by our dumb selves who are paying for overpriced bottles. Then, when the tap runs dry, we’ll have no choice but to pay whatever price they choose, which will mean forced labor for most of us and sexual favors from pretty women and handsome men. That’s bullshit, because I’m not good looking enough to qualify for sexual services, and Aquafina tastes like it came out of a rusty rain gutter, anyway.

4. Tesla

Oh sure, I bet you’re all rolling your eyes saying that Elon Musk and his little company are way too far away from being powerful enough to take over the planet. And you’re right, according to the data, but that’s only what he WANTS you to think, man. But you don’t need a massive company to take over the world–you just need the right product. Cyberdyne was just a tech company until it created Skynet, and then boom! Next thing you know, a large, naked machine-man is coming to kill you because you’re going to give birth to the leader of the resistance because you got knocked up by the guy sent back by the leader of the resistance to protect you against the machine-man and you have to make sure he gets born. It’s not only terrifying, it’s confusing. You really think that Elon Musk is developing electric cars and private space rockets for humanity out of the goodness of his heart? Fuck no. At some point, he’s going to merge the two technologies in some crazy, unexpected way, and then take out every standing army all at once. He might seem like the real life Tony Stark right now, but who’s to say he’s not Lex Luthor? He’s certainly got the hair and suspicious eyes to be a supervillain.

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