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Happy 2016 everybody! With a new year comes new resolutions and mine is quite the lofty one. After spending too long living #airportlife, I’ve decided to spend 2016 designing my own airline. It’s going to be called Air Apparent. Because apparently nobody else can get it fucking right.
First off, there will be NO safety presentation. Before boarding our planes there will be a giant sign that reads “Is This Your First Time On An Airplane?” with a small room off to the side for those who answer yes. These first timers will be shown a brief safety demonstration video hosted by Rob Lowe and then escorted to the nearest Southwest gate to fly with the rest of the steerage.
"To tighten, slip the strap around your neck and open exit door mid flight" – brought to you by @united customer service department.
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) December 22, 2015
Boarding groups will be conducted by seat assignments and the people sitting in the back of the plane will board first. This will avoid congesting the aisles as well as allowing the people in first class the luxury of getting to the gate a little bit later as well as the privilege of exiting first. Why am I still including first class and coach seating? Because everybody needs goals.
Another little change of pace — nobody will be allowed to carry-on anything besides one small item. However, there will also be no checked baggage. You will place all of your bags onto a giant luggage rack plane-side that will then be rolled into the belly of the plane and secured. Upon landing, the luggage rack will be rolled back out and you can grab your bag straight off the runway. This eliminates baggage fees, waiting for your luggage and the chances of it somehow getting lost. Holy shit.
When I see ten guys sitting in an airport food court with collared shirts laughing uproariously at 7am I think to myself, "Mormons."
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) July 29, 2015
Now let’s talk about the makeup of our planes. Since we’ve removed the need for overhead compartments, the seat layout can afford to change due to the extra space. Instead of the typical 3 and 3 seating that comes standard to most domestic airlines, Air Apparent’s seat configuration will be 2, 2 and 2. There will be no more dreaded middle seats, so now you and your travel companion can sit together without some mouth breather with overactive sweat glands joining you. Every seat has the option of live TV or Netflix. As CEO of Air Apparent, I’ll cover this cost out of my own pocket (they can use my logins).
With the new seat configuration comes the creation of an extra aisle. This doubles both the bathroom number and size and allows the flight attendants to always have an aisle free for passengers to move up and down the plane. Did you know that getting up and walking around on a plane is actually good for you? Today’s airlines wouldn’t lead you to believe it.
Much respect for the lady in front of me on my flight reading hardcore erotica in size FORTY EIGHT FONT pic.twitter.com/issnnetwAd
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) November 3, 2015
Now there are two more fairly large requirements you must meet before flying on Air Apparent. Passengers will be screened yearly for both and not allowed to fly if these aren’t met. The first is a simple age requirement. Air Apparent’s passengers must fall between the ages of 15 and 65. Sorry old timers, you may remember what it was like to smoke on an airplane, but we certainly don’t need you clogging the aisles with your clogged feet and complaining that the temperature is too cold for you. If you’re a parent who wants to fly with their small child, sorry bout cha. Since most of you only fly once a year and are dead inside, you don’t care how your brat behaves on a plane much less how it affects others. Go duke it out at the Delta counter.
Hi, I'm the screaming Japanese child on your redeye who kept everyone awake because my terrible dad force-fed me GUMMIE BEARS before takeoff
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) January 19, 2016
Last but not least, an all too important requirement that shouldn’t just be for traveling but also for life in general. And that is NOFF. NOFF is the first thing the pilots, crew and flight attendants will learn in their training is the most essential part of the Air Apparent experience.
NOFF stands for No Fat Fucks. Passengers will be subjected to a yearly physical required to continue booking flights on Air Apparent. There’s no weight ceiling, per say, as some passengers are taller than others and thus weigh more. But if your family physician deems you unworthy to fly, you’ll be placed on our No Fly Too Fat List until you can drop the poundage. Again, this isn’t to exclude anybody, I’m just making sure my customers get a top rate travel experience. I have no ill will against fat people.
Do fat people snore because Mother Nature is trying to suffocate them for wasting a perfectly good body?
