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Hey there Favorite Coworker,
Before you get ahead of yourself, just hold on. This isn’t me asking for help. This isn’t me saying I lost something. This isn’t me saying I just made a horrendous mistake, and you really need to save my ass right now or all hell will break loose. This is me saying thank you.
I’ve been on this job for a while now, and I’m kinda getting the hang of things. I’m still not a seasoned vet, though, and sometimes I need someone to carry me, pick me up when I’ve fallen, de-fuck my fuck ups, and that lucky person is you. You were gracious enough to make me part of your team, as long as your idea of a team is where you provide all the efficiency, make sure the offense flows smoothly, and that in the end we win the game. You throw a solid 8 innings and do all the dirty work, so I can come in for an easy 3-run save. Sometimes the 9th gets a little shaky, but thanks to your effort leading the way, we close in on a victorious effort.
You’re truly a patron saint, like the St. Jude of dealing with behind-the-curve employees. If I had $1.00 for every time I asked you a question you had already answered at a previous time, I would have enough money to pay the company back for all the time they have to pay you for doing extra work because of a mistake I made. Many of my successful sales can be attributed to your thorough behind-the-scenes work and your calmness under pressure. You’re like Ryan Gosling in Drive, except instead of driving like a bat out of hell to assist robbers and murderers, you’re using a computer and a headset to assist a salesman with a baby-face try to convince adults he knows what he’s doing (which is a nightmare in itself).
Now, all your hard work and patience is starting to pay off. Don’t think that all those hours you’ve put in telling me instructions and information like I’m the slow kid in reading class is all for nothing. Soon enough we are going to be like Stockton and Malone, but for now we can stick with being KG and Marbury. Sometimes we make good things happen and have success, while sometimes Marbury does something that makes everyone scratch their heads and say “Oh, you dumb asshole” and KG starts headbutting the hoop cover in frustration.
I’m studying the playbook on a daily basis, and soon enough our workplace transactions will go smoother than a white collar coke deal. But I’ll continue to lean on you, because let’s face it: if I was left to my own devices, this company would go to shit faster than you could say “Oh who left that fucking dipshit to his own devices?” Just look at it this way: Starsky and Hutch make a pretty damn good tandem, but if Starksy wasn’t there to curtail Hutch’s over-exuberance, what starts as a well-intentioned operation would turn into a complete dumpster fire pretty quickly.
You’ve been carrying your weight and the majority of mine, and don’t worry, I’ll remember it come Christmas time (can you say “moderately-priced gift card”?) Nothing says “Thanks for draining your patience and trying every last one of your nerves” like three to four drinks from Starbucks. No, don’t thank me, you’ve earned it. All the exasperation that you’ve gone through has been well worth it, and you can sleep soundly knowing that your Jedi-like patience will pay off.
No one would ever accuse me of being a “fast learner” or a “prodigy” or even a “competent employee,” but give me another few years on this job, and I’ll be up to snuff (I’m just kidding. Two years max). For now, just know that as the employee trying to just keep his shit somewhat together, you the real MVP. Thanks for picking up my slack, champ. You didn’t ask to undertake this journey, and never asked for any gratitude, but like any valiant soldier in the field, you’ve earned it.
In unrelated news, we may have a huge problem regarding that one client we discussed earlier. I don’t want to say that I misplaced some key paperwork, but I’m not going to say that I didn’t misplace some key paperwork. I’ll pop in your office on your lunch break later to discuss, or maybe just contact you on your personal line when you’re off work..
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
My Favorite Coworker picked up so much of my slack for the first 6 months while I was on the job. Everyone in the office calls her “Momma Bear”. She is a Jersey woman that’s like John Wayne Toilet Paper: Rough, Tough, and don’t take shit off of nobody.
Bought her a nice bottle of wine (well nice compared to the crap that I would buy for myself). She broke down in tears with appreciation. Now she sticks up for me in meetings when shit goes to hell in a hand basket.
Best $24.95 I ever spent.
Wow. I am all for the appreciation and thoughtfulness of the parties involved, but breaking down crying is a bit much, eh?
Leave Momma Bear alone