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Thanksgiving is not a great holiday. It never was, and it never will be. Putting aside the fact that Thanksgiving celebrates a virtual destruction of an entire race of people, we also have to remember what people think this holiday is about.
People go through their entire lives thinking that Thanksgiving is a time for rest, relaxation, and catching up with loved ones. But Thanksgiving, and the days that you spend at your parent’s house before and after the big meal hardly have any of that. It’s one big anxiety riddled-week and, it is this humble narrator’s opinion that Turkey Day has gone the way of Pokemon Go, Ken Bone, and the phrase “Yas, Queen.” In other words, Thanksgiving is old hat.
The first order of business the week before Thanksgiving is figuring out how you’re getting back to your parent’s home in Suburbia. You’re either flying, driving a few hours, or you’re still living in the basement in which case you can stop reading because that is far more depressing than anything I’ll be regaling you with in this article.
Getting back for Thanksgiving is always going to be a little bit of a hassle. It’s tiring, time-consuming, and a little bit terrifying if the snow is really coming down in your neck of the woods.
Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest bar night of the year. No one has work the next day unless your boss is evil incarnate, so the only logical choice for a person of a certain age (read: 21-27) is to head to a local townie bar a few miles from your parent’s house and burn a bunch of bridges.
Thanksgiving Eve is nothing more than an opportunity for everyone to stroke their ego. 99% of the people you’ll see at your local hole-in-the-wall of choice are lying about how important their job really is. Sure, you may run into that kid who went to Yale and now lives in Tokyo, but if you’re 24, 25, hell, maybe even 26, there’s a really good chance that the people who are bragging about their jobs don’t actually have it made in the shade just yet.
You’ll probably run into an ex from a neighboring high school or a crush who wouldn’t give you the time of day in 11th grade because you weighed 130 pounds soaking wet and exclusively wore Abercrombie & Fitch.
Don’t worry about any of that because the chances of you not getting belligerently drunk and causing irreparable harm to people who you only sort of know is very, very high. The night will come to an end in one of two ways: you’ll either bring some girl that you used to have a thing with back in high school over to your childhood bedroom, or you’ll wind up in one of your buddies parent’s driveways smoking a bowl and laughing about some shit that happened seven years ago.
So now it’s Thanksgiving morning. You either have to go to a relative’s home for food or, if you’re lucky, everyone is coming to your parents’ house this year and there is no driving involved. Either way, you’re drinking again to combat the hangover from last night, and the cycle almost repeats itself to a T.
You find yourself in conversation with an aunt, uncle, or cousin who wants to know what you’re doing with your life. Much like Thanksgiving Eve, the opportunity to make yourself sound more important than you really are presents itself. So you do. You tell everyone at the family get-together about your “really awesome” job and that you’re not looking for a relationship at the moment. And then from another room in the house, in a muffled voice you hear those two magic words, “Food’s ready!”
Of all the things that I dislike about Thanksgiving, I have to say that the most overrated part this holiday is the actual food. You know those t-shirts that say shit like “Bacon is BAE” or “Long live Bacon”?
Thanksgiving is sort of going in that “bacon culture” direction. People are obsessing over Thanksgiving now in a way that has made it utterly impossible to enjoy. It’s the tweets, the Instagram captions from really hot models about how they’re going to stuff their faces, and Facebook albums of Friendsgivings all over the country that I don’t give one single iota about.
And by the way, let’s talk about Mac and Cheese as a side at Thanksgiving. Who is doing this? Is that a southern thing? Because the couple of “Friendsgiving” events that I’ve been to have had Mac and Cheese at them and I just fundamentally don’t understand how that is a thing. Mac and Cheese is a dish you make when there is nothing to eat in the house. It’s not a holiday dish, and frankly, it makes me feel like I’m in a school cafeteria when someone is serving it to me on a holiday that is supposed to be classy and elegant.
Mac and cheese, much like Thanksgiving and bacon, all get hyped up for God knows what reason. Think about what you’re eating at Thanksgiving. Turkey is the main dish.
You can buy turkey at any deli inside of a grocery store at all times of the year. The same goes for an entire bird. You want to deep fry or oven roast a turkey in the middle of May or June? Because you can.
Green bean casserole? Stuffing? Mashed potatoes? These are all perfectly fine foods. But the obsession and the social media posts about your personal Thanksgiving meal is repulsive and makes me hate it even more.
I just think that at it’s most basic form, Thanksgiving “dinner” is highly overrated. Why did I put quotes around “dinner” you ask? Because it isn’t dinner you’re eating. The Thanksgiving meal is served around 1:00 p.m. in most households. This means that by 5:00 p.m., you’re hungry again, and if you had to travel to a relative’s home earlier in the day this means that you’re shit out of luck for more of that “delicious” food that you claim to like so much. If the Thanksgiving is so delicious, why do we only eat it on this one day? Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are filled with Prime Rib, Brisket, T-Bone Steaks, and other meats and sides that I’m too worked up to think of right now.
You’ll probably have to go home the day after Thanksgiving to get ready for work on Monday. You’ve been drinking for three or four days straight, and the Sunday night before work is going to be hell. So was it worth it? Did you have fun seeing all of those people from high school that you hate?
What about your relatives? Glad you saw your uncle and his wife who voted for Trump this past year? And the food, my God. Let’s not forget about that food.
The turkey, which you can have year-around but you don’t because you secretly know that it isn’t that good. The squash that nobody fucking touched. Those mashed potatoes? W-O-W. You Thanksgiving stans act like mashed potatoes were invented solely for use on Thanksgiving. This holiday stinks to high heaven. You know it, I know it, and Santa knows it.
It’s the J.V. team. Christmas is the big bad varsity squad that mops the floor every time Thanksgiving’s starters decide they want to scrimmage.
Stop hyping it up, and keep the Kraft Mac and Cheese you brought to pass off of Instagram and Snapchat. Enjoy your subpar meal, everyone. .
Image via Youtube