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) January 12, 2016
Great to be back in Chicago for the holidays pic.twitter.com/q2Bt3lponn
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) December 22, 2015
Fat hairy fuck on flight to Ibiza with savage use of the armrest pic.twitter.com/OEsgmdMnvF
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) August 30, 2015
That’s the skeleton of the business plan I have for now. I’m still trying to figure out if we’re going with free beer and wine and/or a section for people who brought their vape pens. The demand is there for an airline like this. Now all I need is backers. .
Image via Shutterstock
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Who do I contact about writing an erotic novel? #Smut2016
I want to invest in your company, but I have no money to invest. PGP
Pro Tip: On Southwest, if a person sits next to you and oozes through the armrest into your seat, they have an official policy that that person was required to buy 2 seats and you can have a flight attendant make them move. Do you look like an asshole? Probably. Do you get to fly comfortably for that one trip a year that you managed to save up enough PTO for? Absolutely.
Looking like an asshole. PGPM.
Actually they don’t even have to purchase a seat, Southwest gives them one for free.
They have to purchase a second seat but it is refunded if the flight is not sold out. Comically, you book the extra seat using “XS” as your middle name. So John Doe would select “2 adults” when buy tickets and book for John Doe and John XS Doe. Also comically these policies are outlined in a section of the website called “The People of Size Policy”.
For the Lazy: https://www.southwest.com/html/customer-service/extra-seat/index-pol.html
I’m not saying I don’t have a little gut, because I do, but the reason I don’t fit in airline seats has nothing to do with fitness and everything to do with large manly shoulders that I don’t have any control over. Sorry Peewee.
Is that what your mom told you growing up, “manly shoulders?”
No but yours did.
Ok, that actually made me laugh. Touché.
It’s called “husky”.
No, it’s not though. Shoulders are bone, bro. I didn’t fit in airplane seats when I weighed 150lbs as a dorky high school cross country runner, and I don’t fit now when I’m a larger drinking/burrito enthusiast.
As a guy who shopped in the husky section growing up, I wasn’t calling you fat. Just making a joke, Mr. Incredible. I have giant shoulders too – 52 long jacket size that has to be tailored in, so I know how you feel.
I never understood why planes don’t board back to front. It makes so much more sense.
JetBlue does
Elites want to get on first so there is overhead room for their bags, and they’re more likely to be seated near the front of the plane. Ruins boarding, but Air Apparent solves that by banning overheads!
Also, enables first-class to get served some adult bevvies before the peasants board. Thus, allowing them to look at the aforementioned peasants boarding with that “Leo” look and laugh.
Not gonna lie, I’m a fan of that part.
If you implement some kind of mandatory retirement system for the flight attendants then I’m in. I’m tired of looking at those crusty old hags for 5 hours.
No age requirement because there are some foxes out there. A simple “would-wouldn’t” evaluation based upon surveys the flying customers would fill out. Only one question, no third option. So you have authentic opinions from people who matter because the people who disagree with the survey don’t have an option to choose such, they just don’t fill it out. Plus you have a living, rolling evaluation of your crew.
Met one at the lodge that was 45+ for AA. She was a fox indeed. Agree with Cush.
I like where you’re going with this, but the would / wouldn’t survey can only be answered by those between the ages of 21 and 45. No horny high school kids or old grandpas to skew the results.
I’m sold. I’ll even add my own flavor- no windows on the planes. That way no one ruins your inflight movie with glare or heats up the plane while sitting for 20 minutes on the Atlanta Tarmac.
As a guy who fly’s in and out of Salt Lake all the time…the Mormon comment was all too real…and hilarious.
I’m firmly in the camp that you should have to pay extra for a carry-on rather than to check a bag. Nothing grinds my gears like waiting 15 minutes for everyone to gather their bags together and GTFO the plane.
This, times 100. You need a Kindle/tablet/phone and some headphones on a plane. That’s it. Stuff the rest of that shit in the checked bag. And to make it work, start publicly executing baggage handlers and TSA crooks who steal out of checked bags and bill their families for the bullet they get in the face.
Slightly jaded are you? ^
Never flown through PHL, have you?
Have to disagree with you on this one. Some of us have medications that we can’t really afford to not have if the airlines loses our bag.
This all sound wonderful, but how narrow are your seats gong to be that you have room for another aisle…am I going to have to diet is my question here, basically.
Fly a 767 and change from a 2-3-2 to the mentioned 2-2-2.